2008 Greenlights – Livedog Productions

(Some Guy)
2008-12-31

[Main] Doctor tells woman her liver looks like a "dried up old meatloaf," gives her about 10 minutes to live until another woman's liver replaces the meatloaf. Man, I'm hungry

(41)

(Yahoo)
2008-12-31

[Politics] Obama's ticket to turning the country around: More Cuban cigars and rum

(91)

(Arizona Star)
2008-12-30

[Business] I know we said stores would start failing on Black Friday. Then just before Christmas. But we're sure they're going to start failing AFTER Christmas. Any day now. You'll see

(52) (+1)

(Yahoo)
2008-12-28

[Politics] The good thing about the current economic crisis? It's bankrupting the terrorists. Oh goody

(46)

(Yahoo)
2008-12-27

[Showbiz] Screenwriter talks about Keyser Söze and "The Usual Suspects" just before disappearing mysteriously

(48)

(Yahoo)
2008-12-23

[Main] Animal rights activists plead their case by mailing lab workers used sanitary napkins and needles, saying they're infected with HIV, and accusing them of being pedophiles. Your dog wants a little farking dignity

(148)

(Washington Times)
2008-12-22

[Politics] Latest outrageous covert action: Bush and Cheney have personally, privately written the families of every fallen US soldier. Click the number to the right for loud passionate claims that it doesn't count

(436)

(Yahoo)
2008-12-20

[Main] The media thinks the media's obsession with the media's coverage of the media's influence on that shoe-thrower in the media might be bad news for the media, says the media

(97)

(CNN)
2008-12-18

[Politics] New York promises they'll use the new fat tax to cure obesity. You know, just like the government has used tobacco taxes to cure cancer

(51)

(USA Today)
2008-12-16

[Geek] Apocalyptic religious beliefs in my global warming science? It's more likely than you think

(53)

(Hot Air)
2008-12-15

[Main] Obama: "When Blagojevich and I met on Nov. 5 to talk about my Senate seat, we didn't meet and we didn't talk about my Senate seat." Media: "Well, that makes perfect sense. Case closed"

(687)

(Reuters)
2008-12-13

[Main] What could be dumber than blowing $900 million in a casino? How about suing the casino for it

(86)

(Jalopnik)
2008-12-09

[Main] Old and busted: You find a parking ticket on your windshield. New hotness: A polite note explaining that the huge bloody hole in your windshield is because someone jumped off a building and by the way, he had AIDS. Bonus: Car parked on Fell St

(118)

(Some Guy)
2008-12-08

[Main] "Court of Appeal Rules Couple Living Apart Not Living Together." Obvious tag curls up in corner, whimpering

(17)

(NJ.com)
2008-12-08

[Main] Today's Mutilated Metaphor: "Now the piper is coming home to roost. We have to pay that piper." Submitter's Chocolate of Common Sense just got in this idiot's Peanut Butter of Mangled Metaphors

(115)

(Telegraph)
2008-12-04

[Showbiz] Composer wills his own skull to Royal Shakespearean Company for use during "Hamlet." RSC refuses, saying a real skull is too icky. Besides, the composer has been decomposing for a long time now

(28)

(London Times)
2008-12-02

[Geek] New breakthrough in managing chronic pain: Looking the wrong way through binoculars. Includes helpful photo of man looking through binoculars the correct way

(14)

(London Times)
2008-12-02

[Geek] Up to 40% of patients in "vegetative state" are misdiagnosed and actually fully awake, but unable to speak or move. Pleasant dreams

(51)

(Yahoo)
2008-12-02

[Business] Oil falls to $48 a barrel on news that Britney Spears, Madonna and Christina Aguilera won't be trading spit on stage anymore

(16)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-12-01

[Main] UN's global warming summit will create 13,000 tons of carbon and greenhouse gas emissions

(118)

(MSNBC)
2008-11-26

[Main] "Churches: Chocolate Jesus is 'tasteless.'" Marshmallow Muhammed and Peanut Butter Buddha, on the other hand, pronounced excellent

(87)

(The Local (Germany))
2008-11-26

[Main] "Anything to declare, sir?" "No." "Um — what about this maggot-infested monkey head?" "I thought that was duty-free"

(0)

(Some Guy)
2008-11-25

[Main] "Nurse Caught Drunk Twice." Maybe on his third try the drunk will run faster

(19)

(Wall Street Journal)
2008-11-25

[Politics] If Sarah Palin said the sun was the center of the universe, people would make fun of her. Copernicus, they call a great scientist. Where's the justice?

(118)

(Detroit Free Press)
2008-11-25

[Politics] Article: The only hope for the economy is if we force Nancy Pelosi to impeach Bush right now. After that it gets a little weird

(48)

(Fox News)
2008-11-24

[Main] Protip: If you need surgery to remove a kidney stone, pay a little extra for the "Surgeon Who Won't Amputate Your Hands and Feet" option

(121)

(Yahoo)
2008-11-24

[Main] Obama brings change to Washington by stocking his cabinet with lifelong Washington insiders. Wait, what?

(646)

(Yahoo)
2008-11-24

[Main] Obama's team considers giving Monica Lewinsky a job. Bonus quote: "She's a fresh face with a lot to offer"

(157)

(CBS4Denver – KCNC)
2008-11-13

[Main] If you live in Denver and want to buy a pool cover, make sure it has the "This Cover Can Support Two Horses" seal of approval

(10)

(Miami Herald)
2008-11-13

[Politics] Obama will suddenly reveal his secret Muslim identity by riding to his inauguration on a camel shouting ''Death to Israel'' (I mean Obama will be shouting this, not the camel)

(86)

(Bloomberg)
2008-11-12

[Politics] The good news: Obama's banning lobbyists from his transition team. The obvious news: Mostly because he doesn't need them; he's already asked his biggest donors and fundraisers to join

(143)

(Wall Street Journal)
2008-11-11

[Sports] Super Bowl advertisers and TV networks both discover to their shock that 30 seconds of air time is not worth $3 million

(28)

(Wall Street Journal)
2008-11-07

[Politics] The good thing about Obama's new chief of staff: He might be able to get the wackier members of Congress, like Barbara Boxer or Nancy Pelosi, to STFU

(180)

(Yahoo)
2008-11-07

[Showbiz] How do you get to Carnegie Hall? If you're Katt Williams, by getting arrested for driving without plates and with an unlicensed gun, then making bail just in time for your show

(33)

(Yahoo)
2008-11-06

[Main] Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is
so happy Obama won he promises not to start calling him The Great Satan
until next week

(237)

(Reuters)
2008-10-30

[Main] Scientists find 3,000-year-old
Hebrew text, the oldest ever found in Israel — five lines of text in
which a mom asks her son why he never visits anymore

(52)

(Yahoo)
2008-10-29

[Politics] Since Palin didn't
immediately beat Ted Stevens' skull in with a hockey stick, they're
obviously political cronies who stomp puppies. Or something like that

(114)

(Huffington
Post)
2008-10-29

[Politics] And now for one of
America's most hallowed political traditions: Time to dust off the
fear-mongering "some unlikely aberration in the Electoral College
could make your favorite candidate lose" story

(132)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-10-28

[Politics] Nicholas Kristof of
the New York Times announces that a password-protected al Qaida site
endorses McCain. No word on why al Qaida gave Kristof a password, though
(second item)

(83)

(Some
Guy)
2008-10-28

[Politics] Stay with me here:
Nancy Pelosi says that if the Dems capture the White House, the Supreme
Court and wider majorities in Congress, our government will be "more
bipartisan." Can we all have some of what you're smoking, Nancy?

(114)

(Smh.com.au)
2008-10-28

[Main] The Dalai Lama vows to
use paper plates from now on. Or maybe I just misunderstood this headline

(53)

(Some
Guy)
2008-10-27

[Main] Is our children simulating
sex in class? "Sophomore Christine Runco, who played the crucial
part of the "penis" in the presentation, said that "words
failed her"

(152)

(Yahoo)
2008-10-27

[Politics] Bait and Switch 101:
1) Find an inbred racist moron who misquotes the Bible and says he hates
Obama. 2) Imply that anyone not supporting Obama is just like this guy.
3) Oh, did I say "imply"?

(193)

(Yahoo)
2008-10-27

[Politics] 1. Complain about
Sarah Palin's $150,000 wardrobe. 2. Then complain that it looks like
her shoes don't fit right. Congratulations: You're way to stupid
to be a redneck, but you'll make a great Huffington Post columnist

(91)

(Some
Guy)
2008-10-21

[Geek] Teacher brings nonvenomous
snake to school. "Nonvenomous" of course being defined as "he'll
bite you and you'll die." If you can guess what happened next,
your Fark Fu is strong

(61)

(Chicago
Sun-Times)
2008-10-21

[Politics] Reporters: Want a
nice warm tent, some food and a place to plug in your laptop while covering
Obama on election night? No problem — that'll be $935, please. If
you don't have $935, you can just stand in line outside. For $880

(83)

(Some
Guy)
2008-10-21

[Main] Police officer asked to
go to massage parlors, wait until the masseuse puts a condom on him and
starts a sex act, then excuse himself to use his phone. No one will suspect
a thing

(0)

(Some
Guy)
2008-10-20

[Main] "Heckler inaugurated
as VU president," interrupts his own acceptance speech more than
a dozen times

(29)

(NPR)
2008-10-20

[Main] Iraqi woman sleeps with
soldier, gets pregnant, then married. Moves to US, gets a stripper job,
abuses her kids and the courts take them away. Then her husband throws
her out. Guess whose fault all this is. Go ahead, guess

(281)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-10-20

[Politics] The New York Times' public
editor looks carefully, but can't see any evidence of bias in his
newspaper (second item). In related news, Stevie Wonder can find no evidence
of graffiti on his house

(67)

(Daily
Mail)
2008-10-18

[Main] Changed your Facebook
status to single? That's a hacking with a meat cleaver

(107)

(My
Fox Orlando)
2008-10-17

[Main] Wearing a Palin shirt
to middle school? That's racist

(802)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-10-16

[Business] Sen. Chris Dodd is
not afraid to announce whose fault the mortgage crisis is: Everyone else
but him

(48)

(Chicago
Sun-Times)
2008-10-16

[Politics] Obama opens three
fundraising offices each in 18 battleground states — so donors can give
him the maximum amount allowed by law three times each. That's change
we can line our pockets with

(70)

(Omaha
World Herald)
2008-10-15

[Main] Stupid: Nebraska Senator
files lawsuit against God. Obvious: Judge throws it out. Fark: Because
there's no way to serve papers to the defendant

(125)

(Houston
Chronicle)
2008-10-14

[Showbiz] Release of "W":
Before the election. Release of a pro-McCain movie: Mothballed until
after the election. Hollywood still pretending both flicks are pure art
with no political intent: Priceless

(160)

(Huffington
Post)
2008-10-14

[Politics] In an article containing
numerous spelling and grammatical errors, Huffington Post writer asks, "Why
are Americans so content with mediocrity?"

(92)

(AP)
2008-10-14

[Business] Stock market improves
from "photos of sad traders" to "photos of excited traders"

(33)

(YouTube)
2008-10-13

[Main] Obama mention pie 15 times
in less than two minutes during a speech. That's change we can believe
in

(283)

(Telegraph)
2008-10-10

[Main] Actual headline: "Talkin' Bout
My Boring Generation." Welcome to old farthood, Baby Boomers

(73)

(Hartford
Courant)
2008-10-08

[Main] The headline: "Urine's
Sterile. So When Should You Drink It?" The photo: A guy eating a
roasted tarantula on a stick. If you guessed this article is a review
of a new kid's book, you win a cookie

(76)

(Some
Guy)
2008-10-08

[Main] Obama: "We all have
to make sacrifices. But I'm going to make the richest 1% pay, not
you. But we all have to make sacrifices. So here's some free money.
But remember: We all have to make sacrifices"

(659)

(AP)
2008-10-07

[Main] China is conducting its
own probe of Chinese gymnasts' ages; say they won't rest until
they find the real killers. Um–ages, l mean. The real ages

(64)

(Some
Guy)
2008-10-07

[Main] Woman dies after being
trapped in freezer she was cleaning. Police thawt it was an open-and-shut
case, but things were harder than expected. Family says they'll give
her an ice funeral

(9)

(National
Review)
2008-10-06

[Politics] How to fact-check
McCain or Palin: 1. Announce loudly that everything they just said is
a lie. 2. Take a minute to briefly skim what they actually said. 3. Extract
random, vaguely relevant information from butt to prove step 1

(74)

(New
York Daily News)
2008-10-06

[Main] Last week: 7-year-old
feeds zoo animals to the zoo's croc. This week: "CHILD GOES
ON VIOLENT RAMPAGE AT ZOO." Bonus: If the photo's to be believed,
he forced the croc to eat at gunpoint. Is there a sweeps week in Australia?

(86)

(Huffington
Post)
2008-10-06

[Politics] Columnist says he
and the rest of the liberal left have gone "batshiat crazy" since
September at the thought that McCain might win. No word on how this differs
from their mental status in years past

(119)

(Breitbart.tv)
2008-10-02

[Video] Homer Simpson demonstrates
that Obama has locked up the Fat Yellow Stupid Overbite vote

(28)

(Reuters)
2008-10-01

[Main] The headline: "Palin's
Troubles Mount." The story: Four or five journalists quoted as saying
they don't like her. This editorial — er political analysis — brought
to you by Reuters

(489)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-10-01

[Politics] We've watched
every presidential and vice presidential debate since 1988, and in our
memory the moderators are just a blur–an endless procession of Jim Lehrers,
a significant percentage of whom WERE Jim Lehrer

(32)

(Telegraph)
2008-10-01

[Main] "Why Propping Up
Banks Will Not Rescue a Debauched Financial System." Oh, c'mon
— nobody says "debauched" anymore. Yeesh

(161)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-09-30

[Main] John McCain: "We
need to allow ROTC on college campuses." College audience: "BOOOOO." Obama: "I
agree with Sen. McCain." Same college audience: "[crickets]"

(863)

(Breitbart.tv)
2008-09-29

[Main] Pelosi takes time out
from her busy schedule of calling a vote on the bailout bill to remind
us that the whole thing is Bush's fault, and Wall Street was nipple-deep
in puppies and rainbows when Clinton was in office

(518)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-09-26

[Politics] Presidents and presidential
candidates don't often take on the press directly, the way McCain
is. But two in recent history have — and both won their elections

(87)

(Fox
News)
2008-09-24

[Geek] Nothing to see here, citizens.
Better try not to THINK about anything, either

(108)

(Some
Guy)
2008-09-23

[Main] "Two Jawans, 4 militants
killed in gunbattle." Tusken Raiders claim responsibility

(81)

(Huffington
Post)
2008-09-23

[Politics] Dear Huffington Post:
Printing a transcription of one of Obama's speeches with a few comments
about how amazing he is sprinkled on top does not an article make

(48)

(Yahoo)
2008-09-22

[Main] "McCain, Obama Avoid
Same-Sex Marriage." Cindy, Michelle heave sigh of relief

(68)

(Some
Guy)
2008-09-22

[Politics] Which Obama will show
up at the debates? If you have to ask, there may be a problem no matter
which one it is

(80)

(WCBStv.com)
2008-09-21

[Politics] Rep. Charles Rangel,
yesterday: "Sarah Palin is disabled." Then he said it again.
Then once more for good measure. Today: "That's not what I meant
to say"

(92)

(YouTube)
2008-09-19

[Video] Can I interest you in
some rubber nipples? Best Ren & Stimpy clip evar

(29)

(Huffington
Post)
2008-09-18

[Politics] This week: "Palin
doesn't have a prayer in the debates against an old pro like Biden." Next
week: "Palin cheated, and Biden lost the ball in the sun. Doesn't
count. Do over"

(300)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-09-16

[Politics] Same old story: Veep
candidate with less than two years' experience as a state governor.
I am speaking, of course, about Calvin Coolidge. Also Teddy Roosevelt

(437)

(CBS
News)
2008-09-16

[Politics] "The Sarah Palin
phenomenon is doomed." Not because of any revelations or anything
— it's because the media has the attention-span of a squirrel on
crack and they're getting bored

(203)

(Gazette.com)
2008-09-14

[Main] Protip: If you want to
go out and behead some Christians with a knife, pick one who won't
hit you in the face so hard you lose an eye

(511)

(Some
Guy)
2008-09-14

[Main] You're a cop looking
for an escaped criminal. Do you C. Enter an uninvolved, innocent woman's
house without her knowledge and shoot her dog while she's taking
a shower?

(336)

(YouTube)
2008-09-12

[Video] Hey man: Is that Freedom
Rock?

(30)

(Politico)
2008-09-12

[Main] Dem Senate candidate unhappy
about ad depicting him as an aging hippy in a smoke-filled VW van. "It
could be the engine overheating," said the ad's writer

(133)

(Salon)
2008-09-11

[Politics] Latest unhinged statement:
Palin had a Down Syndrome baby on purpose to establish her pro-life bonafides

(3)

(Salon)
2008-09-11

[Politics] "Palin comes
across not as a fantasy pinup, but as a dominatrix. And the S/M demographic
isn't going to put the Republicans over the top in the swing states." Bonus:
The. Best. Photoshop. Of. Palin. EVAR

(250)

(Huffington
Post)
2008-09-11

[Politics] And today we celebrate
yet again that most cherished milestone of the electoral process: The
unveiling of this season's first whiny "won't get fooled
again" editorial

(54)

(Huffington
Post)
2008-09-11

[Politics] "While Rome Burned…
They Talked About Lipstick." Yes, the whole country's on fire.
Not that we're shooting for drama or anything here

(130)

(Reuters)
2008-09-09

[Main] North Korea sent spies
diguised as taekwondo masters to try to assassinate South Korea's
president back in the 1980s. Don't they know you should never send
a gup to do a ninja's job?

(109)

(Yahoo)
2008-09-09

[Main] Before spending (hold
pinky up to mouth) $53 MILLION on a penthouse apartment, don't you
think you might want to actually look at it first?

(108)

(Yahoo)
2008-09-05

[Main] The DNC was "a triumph
of choreography." Translation: Spinal Tap's dwarves didn't
accidentally knock over one of the Styrofoam columns

(150)

(Some
Guy)
2008-09-04

[Main] AP notes that the media
is preparing to "pore over Palin's personal life." What
have they been doing up till now — making up shiat? Oh, wait

(1101)

(Rasmussen
Reports)
2008-09-03

[Politics] Poll: Voters favor
Hillary for president over Palin, 50 to 42 percent. Meaning Hillary wins
among people who aren't actually running for president

(40)

(Miami
Herald)
2008-09-02

[Main] Since no one's paying
attention to the GOP convention, Dave Barry sneaks out on the floor and
nominates himself. With photo goodness

(94)

(Gazette.com)
2008-08-29

[Main] You're a cop; you pull
over a woman who is crying, bleeding, half-naked and who claims she was
just raped. You C: Give her a ticket, tell her to slow down, and let
her finish driving to the hospital alone

(4)

(Fox
News)
2008-08-26

[Geek] Forget wind, solar or
nuclear — the newest renewable energy source is bubble wrap. Wait, what?

(25)

(Some
Guy)
2008-08-26

[Main] Last week, McCain didn't
know how many houses he owns. This week, Obama didn't know what city
he was in

(455)

(Yahoo)
2008-08-25

[Main] National Enquirer's
editor responds to those sneering at his coverage of the Edwards affair: "I'm
rubber; you're glue." Difficulty: No, really. That's actually
what he says

(110)

(Yahoo)
2008-08-25

[Politics] Remember that college
prof in Colorado who called 9/11 victims "little Eichmanns"?
Turns out his hobby is screaming at Fox news reporters

(114)

(AP)
2008-08-20

[Politics] Six "real people" will
get to speak at the DNC in Denver. With free airfare and lodging, coaching
from professional tailors and speechwriters, and personal assistants
assigned by the DNC, of course. Now that's real

(59)

(Yahoo)
2008-08-20

[Politics] The media notes that
the media is in an orgiastic, jeans-creaming frenzy of speculation over
Obama's VP pick. But this is because Obama's a genius, not because
the media is biased

(71)

(Some
Guy)
2008-08-18

[Main] The only thing stranger
than making balloon animal Jesuses is collecting photos of them

(29)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-08-15

[Business] Conventional wisdom:
Corporate welfare. Reality: The US has the second highest corporate tax
rate in the world

(133) (+2)

(Prospect.org)
2008-08-15

[Politics] If you vote for Obama,
your penis is only as big as a tire gauge. If you vote for McCain, your
penis is the size of a mighty oil rig — thrusting, PLUNGING into the
ground. Difficulty: This guy is dead serious

(48)

(The
Hill)
2008-08-14

[Politics] "Jesse Jackson's
convention streak in doubt." He's way too old to be running
around naked anyway

(23)

(Yahoo)
2008-08-13

[Showbiz] Huffington Post writer
identifies the only actress with any class today: Joan Allen. Oddly,
there's no mention of her role in the upcoming "Death Race"

(32)

(CBS4Denver
– KCNC)
2008-08-13

[Main] Denver police build "Gitmo
on the Platte": A warehouse full of cages and barbed wire to house
arrested protesters at the Democratic Convention

(278)

(Beijing
2008)
2008-08-12

[Sports] Rarely is the question
asked: If everyone fought for Olympics tickets, why are there so many
empty seats?

(36)

(Washington
Times)
2008-08-12

[Main] American Airlines supports
the troops — for an extra $300 charge per duffel bag, that is

(163)

(Reuters)
2008-08-11

[Geek] Today's headline:
Doctoral student trying to keep rattlesnakes from being run over in Canada.
Tomorrow's headline: Doctoral student bit by ungrateful rattlesnake

(22)

(Some
Guy)
2008-08-08

[Video] Shoplifter tripped by
woman as he tries to flee. With video awesomeness (at 0:59)

(58)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-08-05

[Sports] Olympics drugs czar
complains the Russians are "systematically doping," while everyone
else has to settle for inhaling their carcinogens in Beijing

(11)

(Huffington
Post)
2008-08-05

[Politics] Obama says to inflate
your tires properly. McCain jokes about Obama. Therefore, anyone who
doesn't buy a tire gauge today doesn't care about national security.
Difficulty: No, really. That's really what they say here

(96)

(Huffington
Post)
2008-08-05

[Politics] Huffington Post: "Women
become suicide bombers because they can get just as batshiat crazy as
men. Just kidding. Actually, it's all the United States' fault"

(73)

(Yahoo)
2008-08-05

[Politics] It's time for
the whiny "The caucus is elitist and unfair" editorials. Next
up: The whiny "let's get money out of politics" editorials
and the even more whiny "won't get fooled again" editorials

(57)

(CBS
News)
2008-08-04

[Main] Obama's calling his
plane "O-Force One." Funny — that's submitter's nickname
for something, too

(338)

(Some
Guy)
2008-08-01

[Politics] Gay activists threaten
to show up at James Dobson's induction into the Radio Hall of Fame
with FABULOUS protest signs

(80)

(Some
Guy)
2008-08-01

[Main] Actual headline: "Master
Bait & Tackle and Tiki Bar Cafe hit by burglars." Police react
stiffly, saying a stroke or two of luck will help them find the money
shot by the thieves

(50)

(Some
Guy)
2008-08-01

[Geek] Some guy actually crunches
the numbers and realizes Obama's right: Proper tire inflation could
indeed save as much oil as we could get with new drilling. In a mere
11,308 years

(173)

(Some
Guy)
2008-07-30

[Main] "Man hits bear on
motorcycle." No word on whether the bear was wearing a helmet, but
he did have a wooden leg named Smith

(52)

(MSNBC)
2008-07-29

[Main] Analysts believe that
if Obama completes his march to the Oval Office, his backing will dissipate
the first time he presses Europe to send more troops to Afghanistan or
to support an aggressive U.S. military stance at odds with Europe

(383)

(Yahoo)
2008-07-28

[Main] "7 Tips for Brian
Williams for His Interview with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." "Bring
Kleenex to wipe off the spittle" and "ask for a review of his
meds" strangely absent

(137)

(CBS2Chicago.com)
2008-07-24

[Business] Gas expected to drop
to $3.50 a gallon by Labor Day. Quick: Someone blame Bush

(94)

(Fox
News)
2008-07-24

[Geek] Star explodes and no one
notices. No, this has nothing to do with "The View"

(27)

(Some
Guy)
2008-07-23

[Showbiz] James Dobson inducted
into Radio Hall of Fame, winning over Bob Costas, Dr. Laura and some
nobody named Howard Stern

(39)

(ABC)
2008-07-21

[Main] McCain challenges Obama
to admit he was wrong about the Surge. Obama triple-dog dares McCain
to stick his tongue on a cold flagpole

(134)

(Politico)
2008-07-21

[Politics] Al Gore would never
resort to half-truths, hyperbole, hysterical fearmongering or shrill
rhetoric. So when he says offshore drilling is just like invading Iraq,
he must be on to some new inconvenient truth

(90)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-07-17

[Politics] Bill Clinton discovers
to no one's surprise that he's just as happy to be an attention
whore for Obama as he was for Hillary

(32)

(Rolling
Stone)
2008-07-17

[Main] I'll see your offensive
cartoon of McCain no one cared about and raise you another offensive
cartoon of McCain no one will care about, this one featuring racially
stereotyped caricatures to boot

(201)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-07-17

[Politics] Either the New York
Times has fired all its fact-checkers, or Obama's grandfather fought
in the Russian Army in WWII. Take your pick

(65)

(ABC)
2008-07-17

[Main] Sen. Carl Levin wants
to shut down some giant Swiss bank; makes no attempt to do anything about
Mentos commercials

(118)

(Some
Guy)
2008-07-15

[Geek] Cornell University identifies
the two major crises facing the world. 1: Global climate change. 2: No
one really know anything about how global climate works. Wait, what?

(5)

(Salon)
2008-07-15

[Politics] If you wondered how
long it would take someone to blame the New Yorker cover satirizing Obama
on Bush, the answer is two days

(1)

(Globe
and Mail)
2008-07-15

[Main] Canada to US military
deserters: Go home, eh. In fact, here's some handcuffs and a few
police officers to escort you

(409)

(Yahoo)
2008-07-14

[Politics] Folks who are upset
at Obama's telecom vote are urging people to vote for Ralph Nader
instead. In related news, if you start saying "President McCain" to
yourself now, it'll come naturally by November

(159)

(Yahoo)
2008-07-11

[Politics] Principal Skinner
speaks: Just because Iran's president is batshiat insane, has bragged
about acquiring nukes and is test-launching missiles doesn't mean
there's anything to worry about

(146)

(The
Smoking Gun)
2008-07-11

[Main] I have a dream — that
one day my children will fight like kindergartners over my estate

(118)

(Huffington
Post)
2008-07-10

[Politics] Huffington Post helpfully
explains that Obama isn't really shifting to the center. The problem
is that he's so brilliant no one understands him, and besides, liberals
are all insane. Difficulty: No, really

(150)

(Some
Guy)
2008-07-09

[Main] Shed of the Year includes
full bar with taps, TV, club chairs, fridges and a hammock. In related
news, "Sheddies" designate an annual Shed of the Year

(69)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-07-08

[Politics] Guess who started
a prototype affirmative action program in his insurance company clear
back in 1965 because he wanted "to do something to help the Negro
race to recognize the opportunity that awaits it." Would you believe
Jesse Helms?

(67)

(Chicago
Sun-Times)
2008-07-07

[Politics] Jerry Garcia rises
from the Dead to endorse Obama. Look for a Deadhead sticker on the presidential
seal come November

(60)

(Huffington
Post)
2008-07-03

[Politics] Huffington Post: Some
right-winger caught plagiarizing from a baby. In related news, babies
can hold intellectual copyrights

(35)

(Huffington
Post)
2008-06-24

[Politics] In case you were wondering,
Obama never, EVER "flip-flops." He does change his mind on
occasion. But only John McCain is a flip-flopper

(171)

(Some
Guy)
2008-06-24

[Politics] Scorecard: When Obama's
aides kick Muslim women out of a photo-op, it's an unfortunate mistake
not reflecting the campaign. When McCain's aide says a terrorist
attack would help McCain, it proves the entire GOP is morally bankrupt

(204)

(AP)
2008-06-22

[Main] Another tear-jerking,
heart-wrenching account of how the economy is forcing people to make
coffee at home instead of going to Starbucks and drop expensive gym memberships
in lieu of jogging for free. The horror, the horror

(357)

(Boston
Globe)
2008-06-19

[Main] Inmate wins lawsuit to
get Vegan diet, saying regular diets are violent. Guess he got all the
violence out of his system when he beat his 5-month-old son to death.
Still no "World's Smallest Violin" tag

(200)

(BBC)
2008-06-18

[Politics] Britain's socialized
medical system is about to go belly-up because all the old folks there
are going insane. No word on a solution, although doctors seem to be
renting "Soylent Green" a lot for some reason

(7)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-06-18

[Politics] Obama meets with Iraqi
foreign minister, assures him he won't pull out troops any time soon.
In related news, Cindy Sheehan spotted pounding her head on a sidewalk

(11)

(Some
Guy)
2008-06-18

[Main] Police have verified that
the six feet found in Canada don't all belong to the same victim.
Chief Wiggum does first-ever facepalm

(23)

(Huffington
Post)
2008-06-18

[Main] David Weiner from Huffington
Post does some hard-hitting investigative journalism and discovers Cindy
McCain's cookie recipe is suspiciously similar to someone else's.
Weiner

(119)

(Boston
Globe)
2008-06-18

[Geek] The coolest pictures of
Saturn and its moons you'll see today

(42)

(The
Smoking Gun)
2008-06-16

[Main] Today's "I got
glued to a Home Depot toilet so I'm suing yer arse off" story
comes to you from St. Louis. TSG is there

(184)

(The
Sun)
2008-06-12

[Main] Letting your 5-year-old
daughter give you a tattoo is wrong on so many levels. What kind of a
parent–a skull and crossbones? Cool

(87)

(CNN)
2008-06-10

[Politics] Members of the press
whine about getting a free plane ride; make some noise about being promised
an interview with Obama, then being told Obama wasn't on board after
the plane took off. Wussies

(37)

(WorldNetDaily)
2008-06-09

[Main] Dear Congress: If you
don't get us more oil I will personally stomp each and every one
of you headfirst into the ground in the Alaska National Wilflife Refuge.
Love, Chuck Norris

(423)

(The
New York Times)
2008-06-09

[Main] New York Times discovers
that people who make less money spend a higher percentage of their income
on gas. In related news, half of all Americans have a below-average income

(4)

(Reuters)
2008-06-03

[Politics] Hillary: "I'm
sort of a day-at-a-time person." Not that we need a long-term thinker
in the White House. In related news, Fleetwood Mac releases remix titled "Don't
Start Thinkin' About Tomorrow"

(45)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-06-03

[Politics] Obama Barack has released
a one-page letter from his doctor. John McCain has released more than
1,000 pages of his medical records. Guess which candidate the New York
Times is accusing of withholding information — go on, guess (third item)

(205)

(Forbes)
2008-05-23

[Main] Step 1. Get offered promotion.
Step 2. Turn it down because you weigh 400 pounds, the new job involves
travel and you're embarrassed to book double seats. Step 3. Cry discrimination.
Step 4. Profit?

(203)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-05-23

[Business] AP writer who has
loudly, confidently and repeatedly announced we're in a recession
now notes that it's kind of hard to tell when a recession ends

(10)

(Huffington
Post)
2008-05-22

[Politics] Abbie Hoffman, 1968: "Let's
hold hands and levitate the Pentagon–it'll stop the war." John
Cusack, 2008: "Let's film Hillary Duff stuffing a scorpion down
her pants–it'll stop the war"

(68)

(Telegraph)
2008-05-22

[Main] British guy's girlfriend
is a Herbie the Love Bug replica named Vanilla. And he wants you to know
that he's had sex with 1,000 cars, but he's not weird or anything.
Vanilla offered no comment

(95)

(Some
Guy)
2008-05-21

[Main] Canton, Ohio, vows to
jail anyone growing grass. No, not the kind you smoke — the kind you
mow and tell kids to get off of

(258)

(Some
Guy)
2008-05-19

[Main] Sandwich Rehab Hospital
Cuts Jobs." No condiment from hospital spokesperson. Patients reassigned
to Mayo Clinic

(66)

(Chicago
Tribune)
2008-05-16

[Politics] Chicago Tribune editor
worries that Equine-Americans were offended about an article that compared
Hillary Clinton to Eight Belles

(30)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-05-16

[Politics] Not news: Someone's
accusing Obama of being a Muslim. Fark: Someone writing an editorial
for The New York Times, that is

(115)

(CBS3.com)
2008-05-16

[Main] Today's "insanely
expensive sandwich getting free publicity from unnecessary media coverage" story
comes to you from The City of Brotherly Love. Note to media: Expensive
food is not newsworthy

(103)

(Yahoo)
2008-05-15

[Video] Bush has a hidden talent:
His impression of Dr. Evil. With video goodn — well, with video

(37)

(Yahoo)
2008-05-13

[Main] By 2009, the army will
be destroyed, Social Security will be bankrupt and global warming will
kill us all. Worse, we'll have a permanent Democratic majority. The
good news is you won't have to read stupid predictions of doom anymore

(431)

(Yahoo)
2008-05-13

[Geek] Thomas Friedman has "fading
green bonafides." Translation: He had the audacity to notice that
coal is somewhat less dangerous than antimatter

(26)

(Philly.com)
2008-05-09

[Politics] Al Gore will not accept
a cabinet post, no matter who wins. Which is convenient, because no one
has offered him one. In related news, Submitter will not accept $5 million,
no matter who offers it

(50)

(Yahoo)
2008-05-08

[Main] Teddy Roosevelt was an
idiot for naming the White House because that sounds too much like White
Castle. Also says Dr. Seuss should have named it instead. Then the article
gets a little weird

(129)

(CBS
News)
2008-05-08

[Politics] Alec Baldwin thinking
about running for office, says he's always really admired Fred Thompson,
Sonny Bono and that Gopher guy from "Love Boat." Still no cure
for Alec Baldwin

(73)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-05-05

[Sports] After enough sniveling
by LeBron James, Papa John's apologizes for calling him a crybaby.
Does ANYONE just play a sport anymore?

(42)

(Yahoo)
2008-05-04

[Politics] With all the noise
about Miley Cyrus and Barack Obama, you might not have noticed John McCain
talking about the good things the Mafia has done. Wait, what?

(48)

(Guardian)
2008-05-04

[Main] Some scientist you never
heard of has figured out why there's a surge in shark attacks this
year: Global warming

(226)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-05-02

[Politics] Campaign coverage has
reached the phase where the media is running stories about whether the
media is running too many stories. If only someone would write a book
about this stuff

(0)

(Washington
Post)
2008-05-01

[Main] Marti Tracy can't
afford all organic food anymore. She can't buy expensive individual
servings, either. And now she's being forced to–perish forfend–clip
coupons. If you can read this without weeping you're not human

(321)

(WTOP)
2008-05-01

[Politics] Obama wants the FEC
to investigate a pro-Hillary group. They can't, because the six-member
committee has four vacancies. Which would be filled by now if Obama hadn't
personally stonewalled the nominees

(99)

(Reuters)
2008-05-01

[Showbiz] Not news: Anti-Iraq
war movies have bombed consistently. News: So of course Hollywood's
making another one. Fark: Starring Hillary Duff

(52)

(Some
Guy)
2008-04-30

[Politics] Michael Dukakis rises
from the dead, says he knows everything there is to know about losing
and Hillary will tank

(20)

(Some
Guy)
2008-04-24

[Main] Old and busted: Students
get suspended over swords. New hotness: They bought 18-inch LOTR replicas
in London while 4,000 miles from school

(80)

(Charleston.net)
2008-04-23

[Main] Today's Unclear on
the Concept Headline Award goes to: "Cinco de Mayo Set for May 2"

(70)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-04-22

[Main] FCC chief: "Leave
the Internet alone." No word on whether he wants Britney left alone

(74)

(Some
Guy)
2008-04-21

[Showbiz] Coming soon: "An
Inconvenient Truth, Electric Car Boogaloo"

(32)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-04-21

[Politics] Forty-one different "journalists" have
independently decided it was totally unfair for Barack Obama to get some
questions at the debate that weren't softballs

(127)

(Some
Guy)
2008-04-21

[Politics] Michael Moore: "Can't
vote — eating. OM NOM NOM NOM"

(160)

(AP)
2008-04-19

[Geek] "The solution to
pollution is not eating spiders." Just in case you were wondering

(20)

(Yahoo)
2008-04-16

[Politics] Part 2 in a series:
When a Democrat says something stupid, he's still correct but just
chose his words poorly. When a Republican says something stupid, he's
proving all Republicans are racist

(311)

(Some
Guy)
2008-04-15

[Main] China follows up its demand
for an apology from CNN by saying Nancy Pelosi is "disgusting." Even
a broken clock is right twice a day

(184)

(Yahoo)
2008-04-15

[Main] China resents being called
a bunch of goons, threatens to ship more poison dog food and toxic toys
if CNN doesn't apologize

(152)

(AP)
2008-04-14

[Main] "'Girls Gone
Wild' president cleared." Well, yeah, but Hillary was still
pretty pissed

(31)

(Yahoo)
2008-04-14

[Politics] Let's tell it
like it is. The ongoing question in this campaign is which candidate
is going to make the next stupid comment

(34)

(Yahoo)
2008-04-14

[Main] Part 2 in a series: Huffington
Post again explains that since small-town America really does consist
of nothing but bigoted, inbred, drooling gun-nut religious whackos, Obama
is a hero

(692)

(Yahoo)
2008-04-14

[Politics] New math: If a Republican
says something critical about Democrats, he's revealing his bigotry.
If it's the other way around, the Democrat had a good point but chose
his words poorly

(228)

(CSIndy.com)
2008-04-14

[Main] The only thing scarier
than finding some undetonated dynamite on a hike is being dumb enough
to take it home and put it in your kitchen. Bonus: Graphic of 5,000-foot
oil rig looming over defenseless town

(51)

(Breitbart.tv)
2008-04-13

[Video] Cheney’s plane
blows media’s equipment away (with awesome video goodness)

(19)

(Yahoo)
2008-04-13

[Geek] Russia honors Laika, the
dog who was the first living being sent into space. Also the first to
die in space, but they aren't celebrating that part

(57)

(Some
Guy)
2008-04-13

[Politics] Alec Baldwin explains
why it would be good to elect Obama: Because then he could appoint Hillary
to the Supreme Court. Still no cure for Alec Baldwin

(56)

(Yahoo)
2008-04-13

[Politics] Huffington Post insists
Obama shouldn't be punished for calling small-town America a bunch
of racist, homophobe gun nuts. Because they are. So there

(328)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-04-12

[Politics] The NAACP decides
to help Obama by inviting Jeremiah Wright to be the keynote speaker at
their next convention

(78)

(Yahoo)
2008-04-09

[Politics] Huffington Post correspondent
shocked–SHOCKED–to discover that US politicians use the Autopen. A
lot

(32)

(Some
Guy)
2008-04-07

[Politics] Governor Jon Corzine
(D-Huff Post) loudly and angrily insists he is not — repeat NOT — going
to stop supporting Hillary. Translation: He'll be an Obama supporter
by the end of this week

(21)

(WCBS
880)
2008-04-03

[Main] Today's "I Smell
a Lawsuit" story comes from New York, where kids brought toothpaste-filled
Oreos to school for an April Fools prank, and someone's precious
snowflake got sick after eating three of them

(181)

(Some
Guy)
2008-04-03

[Politics] And the winner of
this week's pick for Democratic scapegoat to explain why they're
going to lose big in November: Bloggers

(38)

(NYPost)
2008-04-03

[Politics] Hillary announces
that Obama cannot win. Well, that's all folks. Drive home safely;
thanks for coming

(107)

(Yahoo)
2008-04-02

[Politics] Liberal bloggers accuse
the media of being too fixated on McCain. Media pauses while drawing
picture of Obama in its locker and all over its notebooks, says "McCain
who?"

(121)

(Yahoo)
2008-04-01

[Main] Ah, the beach: The sun,
the surf, building sandcastles, finding a woman's severed head in
a plastic bag. Good times, good times

(115)

(Washington
Post)
2008-03-31

[Main] Someone forgot to send
The Wall Street Journal the memo about newspapers being in financial
crisis

(38)

(AP)
2008-03-29

[Politics] Hillary announces
that she'll quit her doomed campaign when they pry it from her cold,
dead hands

(67)

(Washington
Post)
2008-03-28

[Main] Washington Post: "Just
because something has appeared in a newspaper does not mean that is entirely
accurate"

(48)

(Reuters)
2008-03-26

[Politics] From the Endorsement
You Don't Want Department: Hugo Chavez says he'll back whichever
Dem wins the nomination. Unlikely Tag Dept.: He also says if McCain wins,
relations with the US will "only get worse"

(160)

(Some
Guy)
2008-03-25

[Politics] Rep. Michael R. DesRoches
(D., N.H., No-Show) resigns after 16 months in Congress in which he never
showed up on Capitol Hill and never cast a vote. We need about 584 more
just like him

(38)

(NBC4.com)
2008-03-25

[Main] While waiting for SCOTUS' ruling
on the D.C. gun ban, D.C. police while away the time by asking all law-abiding
citizens to submit to voluntary searches for firearms. Resistance is
futile, citizens

(254)

(WFTV)
2008-03-21

[Main] Any frat boy can trash
a hotel room during spring break. It takes a special kind of asshat to
dynamite the room's balcony

(136)

(Reuters)
2008-03-19

[Geek] Not news: Police pull
over a truck full o'drugs. News: It's also got a smokescreen
device, spike sprayer, bulletproof armor and enough firepower for WW
III. Or the next James Bond movie

(22)

(Slate)
2008-03-19

[Main] Slate dares ask the question
uppermost in all our minds: When did Chester the Cheetah get so creepy?

(136)

(AFP)
2008-03-18

[Main] Not news: "Model
prisoner" allowed to go on unsupervised visit. News: To visit the
pope. Fark: He disappeared and is still at large

(16)

(Breitbart.tv)
2008-03-17

[Main] Actual headline: "Local
Not Too Happy About Two Dozen Sex Offenders Living in Nearby Hotel." In
related news, pitchforks, rope and kerosene just went on sale at the
hardware store across the street

(72)

(Yahoo)
2008-03-14

[Politics] Huff Post writer: "Bush
is an arrogant douchbag to say invading Iraq was the right thing to do,
and the fact that it actually seems to be working is irrelevant"

(197)

(Yahoo)
2008-03-14

[Politics] Huffington Post: Boxing
is not as popular as it used to be, which is why Hillary's waging
a dirty campaign and political writers are usually older than sports
writers. Or something like that

(12)

(AFP)
2008-03-14

[Main] Man who stashed his life
savings in a haystack is shocked to discover that, when hungry, rats
will eat money

(60)

(Yahoo)
2008-03-14

[Politics] The AFL-CIO researched
McCain's record on "working family issues" and is not happy.
In related news, "working family issues" is the new way to
say "politicians that are owned by unions"

(93)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-03-13

[Geek] "Discoveries of surgically
perforated ancient skulls are uncommon in Greece." Because we're
just tripping over heaps of them here in the U.S.

(20)

(Yahoo)
2008-03-12

[Main] Weird: Vegas man paints
his car to match a police cruiser, including insignia and lights. Fark:
It's perfectly legal

(98)

(Wired)
2008-03-12

[Main] "The researchers
didn't test on a live pacemaker wearer. Instead they put the target
device into a bag of meat, which is much the same thing." In related
news, never go grocery shopping with a scientist

(84)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-03-11

[Main] Man steps on grape at
grocery store; sues for injury. YOU GONNA GET GRAPED

(62)

(AFP)
2008-03-10

[Main] Wild elephants block Sri
Lankan polls. Democrats seen taking notes for future excuses, lawsuits

(56)

(SFGate)
2008-03-08

[Politics] Teachers' unions
are delighted that California cracked down on homeschooling. Because
they care about nothing more than tenure–I mean, the children

(172)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-03-06

[Main] As it does every year
at this time, the media finds itself flabbergasted, shocked and awed
to discover a brewery making a few batches of green beer

(47)

(Yahoo)
2008-03-04

[Politics] Huffington Post: Don't
listen to all that silly talk about the press being orgasmic over Obama
— they're actually heavily biased toward Hillary. In related news,
let us reiterate that there is no such thing as media bias

(102)

(WHKY.com)
2008-03-04

[Main] I'll see your "political
argument gets all stabby" article and raise you a "political
argument gets all baseball batty" article, plus mugshot goodness

(32)

(Yahoo)
2008-03-03

[Main] Your tax dollars hard
at work: FDA warns people not to swallow inhalers

(50)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-03-03

[Showbiz] Simon Cowell is so
upset and embarrassed about being offered $1 million to do a Viagra ad,
he's telling everyone in the whole world about it

(13)

(Prankies.com)
2008-03-02

[Video] Skater vs Garage Door.
Hint: Put your money on the garage door (NSFW ads at site)

(24)

(Some
Guy)
2008-02-28

[Main] After the rousing success
of their sex scandal about McCain, MSM is now pretending he's not
eligible to be president because he was born in Panama

(188)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-02-27

[Main] Faced with a shortage
of managers, hotel chain conducts "speed recruiting" drive
featuring three-minute interviews. What could possibly go wrong?

(35)

(Breitbart.tv)
2008-02-27

[Main] You're a mom whose
child is complaining his teacher is mean. You C) Bug your kid's backpack
and record the teacher saying "You are all stupid kids"

(186)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-02-27

[Politics] According to Obama
a "patriotic" company is one that pays lots and lots of taxes,
is friendly to Big Labor and unions and pays all employee health costs.
Oh goody

(191)

(Mercury
News)
2008-02-26

[Music] Father of Christian rock,
Larry Norman, dead at 60. No longer visiting this planet

(30)

(Some
Guy)
2008-02-26

[Main] Today's incoherent
headline: "Clouds made yesterday meant chill stuck aroundly." Move
zig for great justice

(83)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-02-26

[Main] Nader can't run for
the Green Party this year; they've already selected a less embarrassing
candidate with a better chance of winning: Good old Cynthia "I Hate
Jews" McKopslapper

(259)

(Yahoo)
2008-02-25

[Main] Media admits it never
runs anything negative about Obama, but promises they're looking
real hard for the tiniest imperfection and if they ever find it, they'll
nail him

(306)

(Yahoo)
2008-02-25

[Main] Problem: Lots of riots
and barfights in Berlin. Solution: Buy shoes for the police dogs

(31)

(Metacafe)
2008-02-24

[Video] From living room to inferno
in under two minutes. With video terrifyingness

(36)

(AFP)
2008-02-24

[Main] 1. Join South Korean army.
2. Get so stressed out you go bald. 3. Demand government compensation.
4. Profit, big time

(28)

(Some
Guy)
2008-02-23

[Showbiz] Mink eyelashes, cleavage
buffing, underarm Botox – how the stars are preparing for the Oscars

(19)

(Yahoo)
2008-02-23

[Main] If it weren't for
YouTube, a man wearing a little black dress and a pearl necklace would
be unlikely to get a question in for the leader of the Spanish opposition.
No one expects the Spanish Opposition

(32)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-02-21

[Politics] The New Republic: "The
New York Times' sex scandal story about McCain is nothing more than
smears, innuendoes and lies. And we're proud that we forced them
to publish it."

(84)

(Breitbart.tv)
2008-02-21

[Main] It's bad enough the
Kosovo protesters torched the US embassy, but did they have to moon the
news cameras? NSFW

(80)

(Yahoo)
2008-02-21

[Main] Huffington Post journalist
meekly points out that Obama might not be perfect. Enraged mob en route
with torches, pitchforks

(860)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-02-21

[Politics] Problem: You're
a judge trying to force a reporter to divulge sources, but you can't
throw her in jail. Solution: Fine her $45,000 and forbid anyone to help
pay it. Nothing to see here, citizens

(58)

(Some
Guy)
2008-02-20

[Showbiz] Jessica Alba photoshoot
recreates a bunch of classic horror movie moments, thankfully not including
Monster's Ball sex scene

(0)

(Yahoo)
2008-02-19

[Politics] Huffington Post doesn't
mind if Obama steals from other's speeches — they're upset that
he's "reading from a script." Because everyone knows politicians
speak totally off the cuff, with no notes or anything

(38)

(Yahoo)
2008-02-19

[Showbiz] Autism group demands
apology from CBS, underwear from K-Mart

(38)

(Yahoo)
2008-02-17

[Main] If you think pennies are
worthless, Walter Husak, who just auctioned of 301 antique pennies for
$10.7 million, would like to have a word with you

(67)

(Some
Guy)
2008-02-18

[Main] Colordao parenst happy
about new bill reqiuring shcools to test for dyselxia

(107)

(AFP)
2008-02-17

[Main] A little watermelon meat
or soap bubbles for dinner?

(19)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-02-15

[Main] Bosnian drunk driver tested,
found to be driving at–we interrupt this bulletin to advise you to sit
down and put your head between your knees–0.06, or 20 times the legal
limit

(113)

(Reuters)
2008-02-15

[Main] One man's terrorist
is another man's presidential candidate: Reuters prints "Osama" instead
of "Obama." Three times. In one article

(103)

(Yahoo)
2008-02-13

[Main] The Huffington Post knows
how to solve overpopulation, global warming and world hunger all at once:
We should all start eating grubs, larvae, roadkill and weeds. Bonus:
No, really. They're serious

(167)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-02-12

[Main] Driver gets stuck in ditch
across the street from a gym. 10 bodybuilders lift his car out of ditch,
grunt, scream and slam it back down on the pavement. Energy drinks for
all

(107)

(AFP)
2008-02-12

[Main] Indian flight attendant
fired over enormous handlebar moustache (with pic). Yes, it's a guy.
Paul Teutel, Sr. enroute with his size 12s

(53)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-02-08

[Politics] Division and disunity
were the GOP watchwords in 2008. But the party with the meat cleaver
down its middle is in fact the Democrats

(26)

(Omaha
World Herald)
2008-02-07

[Main] Ted Turner says he doesn't
want to buy all the land in the contiguous United States — just everything
that touches the 1,960,000 acres he already owns

(79)

(NBC
11)
2008-02-07

[Main] Berkeley: "We are
dead set against having military offices here." US Senate: "Enough
to lose all your federal funding?" Berkeley: "What are you
talking about? We support the troops and we always have"

(394)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-02-07

[Main] Actual headline: "Russians
open up new front in British-German sunbed war." In related news,
there is a British-German sunbed war

(49)

(Some
Guy)
2008-02-06

[Main] "Suspect Dies Following
Scuffle." So remember, kids: Never follow a scuffle

(44)

(ABC)
2008-02-06

[Main] "Oprah Resolves Voting
Machine Glitches." Is there anything Oprah can't do?

(77)

(Some
Guy)
2008-02-04

[Main] College bans blood drives
as "discriminatory" because they screen for HIV. Surprisingly,
it's not Berkeley

(348)

(Yahoo)
2008-02-04

[Main] The story: After four
straight years of growth, employment figures dipped slightly last month.
The headline: "EMPLOYMENT DROPS IN PINK SLIP BLIZZARD." In
related news, Pink Slip Blizzard would be a great band name

(99)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-02-04

[Main] Cambodian parents not
worried that their seven-year-old son sleeps with a 16-foot, 100-pound
snake. Gary Larson en route with intellectual-property-theft lawsuit

(74)

(Some
Guy)
2008-01-31

[Politics] Edwards' backers
know why he had to drop out of the race: It's just too hard for a
rich white man to break into politics

(20)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-01-30

[Politics] "Five months after
Democratic candidates agreed Florida and Michigan wouldn't get delegates
to the convention, Hillary Clinton now says they should — a reversal
that would benefit her now that she has won both states"

(8)

(Reuters)
2008-01-30

[Geek] The hype: AIDS is a US
epidemic and we're not doing enough to fight it. The reality: Less
than 1 percent of people in the US are HIV-positive

(30)

(Fox
News)
2008-01-29

[Main] Runaway lettuce truck
leafs road and crashes into house, killing driver. The house's occupants
can romaine, but the truck is chard

(81)

(Boston
Globe)
2008-01-29

[Politics] Don't you hate
it when you're riding a bus that keeps crashing and killing people,
so you get a new driver but the new driver does the same thing? Welcome
to the presidential election

(29)

(Boston
Globe)
2008-01-29

[Main] Parade float to commemorate
Holocaust with a big pile of fake dead bodies. What could possibly go
wrong?

(128)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-01-25

[Main] Strategies You'll
Never See on "Perry Mason," No. 387: "My client's
genitals are so small he'd be too embarrassed to be a flasher"

(38)

(JPost.com)
2008-01-24

[Main] Hamas stages "blackouts" and
holds press conferences by candlelight. Problem: "Some journalists
noticed the candles weren't necessary because it was daytime." SOME
journalists noticed it was daytime?

(283)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-01-24

[Politics] Washington Post, 2005: "We
apologize for publishing a politically biased, inaccurate study by the
National Priorities Project." 2007: "ZOMG–the National Priorities
Project says the Army is falling apart"

(25)

(Some
Guy)
2008-01-23

[Business] With all the talk
about how to stimulate it, you'd think that the economy is a giant
clitoris

(90)

(The
Smoking Gun)
2008-01-22

[Main] New online first-person
shooter game lets you shoot paintballs at presidential candidates. The
Smoking Gun is there

(71)

(Yahoo)
2008-01-21

[Politics] Homeless vet recalls
happier times in Iraq, like getting drunk on duty with vodak his mom
sent him disguised as Scope. His homelessness is Bush's fault, of
course

(58)

(Breitbart.tv)
2008-01-21

[Sports] Not news: Die-hard Patriots
fan gets a tattoo of a Patriots helmet. Skipping right past News, Fark
and Totalfark to Ultrafark: A full-sized helmet tattooed on his head.
With video goodness

(6)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-01-21

[Main] Eight hospitalized after
eating "questionable muffins," aka "loaded with cannabis." In
related news, The Questionable Muffins would be a great band name

(6)

(Some
Guy)
2008-01-20

[Geek] Alec Baldwin, professional
scientist person, explains why the FDA was wrong to allow cloned beef.
Still no cure for Alec Baldwin

(38)

(Yahoo)
2008-01-18

[Main] Today's incoherent
headline award goes to: "Buffalo disease, Naples trash sour mozzarella
sales." Somebody set us up the bomb

(44)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-01-18

[Politics] Now that we're
fifteen days into the primary season, here's the media's coverage
in a nutshell: "Are we there yet?"

(29)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-01-17

[Politics] Democrats, last week: "Asking
for ID will disenfranchise voters." This week: "Let's sue
to make it harder for the casino union workers in Nevada to vote."

(156)

(Politico.com)
2008-01-17

[Politics] Obama fondly recalls
a great president who gave America hope again; who changed the country
in a positive way; a man he aspires to be: Ronald Reagan. Wait, what?

(102)

(Yahoo)
2008-01-16

[Showbiz] The Academy's top
picks are less and less likely to be box-office hits as well, but that's
because most Americans aren't as smart about real life as people
in Hollywood are

(41)

(Yahoo)
2008-01-16

[Politics] Huffington Post has
run articles comparing Obama and/or Hillary to JFK, RFK and MLK every
day for the past two weeks. WTFK could possibly go wrong?

(62)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-01-15

[Politics] Democrats decide deficits
aren't so bad after all. As Hillary put it: "Stimulus shouldn't
be paid for." Bill seen sweating, tugging at his collar

(96)

(MSNBC)
2008-01-14

[Politics] Hillary: "I'd
just like to point out for the millionth time that Obama is black and
I'm a girl; but I must stress that it just doesn't matter that
I'm a girl and Obama is black"

(143)

(Gazette.com)
2008-01-14

[Main] Hot wings place in Colorado
hires a guy to stand outside in a chicken suit; city forces owner to
have the guy in the chicken suit hold a flag to "maintan the town's
mountain grandeur." With snowy chicken-suited photo goodness

(171)

(Variety.com)
2008-01-14

[Showbiz] Legendary publicist
fears Hollywood's end is near, prompting a huge yawn of panic from
the 99.999999 percent of us who live in the real world

(30)

(tylerpaper.com)
2008-01-11

[Main] PETA doesn't much
care that a guy killed and ate his girlfriend, but now they're asking
the jail to give him a vegetarian diet so he won't be doing any "senseless
killing"

(237)

(Yahoo)
2008-01-08

[Politics] Don't drink the “Barack
Obama is the best thing since sliced bread how did we ever exist as a
nation without him this is our last chance to elect a black president
so we better support him see I told you racism is dead” Kool Aid

(196)

(Yahoo)
2008-01-08

[Politics] Dear Huffington Post:
If you compare Obama to JFK, RFK and MLK all in the same article, we
get the message that you like him. Up next: Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Santa
Claus and Jesus Christ

(39)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-01-07

[Main] Obvious: Congress sends
Bush a $516 billion spending bill with 8,993 earmarks. Not so much: They
skipped some steps in the budget process, meaning Bush could cut all
the pork out if he wants without a line-item veto

(215)

(Washington
Post)
2008-01-07

[Politics] Maybe the way Hillary's
going to get universal health care passed is by boring everyone in the
nation into a coma. With video goodneszzzzzzzz

(8)

(Politico.com)
2008-01-07

[Politics] Bill pulls a Rudy;
answers a call from Hillary during a speech. Of course, everyone knows
it's fake, but thinks it's cute anyway, since it's Slick
Willy

(25)

(Some
Guy)
2008-01-06

[Showbiz] New tell-all book about
Tom Cruise says Scientology has taken over his life completely. To prove
the author wrong, Cruise is suing for $100 million, which certainly ought
to discourage anyone from reading it

(48)

(London
Times)
2008-01-06

[Showbiz] George Clooney threatening
to boycott the Oscars, prompting a huge yawn of outrage from the rest
of the world

(35)

(Yahoo)
2008-01-04

[Main] Actual headline: "NASA
hopes to launch space shuttle launch this month." This announcement
sponsored by the Department of Redundancy Department

(0)

(Wall
Street Journal)
2008-01-04

[Politics] One of the very few
people who predicted Howard Dean would come in third in Iowa in 2004
is the same person who predicted Hillary would come in third yesterday:
Every Democrat's favorite political writer, Robert Novak

(41)

(Some
Guy)
2008-01-03

[Main] Mosque workers in Dharapuram
shocked to discover someone threw a piece of pork into the mosque during
the night. Bonus: The incident prompted police to "beef up security"

(85)

(AFP)
2008-01-03

[Main] You're a South African
BMW owner who finds a whole family of Cape Hyrax living under your hood.
Do you: C. Drive across town at high speed to the dealership and abandon
the car there with no explanation?

(94)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-01-02

[Main] Fire chief says he's
responded to a lot of strange calls, but this was the first time he had
to help a 75-year-old guy who was thrown, then mauled, while attempting
to ride his pet buffalo

(20)

(Breitbart.com)
2008-01-01

[Main] An online poll shows growing
support for Bhutto's son. Is this because 1) He's motivated due
to the loss of his mother? 2) He's qualified due to his Oxford education,
or 3) He's hot, OMG he's so HOT111eleventy

(133)