2014 Greenlights

  [Entertainment] Duude–**pfft**–if you watch The Wizard of Oz and listen to Dark Side of the Moon, they totally match up. **pfft** It's also all about how farmers in Kansas wanted Washington to keep the dollar on the gold standard back in the 1930s **pfft** (48)
  [Main] The McRib is back. Yes, yes, yes, foodies; we know it's nothing more than a sesame seed-encrusted turd straight from the bowels of Lucifer himself. We'll pretend we didn't see you buying a sackful of them (105)
(Japan Times)
  [Main] Obscene Kayak would be a great name for a band (70)
  [Video] Jet-powered Pinewood Derby car. Because why the hell not? (27)
(The Verge)
  [Politics] Obama announces his response to North Korea's involvement in the Sony hacking: He's considering assembling a fact-finding body to consider a commission to discuss plans for possibly forming a team to write a strongly-worded letter of some sort (215)
  [Main] Two girls who stabbed a friend to impress Slenderman found competent. At stabbing, that is. Also to stand trial. At telling real life apart from fiction, not so much (131)
(KRDO Colorado Springs)
  [Main] If someone calls 911 and says the guy in the apartment next door is setting off bombs, this might just be the one time there's no exaggeration involved (26)
(Colorado Springs Gazette)
  [Main] Microbrewery complains about not winning state beer medal. Beer reviewer points out they took third. Brewery says everyone in town is idiotic and they're leaving. Beer review says wellbye.gif (90)
(Tampa Bay Online)
  [Main] Shooting yourself in the face won't win the argument you're having with your wife. Oh, it will END the argument. But you still won't win (45)
(Mental Floss)
  [Geek] If, like me, you've been wondering if Napoleon Bonaparte is responsible for Nutella-related crimes skyrocketing worldwide, you're right. In related news, there's a worldwide Nutella-related crime problem (18)
  [Geek] John Cleese is too important to write notes to people like you. Please remember that he is very, very, very, very, very, VERY important. Here is a photograph of him to remind you of how important he is (31)
(CBS San Francisco)
  [Main] Jogging is good for your health and for the environment. Unless you jog in front of a bus, although since you stop consuming natural resources for good and the bus has to stop for a while, I guess it's still good for the environment (21)
(CBS4Denver - KCNC)
  [Politics] After passing an unenforceable law that can be easily and legally circumvented, Colorado Democrats are shocked to discover it is not being enforced and is being easily and legally circumvented (364)
(Death and Taxes Magazine)
  [Video] Watch this stampede of idiots endlessly running into a spinning metal thing. Because why not? (49)
(Huffington Post)
  [Entertainment] Definitive proof that Steve Jobs was Batman (17)
  [Main] Attacker tries to grab Hit Girl in a park, suffers a severe case of Acute Failure of the Victim Selection Process (76)
  [Main] An Australian wonders why Americans are so damned happy all the time. Surprisingly, "Because our ecosystem doesn't consist of nothing but deadly murderous insects, snakes and sea creatures" is not the answer (115)
  [Entertainment] Now that Dusty Hill's got legs and he knows how to use them again, ZZ Top and Jeff Beck announce a new tour titled Shut Up and Take My Money (60)
  [Video] Are you a sitzpinkler? If so you are Destroying America, you godless heathen. Don't laugh–it's the in the Bible (mildly Not safe for work) (37)
  [Entertainment] Cracked predicts what your favorite celebrities will be doing 20 years from now. The best one is No. -4,600. I mean, No. 12 (47)
(PC Gamer)
  [Geek] Hi, I'm Clippy. It looks like you're trying to dig a mine (117)
(New York Daily News)
  [Main] Man-eating leopard targets drunks walking home; has killed 12 so far. "I'm sure you won't taste any better because you've consumed liquor," says an expert. Well, yeah — that's why they're called beer GOGGLES, not seasoning (66)
  [Geek] New Tivo Mega has 24TB of storage. That's 26,000 hours – nearly three years – of nonstop TV shows, or almost half the average Farker's porn collection (38)
  [Video] If you advertise your vacuum cleaner by vacuuming a subway platform and then eating from it, the resulting disgust might overshadow your vacuum cleaner (14)
  [Geek] Superman and Lois Lane take the ALS Ice Bucket Ch — look, could we just put a shark in the bucket and have Henry Winkler jump over it on waterskis, please? (74)
(International Business Times)
  [Politics] The National Security Council and FBI have both gone on record saying they believe the video of James Foley's execution is real. Of course, that's just what they would want us to think (sfw) (72)
  [Entertainment] Jennifer Aniston says she can't leave her house due to cyberbullying. Gene Leonhardt announces he will backtrace them there bastards (60)
  [Main] Media honors Robin Williams' family's request for privacy by airing live aerials of his home (58)
(Business Insider)
  [Politics] Huge cash-only transactions; mules and private couriers; no names; hiding from government scrutiny: Inside the world of illicit drugs. Lethal injection drugs, that is (82)
(Some Guy)
  [Entertainment] 50 Shades Generator (very Not safe for work): "The ectoplasm was oozing down my chin and onto my top bollocks. It was bliss having his mutton dagger probed inside me again; stuffing myself with a lightbulb just didn't get my stench trench gushing anymore" (41)
  [Entertainment] "50 Sheds of Grey." "'Get down on your hands and knees,' she ordered, 'and I'll take you places you've never been.' It was the strictest GPS ever." "'Smack the bottom hard,' she cried. 'I am,' I said, 'but the ketchup still won't come out'" (19)
(Kill Some Time)
  [Video] Here's a compilation of newcasters passing out on live TV, as opposed to their viewers slipping into comas (29)
(The Verge)
  [Entertainment] Well, here's the first trailer for "Mad Max: Fury Road" — the latest remake no one asked for and… actually, this looks pretty good (96)
  [Entertainment] Cast of "Napoleon Dynamite" reunites for 10th anniversary. In related news, Tina the llama is stillll allive (55)
(IFL Science)
  [Geek] How is hexagons formed? (17)
  [Main] Pouty husband sends his wife a spreadsheet detailing her failures in bed. It's a tough cell, but there's no accounting for taste. He just wants her to excel, not dropdown the mood. Maybe they should just sit down and have a chart. I mean, a chat (229)
  [Geek] "In 1893, 2.5 million pounds of horse manure filled NYC streets per day." Today they're filled with crack pipes, urine and used condoms. PROGRESS (20)
(NBC Washington)
  [Main] Using a series of almost indecipherable pictographs, Ikea tells a guy they have a no-weapons policy and he'll have to leave his gun outside. Oh, did we mention the guy was a local chief of police and he was in uniform? (172)
  [Video] Almost any guitarist can play "Wipeout." Only Steve Vai can do it with a horn section and a break into "Flight of the Bumblebee" played so fast it will set your speaker on fire (41)
  [Main] Some pipsqueak British politician says discriminating based on height is as bad as racism or homophobia. Well, men of his stature ARE in … short supply (168)
  [Video] Warning: Listening to Marvin Gaye's version of the national anthem will make you want to get it on with a flag (6)
  [Main] Introducing the Gay Pride Whopper, featuring a fabulous new multicolored rainbow wrapper and the same old monochromatic greasy taste (113)
(Miami Herald)
  [Entertainment] This just in: Gordon Lightfoot can finally stop wincing when he gets to the line about a main hatchway caving in when he sings "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" (113)
(KOAM TV Joplin)
  [Main] Gun show organizers at a loss to explain how a Howitzer shell hit a house three miles away in a different direction from where it was fired (111)
  [Geek] For $2,000 a plate you can eat at the world's most expensive restaurant, featuring "molecular gastronomy" and a hi-tech light show. Or you could drop about $30 on a couple tabs of acid and some Ding-Dongs, if these photos are accurate (36)
  [Geek] The Navy tests a new weapon that can fire a projectile 126 miles. Did I mention it's an unpowered solid projectile traveling at 5,600mph, or Mach 7? With video awesomeness (180)
  [Geek] "Why Californians Will Soon Be Drinking Their Own Pee." Surprisingly, "because most of the good microbreweries have already moved east" is not the answer (30)
(The New York Times)
  [Main] As militants advance, the US prepares to evacuate Saigon. I mean, Baghdad (240)
  [Video] Guy straps on a GoPro and jumps off a cliff into the ocean. Since it's Australia, though, that's not deadly enough, so he lands right next to a Great White Shark (Not safe for work language) (62)
(National Journal)
  [Politics] Democracy has utterly failed to change the weather, so it's time for Obama to turn into the dictator Rush Limbaugh says he is (75)
  [Video] "You'd better come down to the station. Your son is DEAD." "Dead? How?" "He died of an overdose." Almost as much fun as "I learned it from YOU," and it hit #23 back in 1971 (20)
(Huffington Post)
  [Main] Today's everyday, innocuous item that will KILL YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE: Lemon slices in your water (145)
(Mental Floss)
  [Geek] The stories behind 10 ghastly album covers you've seen and shuddered at. "Heino, my son, you are beautiful and angular and you make my uterus implode with affection" (30)
(The New York Times)
  [Main] Success story: Cuban immigrant receives US citizenship. Fark: 50 years after he immigrated, served in the US military, held two state and two federal jobs and voted in every election since 1976 (151)
  [Main] Awesome: Last week was the first time an amputee, a Pakistani woman and a Saudi Arabian woman scaled Mount Everest. Don't Wanna Live on This Planet Anymore: Also the first time someone did the Harlem Shake on the summit (61)
(Norwich Bulletin)
  [Main] "Killingly man accused of killing wife." The kill was most killish in a most killingly way (27)
  [Main] President Obama wants you to know he's got everything you need right here in his pants (31)
(The Blaze)
  [Main] The Blaze is shocked — SHOCKED — that the 9/11 memorial has a gift shop, because people died there. After all, we don't have gift shops near Gettysburg or Niagara Falls or any other place where people died (141)
  [Video] If you give a moose a muffin, he's going to want your swimming pool (8)
  [Geek] "Toronto Zoo Crosses Fingers for a Baby Panda." I'm no expert, but I don't think crossing fingers is a reliable method for getting pregnant (9)
(The Blaze)
  [Main] Father at school board meeting: "I'm not sure this book is appropriate for my daughter to read." School board: "That's interesting, because we're sure you're under arrest for having an opinion about it" (368)
(The New York Times)
  [Politics] Look at those gun owners openly displaying their weapons. I mean, yeah; it's technically legal. It's their right and I don't care what they do behind closed doors but do they have to flaunt it in our faces? It's indecent (352)
(The New York Times)
  [Politics] "If stock prices rise, we should tax shareholders for their increased wealth, just like capital gains." What if stock prices fall — do we offer tax breaks or incentives for lost income? "THAT'S CRAZY TALK" (222)
(USA Today)
  [Main] "NJ family sues over under God." Hmm — preposition trouble. Apparently they don't to be dictated to from about down out of above or something (149) (+6)
(Colorado Springs Gazette)
  [Entertainment] Having picked on enough grandmothers and little kids, the music industry is now suing bars for $21,000 for letting drunk soldiers sing Toby Keith songs (60)
  [Geek] Here's how long that Portland kid would have had to urinate in the city reservoir before making it unsafe to drink (66)
  [Politics] I'll see your crazy ex-sheriff who says the Bundy ranch incident was all about Rosa Parks and Nazis, and raise you a stupid columnist who says it's all about racism and Obama and Fox News (280)
  [Main] Here's a list of eight beers you should never drink, because they're full of deadly chemicals such as organic sugars, stuff made from edible plants and natural flavoring. That's right: Natural flavors will kill you (246)
(Western Journalism)
  [Main] Spokane coffee shop offers a new drink named Acute Failure of the Victim Selection Process (54)
(Rolling Stone)
  [Entertainment] Whichever members of Fleetwood Mac are speaking to each other this month are planning a reunion tour (49)
  [Video] ♫ Baby baby it BOING looks like BOING it's gonna hail ♫ BOUNCE BOUNCE ♫ Baby baby SPROING it looks like WHEEEEE it's gonna hail ♫ Ya better come SPROING inside lemme teach ya how ta jive an' WOOOOOOO wail ♫ (10)
  [Politics] Old and busted: Teaching what it says in the Constitution. New hotness: Teaching what you think it SHOULD say in the Constitution if the guys who wrote it had been properly enlightened (116)
(Good Reads)
  [Main] "Love isn't a state of perfect caring. 'Love' is an active noun, like 'struggle.' To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now." Happy birthday, Fred Rogers (77)
  [Video] Superman with a Go-Pro (22)
(The Meta Picture)
  [Main] Girl with Down Syndrome says on Facebook that she wants to be a clothing model for Wet Seal. Wet Seal challenges her to get 10,000 likes. She raises eleventy bazillion likes and a lot of dust. Tag is for girl AND Wet Seal (128)
  [Entertainment] Wayne Knight responds to false story about his death: "Does someone have to DIE to trend? Geez." Stay classy, Newman (42)
  [Entertainment] Goodbye, Newman (or not) (155)
(SourceFed News)
  [Video] BC Horror Challenge winner. Less than three minutes long. You'll never turn off your lights again (39)
(Denver Channel)
  [Main] What could be worse than finding a couple of mutilated lizard parts in your salad? How about finding a couple of mutilated lizard parts in your salad after you've already eaten part of it? (includes helpful NSFL photo) (36)
  [Video] ♫ Hello ♫ Dolly ♫ Well hello ♫ Dolly ♫ It's so nice to VAPORIZE YOUR EYES AND SUCK OUT YOUR DELICIOUS IMMORTAL SOUL ♫ (13)
  [Geek] Rats not only love being tickled but they actually giggle while it's happening. Surprisingly, none of this is a euphemism (15)
  [Main] Theme: Surely you can't be serious (23)
  [Main] While dolphins are incredibly clever, they lack the necessary thumbs for beer pong (25)
  [Main] Student who set himself on fire in high school cafeteria was taken to hospital with "unknown injuries." I'm no doctor, but I'm gonna guess burns (52)
(Daily Mail)
  [Main] Apparently an unlicensed sex and murder dungeon is punishable by death in China. Huh. Who knew? Includes helpful photos of shocked neighbors pointing at things (80)
(Colorado Springs Gazette)
  [Main] Manitou Springs, CO, is debating on whether to allow recreational marijuana sales. If you've never been there, try to imagine people in San Francisco debating whether they should allow gay bars (81)
(Chicago Trib)
  [Main] This week's school shooting is sponsored by the City of Brotherly Love (98)
  [Main] Fat-shaming fit mom is upset about being blocked on Facebook after WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY THE FARK I'M SUPPOSED TO CARE? (253)
(Fox News)
  [Entertainment] Justin Bieber could be deported. And people say the justice system is broken (86)
(Viral Nova)
  [Main] There was an old woman who lived in a shoe / So when she died they buried her in it (19)
  [Main] Today's smart shopper tip: Cut your kids' hair yourself and save money. Or if you want to save both money and time, send your kid to a school where the school counselor will shave your kid's head without your permission (92)
(The Atlantic)
  [Main] Photoshop Theme: Not a toy (LGT inspiration) (12)
  [Video] Meet the Pygmy Jerboa: Weighing in at 3.2 grams, it's the world's smallest rodent with soul-eating eyes that SWEET ERUCTATING CTHULHU ON A PIMPED-OUT POGO STICK (46)
  [Main] "Man has cockroach pulled from ear because he didn't want it in there." Unlike most people, who enjoy daily aural cockroach insertions (0)
  [Video] 100 years of fashion in 100 seconds (9)
  [Main] Let CVS help you "keep it sweet" for Valentine's Day with our fine assortment of flowers, male enhancers, chocolates, Trojans, cupcakes, KY Jelly, crystal vases, handcuffs, pictures frames — you know, the classics (63)
  [Main] Woman sues realtor, saying the realty office should have warned her about her neighbor. Humph — typical stupid nuisance lawsuit. (reads article) Okay, the realtor and the lady's neighbor both need a nice hot cup of DIAF (111)