2017 Greenlights

(Bearing Arms)
  [Main] A new study shows 3 million civilians in the US carry a gun with them every day; 9 million at least once a month. As we've been told over and over and over, this is why hundreds of thousands of people get shot every day
  [Entertainment] "Darkest Hour" studio added a warning that they depict Winston Churchill smoking cigars for "artistic consideration" because Smoking Is Very Very Bad. Churchill's royal biographer shot down when he suggested they add that Churchill lived to be 90
  [Entertainment] First trailer for "Chappaquiddick." Spoiler: The girl drowns
(The Week)
  [Politics] Support for the GOP's tax bill rises as more people get sick of hearing Democrats' hysterical caterwauling about it being the end of the world
(The New York Times)
  [Politics] The New York Times says Trump just won the war against the Islamic State, but the media is so invested in hating Trump they won't report it, and DOGS AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER, MASS HYSTERIA
  [Entertainment] Here's the story of a cute little girl who made Satan get a job as a vegan barista even though it made him vomit explosively. Bonus: Narrated by Patrick Stewart (some mildly nsfw language)
  [Politics] Rosie O'Donnell wants you to know that Sarah Sanders is a "f**king pie-baking lying sack of sh*t." Pie baking? Man, that's low
  [Geek] " 'The Last Jedi Is a Hit, But Did Audiences Like It?' " Sure would be embarrassing if it was a hit but no one liked it
  [Main] Nevada wants a quick review of the execution drugs scheduled to be used on death row inmate–seems they're about to expire. Maybe we could test it on some hipsters; they love old stuff
(USA Today)
  [Entertainment] "Last Jedi" spoilers: Smart idea to do the whole movie as a rap; Charlie Sheen nails it; a startling amount of nudity; Adam Driver's love ballad didn't work; the Mickey Mouse cameo just didn't work; loved Smashmouth's "Rock Star" during the credits
(The Register)
  [Main] Three years after threatening to press charges against an engineer for doing math without a license, the Oregon State Board of Examiners for Engineering and Land Surveying finally has the good sense to be embarrassed and drop the whole thing
  [Main] Better sit down for this: NBC might– Actually, put your head between your knees. NBC– Better breathe into this bag. Ready? NBC might have quashed its own story about Weinstein because they were afraid it would eventually expose Matt Lauer
(Florida Today)
  [Main] Attempted mass shooter suffers a severe case of Acute Failure of the Victim Selection Process
(Bored Panda)
  [Geek] Tree kangaroos are too adorablBDAAAAAAWWWWWWWW
  [Main] "Manus Island: PNG police move into detention centre and tell refugees to leave." No worries, they'll be done in a GIF
  [Politics] So it's like this: Conservatives know liberals are stupid and vicious, so they set Al Franken up, knowing liberals would be too stupid to just let it go and pretend it never happened the way they should have. Those bastards
(Some Guy)
  [Main] The Prescott Valley AZ police department is asking for your help in locating a Glock 19 9mm handgun, serial number YHC 944. It's not evidence in a crime or anything like that; it's just that the chief of police left it in a public bathroom
  [Geek] "The Nine Circles of Linguistic Transgression Hell." Ducking auto cat rectal
  [Politics] Dear BBC: If you need an anti-Trump Tweet to quote, you have millions to choose from. It might not hurt to be a bit more choosy
(Bearing Arms)
  [Main] Having learned their lesson with the chainsaw bayonet, the media are a lot more careful with this special report that shows how a single shot from an AR-15 can explode a watermelon as long as the AR-15 is a 12-gauge shotgun
  [Geek] This mushroom has 20,000 different genders and can mate with any other species. Sounds like a fungi
(Bearing Arms)
  [Main] It is perfectly legal to draw your concealed handgun in a self-defense situation; however, failure to produce a steak bagel is not one of them
(Fox News)
  [Main] MSNBC is upset that Trump didn't call for the death penalty of the Vegas shooter. Who is already dead
(Riverfront Times)
  [Main] Serial washing machine pooper is terrorizing SIU campus. Includes helpful artist's rendering of the pooper in action (SFW)
(Huffington Post)
  [Politics] Hillary really tried to skip Trump's inauguration, but Laura Bush and Michelle Obama were both going so she really had to, because apparently everyone involved is still in middle school
  [Politics] Retired Marine and gun shop owner: "What new legislation would you propose that could have stopped the Vegas shooter?" Nancy Pelosi: "Background checks." Gun shop owner: "You mean the FBI background checks he passed for every single one of his weapons?"
(Bored Panda)
  [Main] Gas station attendant asks customer not to smoke while fueling his car. Customer refuses. Gas station attendant regretfully says he really must insist
(Washington Post)
  [Main] "Part of it, I think, is that it just feels good to let out a great meow"
  [Geek] "Postal Apocalypse: What Happens When 'Justice League' Bombs?" Oops–I mean, "if." IF "Justice League" Bombs (53)
(The Hill)
  [Politics] Hillary's new book is getting rave reviews from Democrats: "I wish she'd shut the f**k up and go away" (395)
(The Hill)
  [Main] Trump and Melania go to church. Where did she get that DRESS? It's awful. And those shoes and that coat– JEEEZ (148)
  [Main] Photoshop Theme: This year's new pumpkin spice-infused abominations (33)
  [Entertainment] Sean Connery turnsh eighty-sheven (31)
  [Geek] Science explains why cats knock things over: "We're not sure, but it's probably just because they're assholes." Thank you science (12) (+2)
  [Entertainment] "Birth of the Dragon" premiers this week, but "Enter the Dragon" is still the best martial arts movie ever made (3)
  [Entertainment] Star Wars, Full Metal Hope: Starring R. Lee Ermey as Darth Vader. (Not safe for work language–duh) (18)
  [Main] Two guys try to punch a bear trap and then pull their hands out before it can snap shut. One of them is successful (94)
(The New York Times)
  [Main] Not news: President ratchets up the rhetoric, saying the US would "overwhelmingly retaliate" against North Korea and "end their country as they know it." News: President Bill Clinton back in 1993 (139)
(Washington Post)
  [Main] Walmart says someone took the back-to-school sign off some superhero-themed school supplies and moved it to the gun department, is asking for information on the Farker reponsible (46)
(The Atlantic)
  [Politics] "Hillary wants to preach." Submitter wants to care (240)
  [Main] France to offer fresh oysters for sale via vending machines. And you thought gas station sushi was a bad idea (34)
(Bearing Arms)
  [Main] Brave Texas professor protests Texas' campus-carry laws by wearing a bulletproof vest and Army helmet to class (264)
  [Politics] Lena Dunham, millionaire scourge of working women (110)
  [Entertainment] ♬ I love large saplings that is the truth ♬ A few of your siblings were here ♬ That woman showed up and has small hips ♬ With a sleeve around your head ♬ You stole seeds, wanna carry till hard ♬ In cloth she was deeper in debt ♬ (5)
(Fox 21 News)
  [Politics] Having run out of things to be upset about, protesters are angry about a wooden bench in front of Colorado Springs city hall (44)
  [Politics] This transgender writer is very angry about Trump's military transgender ban. But you're not allowed to be angry. No, not you either. Especially not YOU (381)
(ABC 15)
  [Main] Tucson brewery is going to create a beer made with recycled sewage. No word on a name yet; submitter thinks they should call it Number Tucson (63)
(Opposing Views)
  [Main] British police post photo of attractive young officer. Sexist comments have gotten so bad they've upgraded their official response from "Oh, I say" to "Wot's all this then?" (104)
  [Geek] Forget Trump's Russia collusion; the scandal to watch is the ongoing Great Truck-Nut Price Fixing War of 2009 (20)
(Mother Jones)
  [Main] Parents of Aurora Theater shooting victim sue ammo merchant. They were warned they would lose and end up paying the plaintiff's legal bills, but they sued anyway. Now they're bankrupt. Sad tag still applies because no one really wins (303)
  [Politics] Oh no. 88 percent of the people in the Netherlands disapprove of a border wall between Mexico and the US. This. Changes. Everything (48)
(Fox News)
  [Main] Darwin: 7. People who ignored multiple flash flood warnings and went swimming anyway: 0 (140)
  [Main] Memphis woman complains her doctor keeps calling her Aunt Jemima. Was that wrong? Should he not have done that? (158)
(Denver Post)
  [Main] Llama rescued by Llovelland Search & Rescue, but his brother Bravado is stillll on the llam. Poor llittlle llllama, allll llost and allone (32)
(ABC 15)
  [Main] Man dies after bee attack in Congress. Paul Ryan heard screaming "NOT THE BEES" (42)
  [Geek] Yes, yes; we know the Apollo Moon landings were fake. But what you didn't know is that they hired Stanley Kubrick to film the fake landings and he insisted on filming on location for realism (29)
(The Hill)
  [Politics] Democrats roll out a new slogan for 2018: "Have you seen the other guys?" C'mon, Fark–we can do MUCH better than that (206)
(The Blaze)
  [Main] CNN is apparently to compete with United for bad public relations: Now they've been caught editing video to make it look like Poland's first lady snubbed Trump when in fact she didn't (377)
(Miami New Times)
  [Main] Online study says Olathe, KS, is a better beach town than Miami Beach and Florida is not amused. Sorry Florida, but it's an online study. It's official (38)
(FB Photos)
  [Main] What is this bear saying? (87)
(National Review)
  [Politics] "National unity depends on a certain degree of tolerance for dissent, disagreement, and political diversity." That's why it's so stupid for Texas to talk about secession. California is a different matter (94)
  [Main] Colorado schools offer firearms training to teachers in case of school shootings. To keep things safe, they're apparently issuing Glocks with no magazines (see first photo) (92)
(Hot Air)
  [Politics] CNN sacks up, apologizes, promises to sack whoever was supposed to sack someone over their bad Russia story. Goes back to searching for Flight MH370 (54)
  [Geek] Geekgasm time: Enjoy this interactive map of all the New York City locations from all the Spider-Man movies (3)
(Fox News)
  [Politics] Cheer up, Hillary supporters: She's just as popular now as she was right after the election (51)
  [Geek] If your pet snake swallows your favorite barbecue tongs, let them go, man. Unless you know how to massage your snake to make him cough them back up, of course (10)
  [Politics] Sen. Al Franken has to remind other Dems that if they impeach Trump, it still won't make Hillary president (237)
(The New York Times)
  [Politics] NY Times explains that Gabrielle Giffords was shot due to the crosshairs on Sarah Palin's campaign map, but no one incited the Scalise shooting yesterday. No one at all. Kathy Griffin spotted weeping quietly in unemployment office (102)
(The Daily Caller)
  [Main] WapPo columnist keeps things classy by hoping Scalise dies in surgery (234)
(The Blaze)
  [Politics] Shockingly, the whole Russia mess and Comey hearing turned out to be a wet firecracker. Time to look for another surefire, can't-miss way to destroy Trump, Dems (159)
(Huffington Post UK)
  [Entertainment] Gal Gadot "has done nothing to avoid controversy" by posting a prayer for peace in Israel on Facebook. Because playing Wonder Woman means she's obligated to be pro-Hamas, I guess (64)
(The Daily Banter)
  [Politics] "Forget the 2016 election–Hillary more recently trolled Trump with the single greatest Tweet in Internet history." Hmmm. "Greatest Tweet in Internet history" isn't much of an accomplishment (164)
  [Main] Was Kathy Griffin shot and killed trying to escape custody? No; she was just tagged and released (117)
(KMOV St. Louis)
  [Main] If you're arguing with your friend in the car while you're on the highway and you're surprised when he gets mad and throws your heroin out the window, don't be surprised if he goes back to get it and gets himself run over (16)
(Live Science)
  [Geek] Post-op care for your C-section: 1. Keep your incision clean and dry. 2. Avoid lifting any weight until cleared by your doctor. 3. Chew gum until it makes you fart. 4. Take all medications as pre–wait a minute; back up one (12)
Video [Geek] The dangerous business of BDSM abductions, aka how to spend a lovely weekend with a dominatrix whether you like it or not (24)
  [Main] Woman stopped trying to bring a live monkey into court in her purse. Includes helpful photo of an x-ray view of a monkey in a purse (89)
(PJ Media)
  [Main] Got wood paneling? Sorry; you're a racist oppressor (289)
  [Politics] Sen. Cory Gardner called Kim Jong-un a "whack job." Kim Jong-un replies that Gardner is "human dirt" who has "lost basic judgment and body hair." Time to dust off the "Yo Mama" jokes (17)
(FB Photos)
  [Main] Photoshop this friendly visitor (26)
  [Main] "Congratulations–it's a boy." "Hi Mom. Here's your IUD" (58)
(Oregon Live)
  [Main] Odd Fellows Lodge tells teen who won a trip he can't go because he's autistic and they're out of underwear from K-Mart (106)
(KWCH Wichita)
  [Main] Jimmy Johns employee is remarkably calm during armed robbery. Might be because the idiot with the gun has the slide locked open so it can't fire (112)
  [Politics] Ted Cruz wants the US to use the $14 billion seized from El Chapo to pay for Trump's wall. That's… that might actually work (142)
(Some Imaginary Guy)
  [Politics] Imaginary tribunal convicts Monsanto of imaginary war crimes, including "ecocide" and "scary chemical names" (211)
  [Geek] Professional Smart People at Oxford announce that if you're shy or introverted, you're a racist. Remember: They are professors. They are smarter than you (256)
(The Atlantic)
  [Politics] Why don't conservatives trust the mainstream media? Could it be because they're all being characterized as "trailer-park, Oxy-snorting half-wits who divide their time between retweeting Alex Jones fantasies and ironing their Klan hoods"? Naaaaah (175)
  [Geek] First they came for Pluto, but I said nothing (57)
  [Entertainment] 19 questions I'd like to ask the Little Mermaid (29) (+1)
  [Geek] Facebook Messenger will stop supporting Windows Phone 8.1 next week, potentially inconveniencing as many as 25 users (30)
  [Main] India declares the River Ganges is now legally a human being; they insist it's not because all the garbage and pollution has caused it to mutate and become self-aware (60)
  [Geek] Today is Alien Abduction day. Celebrate responsibly but be sure to protect your probing orifices (28)
  [Geek] Ever wondered why you seem to remember your old scratchy LPs sounding better than the nice new digital remasters you replaced them with? You're not imagining things (94)
  [Geek] Texas grade school has an insane idea for fighting ADHD: Give kids recess instead of drugs. Shockingly, it works (36)
(Some Guy)
  [Politics] Health care in Britain is awesome: If you need mental health treatment, for instance, all you have to do is visit a local Department of Work and Pensions office and answer a few simple questions, such as "Why haven't you killed yourself yet?" (142)
(Colorado Springs Gazette)
  [Main] Hey Rocky: Watch me win this snowboard race. Nuthin' up my sleeve–PRESTO (44)
(Reason Magazine)
  [Politics] Berkeley: "Hey, let's put 20,000 or so video lectures online for free public use." Your government hard at work: "Take 'em down; they aren't close-captioned" (149)
  [Main] ♬ We are the champiYOOOWWWWWWWns ♬ My friend ♬ And we'll keep on fOOOOOOYOOOOOWWWWighting 'til the end ♬ (49)
  [Entertainment] The Who has had ten "farewell" tours since 1982. Their fans are starting to wonder if maybe they don't mean it (63)
  [Entertainment] Grab your chimichangas with maximum effort: The Deadpool 2 teaser has arrived (45)
(The Hill)
  [Politics] It's time to enjoy one of the Democratic Party's most hallowed traditions: Blaming the youth vote for their latest election loss and announcing a foolproof, can't-miss plan to get them to tear themselves away from Snapchat so they'll win the next one (147)
(KSLA Shreveport)
  [Main] You know what would happen if you were dumb enough to try some Dukes of Hazzard driving in real life? Something like this (95)
  [Geek] A $595 leather Boba Fett bowler hat? It's about damn time (52)
  [Main] 5. Take your truck for a bumpy ride with lots of violent turns and slamming on the brakes. 4. Close and lock the back door. 3. Wait until someone gets in to steal your stuff. 2. Load boxes of manure in a U-Haul. 1. Mount a camera inside the truck (65)
  [Main] 1. Get thrown in GitMo. 2. Sue. 3. Profit. 4. Join ISIS; get killed in a suicide bombing raid. It's the ciiiiiircle of liiiiiiiiife (72)
  [Entertainment] Joe Cocker remains the only artist who ever performed a Beatles songs better than The Beatles themselves did (108)
(Huffington Post)
  [Politics] The media complains about how the president keeps booting them out of press conferences and other events. This won't go green since it's old news. Old as in we're talking about President Obama (174)
  [Entertainment] We're trying to get excited at the thought of not Pamela Anderson, but rather Dwayne Johnson, jogging down the beach with his massive pecs bobbing along in slo-mo. We're failing miserably (35)
(Fox 31 Denver)
  [Main] Free, sitting at curb: Living room chair. Molded into the shape of the 550–pound woman who sat in it for nine months without moving. Needs a little cleaning; HazMat suits recommended when you pick up (173)
(MMA Fighting)
  [Sports] In video games you score points when you taunt your opponent and showboat. In MMA you get a foot to the face along with a short nap, and then you lose the fight (30)
(Toronto Star)
  [Main] It's illegal to tow a couch through a McDonald's drive-thru with an ATV, much less to do it intoxicated while running from police and crossing a frozen river. But all parties involved were wearing helmets, so police aren't sure what to charge them with (71)
  [Geek] "TGIFridays guilty of salt assault." Hey, they say "Thank God" in their name, don't they? It's a taberNaCl (44)
(The Week)
  [Politics] First sentence: "I like to think I'm a little less prone to panic than some of my liberal brethren." Remainder of article: "Trump is going to fake a terrorist attack so he can take over the world just like Hitler. EVERYBODY PANIC" (88)
(KMOV St. Louis)
  [Politics] Sixth grader wears MAGA hat on school bus. Sixth grader gets attacked. Sixth grader defends himself. Guess who gets suspended (235)
  [Entertainment] Darth Vader vs. Buzz Lightyear: Who Wins? You do because you get to watch this live-action video (11)
(Al Jazeera)
  [Main] Some taxi drivers are refusing to go to JFK airport due to Trump's Muslim ban, so Uber drivers are going there instead, so some people are deleting Uber. This is Very Bad for some reason and is A Harbinger Of Doom. DOOM, I say (170)
(Dangerous Minds)
  [Entertainment] How would you go about redeeming Jagger and Bowie's "Dancing in the Streets," one of the worst music videos ever made? Why not redo it with Legos? (44)
  [Politics] The Bad Lip Reading guys take on the Inauguration: "Repeat after me: I make grease pellets in my sweat" (34)
  [Entertainment] "Hey Burt: Remember that time we rented a helicopter and dumped two huge netloads of horse crap all over The National Enquirer's Christmas tree?" "Yeah; good times, good times" (5)
  [Politics] No, Trump-haters; Trump didn't plagiarize his speech from "Bee Movie." Or from "Avatar." Or from anything by Monty Python, although I'm sure we'd all like this administration to stop being so silly (59)
(Some Guy)
  [Main] Guy starts a Change.org petition saying Cracker Barrel's name is racist and should be changed to "Caucasian Barrel," thinking no one could possibly take it seriously. If you can guess what happened next, your Fark Fu is strong (236)
  [Entertainment] The making of Blazing Saddles. Bonus outtakes of Mongo trying to fight a coin-operated sheriff (60)
(KKTV Colorado Springs)
  [Main] El Paso County Courthouse in Colorado evacuated because it's, um, blowing away (24)
(Some Guy)
  [Main] Elderly woman eats a couple of pounds of sand every day. H.I. McDunnough's cellmate being sought for questioning (43)
  [Main] Explain your favorite movie very badly. "Some dude loves Rita Hayworth and there's this guy who murdered someone. They're like, BFFs in prison, and platonic BFFs at that. So the Rita loving dude chisels this wall in his cell forEVERS and heads south" (2459)
  [FarkUs] What did the Boy Scout say after he fixed the little old lady's car horn? "Beep repaired." Thank you — I'm here all week. Tip your server (14)
  [Geek] Star Wars, which you've seen before. Except this version speeds up every time someone fires a laser (38)