2015 Greenlights

  [Video] Just another day in Portland: Rain; good coffee and beer; Kylo Ren riding BB-8 down the street while playing a flaming bagpipe (14)
  [Main] Delicious chain restaurants and why you should never eat at them. For instance, you should never get pizza at Papa John's because the founder is Batman. Wait, what? (168)
(Some Guy)
  [Politics] Virginia AG and governor dump away the state's concealed-carry reciprocity. Virginia senate responds by removing their armed bodyguards from the state budget. Hey, if they don't like guns they don't get any (519)
  [Geek] Sorry, Virginia: There is no Santa, reindeer can't fly, and besides their noses are so vascular if Rudolph's nose was really that red he would have died very quickly from hypothermia (18)
(KCTV5 Kansas City)
  [Main] This sort of thing would never happen if we would just pass some reasonable pool cue-control laws (49)
(Some Guy)
  [Main] The Virginia state legislature is off for the holidays, so the Attorney General thoughtfully rescinds his state's concealed-carry reciprocity agreements with 31 other states without bothering them (360)
(Huffington Post)
  [Video] Dude, if you pinch her butt and she turns around and hits you so hard she knocks you unconscious for two hours, let her go man, 'cause she's gone (44)
(Scientific American)
  [Geek] Physicists find a new "wiggly" particle that weighs 750 giga-electron volts and is a heavier cousin of the Higgs boson. That's 213 fluid octane-carats per hogshead cubit-hectares at sea level, if you don't know the metric system (44)
(Some Guy)
  [Geek] Cards Against Humanity did an invasive and unethical survey of 150,000 of their customers and discovered a number of rather interesting facts about penis size and presidential candidate choices. This may require some deeper, more penetrating analysis (51)
  [Main] How not to humblebrag: "My dad killed 20 people at a McDonald's" (86)
  [Entertainment] If you're in a hurry to binge-watch all the Star Wars movies again before Force Awakens comes out Friday, click here and you can watch all six at the same time. No, not in a row–at the same time (50)
(Huffington Post)
  [Main] Christian blogger shares photos of his favorite weird nativity scenes. He was conflicted about including the one made out of tampons, but the one with baby Jesus drowning in a snowglobe and the one made of Spam dildos were just fine (38)
(Boing Boing)
  [Main] Enjoy the High Holy Days with the new Bong Menorah. Shalom, dude (56)
  [Video] iPhones are not made to handle being immersed in an active lava flow. Subby suggests an alternate title "How to beg for a battery to blow up in your face" (71)
  [Main] That awkward moment when the murder victim at the crime scene you're photographing turns out to be your estranged boyfriend and father of your child (53)
(Paste Magazine)
  [Main] In related news, "Want a drink from my meat straw?" is still a stupid pickup line (42)
  [Main] If you win $895 in the Melbourne Cup and post a selfie of yourself with your winning ticket, you shouldn't be surprised when someone on Facebook grabs the barcode and steals your prize. You probably WILL be surprised, but you shouldn't (86)
(WFMZ Allentown)
  [Main] If the best way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, how many good guys with guns does it take to stop three bad guys robbing a meat market when one starts shooting right away and one has a stun gun instead? Show your work (311)
(Washington Post)
  [Politics] Apparently Republicans hope to get Trump in office by proving the Empire was totally justified in destroying Alderaan. Or something (188)
(Austin News KXAN)
  [Main] This just in: If you put an infant in a wheeled box made of flimsy aluminum tubes and nylon fabric and tow it behind a bicycle down a street surrounded by cars and trucks, there is a slightly increased risk of injury (38)
(Some Guy)
  [Main] Pastor Sham Hungwe is in trouble for selling magic pens that let you pass exams without studying. Sham said his brother Scam came up with the idea, while his other brother Spam is in charge of marketing (56)
  [Entertainment] You thought Biff from "Back to the Future" was stupid, huh? Well, if he was stupid would he try to do standup comedy with a tuba? Look, why don't you just make like a tree, and get outta here? (24)
(Huffington Post)
  [Main] Meet a cute little dessert guy who poops and pukes when you eat him. His name is Gudetama, which I believe is Chinese for HORK (NSFL) (67)
(ABC Action News)
  [Entertainment] Three Dog Night's Cory Wells goes to heaven; says it's even better than Oklahoma. RIP (54)
  [Geek] Scientists discover bees love caffeine and will do a special "waggle dance" to lead other bees to it. I guess it gives them a nice (•_•) / ( •_•)⌐■-■ / (⌐■_■) buzz. YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH (18)
  [Video] This back-flipping hamster may be malfunctioning. In related news, Malfunctioning Hamster would be a great band name (23)
(LA Weekly)
  [Entertainment] Besides Bill Cosby, here are ten other Bad People whose stars should be removed from the Hollywood Walk of Fame, including Fatty Arbuckle and Absolut Vodka. Wait, what? (103)
(Mother Nature Network)
  [Main] If you were afraid Guinness was running out of world record categories, don't worry: We now have a world record for the most swords swallowed while hanging upside-down from a helicopter over Niagara Falls (31)
(Charleston Post and Courier)
  [Main] Customer at a Waffle House didn't see all those Facebook meme photos insisting good guys with guns can't stop bad guys with guns, shoots an armed robber. Still no cure for Waffle House (416)
  [Geek] "Superhero Vaginal Bacteria" traps HIV, would be a great name for a band (24)
(Huffington Post)
  [Main] Flatulent fatso furious for firing, fights former firm for flippant frustrating failure to forget fault-free farts, feces flare-ups. FFS (72)
  [Politics] This just in: Ben Carson stubbornly refuses to compare Obama to Hitler despite reporters repeatedly asking him if he wants to compare Obama to Hitler. More on this story as it develops (64)
(Yakima Herald Republic)
  [Main] "Pop quiz, hotshot: There are invisible Mexicans hiding in your trees. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?" "Shoot my balls off?" "Exactly" (60)
  [Politics] The media is breaking with tradition a bit and starting early on this year's annual panicgasm over The Government Is Going to Shut Down and OMG It's the End of the World As We Know It (116)
  [Video] Wait for it…. Wait for it again (54)
  [Main] If customers are going to complain politely about store employees and the store and employee involved are also totally polite and accommodating and everyone walks away happy, how are the poor tort lawyers supposed to survive? (61)
(Huffington Post)
  [Main] The guy who created the fake customer service Facebook page for Target strikes again with a trolltastic customer service page for Doritos rainbow chips complaints (11)
(Some Guy)
  [Main] Photoshop these valves (10)
(Huffington Post)
  [Main] Fancy restaurants with lots of different wines have a guy who helps you find the perfect wine for your palate and to match your dinner and so on. He's called a sommelier. Now we have water sommeliers. Because shut up and give me your money (118)
(IFL Science)
  [Geek] In related news, Sarcastic Fringeheads would be a great name for a band (7)
(Daily Mail)
  [Main] Turns out Alison Parker and Adam Ward were ultra racist: "We would say stuff like, 'The reporter's out in the field.' And he would look at us and say, 'What are you saying, cotton fields? That's racist'." Yeah, they totally had it coming (353)
(Some Guy)
  [Main] What could be more tasteless than an American dentist shooting a lion just for fun? Not sure, but a $100 Lion-Killer Dentist Halloween costume complete with a blood-spattered smock and lion head has got to be at least a close second (113)
  [Geek] You think food snobs are pedantic now? Imagine how they'd act with Star Trek food replicators (62)
(Kill Some Time)
  [Main] Photoshop Theme: An accident waiting to happen (36)
  [Geek] Jim Carrey is all for vaccines except he is against them because they're really dangerous and also beneficial, and they've saved millions of lives while destroying them and Big Pharma gives away millions of vaccinations because it's all about money (122)
(Tech Dirt)
  [Geek] HP: "We want to seal these already-heavily-censored documents." Judge: "Denied, for the following reasons: ███████ ███ ██████████████ ████████████████████." No, really (17)
(The New York Times)
  [Politics] Remember when conservatives screamed about Clinton spending $165 million on his presidential library, and then liberals screamed about Bush spending $500 million on his? (103)
(Colorado Springs Gazette)
  [Main] Colorado Springs woman arrested for "serial bear feeding," which sounds silly if you aren't one of her neighbors dodging the six bears who won't go away now (72)
  [Video] Remember Roosh V, the Pickup Artist Guy who says rape should be legal? He discovers the hard way even Canada has its limits on courtesy (Not safe for work language) (9)
(Rolling Stone)
  [Entertainment] Marilyn Manson, who is whiter than the Pillsbury Dough Boy, is playing a Native American hitman in an upcoming movie, which will also star Ving Rhames as Hulk Hogan and Queen Latifah as Larry Bird (60)
(NBC News)
NewsFlash [Main] Jury reaches a verdict on whether James Holmes will receive the death penalty. Come for the flame war about gun control, stay for the announcement at 7pm EDT (627)
(The Raw Story)
  [Main] White supremacist blows off his leg while making homemade bombs. In related news, local officials predict drop in curbstomping assaults (149)
  [Geek] Windows 10 is amazing. Windows 10 is glorious. Windows 10 will get you laid and help your mom find a real job. Windows 10 is spying on you so hard it makes the NSA look like a Peeping Tom with cataracts (171)
  [Video] ♫ This old man ♫ He played one ♫ Knocked this asshat on his bum ♫ With a knick-knack paddywack give a dog bone ♫ The other punks leave him alone ♫ (31)
(News On 6 Tulsa)
  [Main] ♫ OOOOOOOklahoma ♫ Where the man bicycling across the country gets killed by a woman texting behind the wheel ♫ (102)
(Huffington Post)
  [Main] Couple gets caught having sex in a phone booth; says they thought no one would notice. Where the hell did they find a phone booth? (with not safe for work pic) (91)
(Huffington Post)
  [Main] It's embarrassing, but when your child's friend shows up at your house for a play date with an old undetonated mortar, you're just going to have to call his mom and tattle on him (42)
  [Main] The Florida man arrested for raping an alligator was actually arrested for raping a child. And a peacock. So we're awfully sorry if you thought ill of him due to our error (41)
  [Video] Yeah; I play a little guitar (11)
  [Main] Harland Sanders was a foul-mouthed, violent, horny old coot, but he was a hard worker and gave most of his money away to the "Salvational Army" (176)
(Daily Express)
  [Geek] Total eclipse of Uranus as it faces a "Lunar Moonie" (15)
  [Entertainment] The Independent has discovered three entire Tweets pointing out that the abbreviation for an original Latin dinosaur name sounds vaguely like an obscure xenophobic British slang word. Therefore, Jurassic World is racist (94)
(Huffington Post)
  [Main] In keeping with its tradition of absolutely everything on the continent being lethal, Australia announces it has just invented…. carrot beer? (56)
  [Main] Man claims KFC served him a fried rat. Yeah, sure; whatevSWEET ERUCTATING CTHULHU ON A PIMPED OUT POGO STICK (93)
  [Geek] "Five debates that will outlast human society." No, your devastating argument, with or without charts, will not make a single one of them go away. Take it to the Politics tab (26)
  [Geek] And the latest thing you should be afraid of: Hackers could kill you while you're in the hospital by remotely changing the dose of your IV meds (24)
(The New York Times)
  [Politics] NYT discovers Marco Rubio has had — better sit down for this — four traffic tickets in the last 17 years. You just don't see fearless, hard-hitting investigative journalism like this very often anymore (119) (+18)
  [Video] You can try your hand at bullfighting. You can also try on a Batman costume. Or if you want, you can try pole vaulting. You probably should not, however, try more than one of these things at a time (20)
  [Main] I'm stuck to my bike. I'm so very scared. Help (not safe for work) (43)
  [Geek] "Six Things I Learned by Having My Penis Surgically Rem–"SWEET ERUCTATING CTHULHU ON A PIMPED-OUT POGO STICK (Some Not safe for work content) (63)
  [Main] Josh Dugger is "tormented by seamen" (84)
  [Main] Homeless man arrested for panhandling and urinating in public. Cops put his photo on Facebook along with helpful announcement that since he had $800 in cash on him he doesn't really need your money anymore, kthxbye (176)
  [Main] Woman arrested for biting off pit bull's testicles. Not sure who's the victim here. Also not sure if this mug shot is the woman or the pit bull (89)
  [Main] IS fighters complain about nepotism in their leaders' choice of suicide bombers. No, really. Really. Seriously. Look, stop laughing–that's really what it says here (72)
(New York Daily News)
  [Main] Last year a Cleveland man was found wandering on the highway, covered with blood and his penis missing, after someone attacked him with a knife. Now he's been found dead. Cleveland police say there's nothing suspicious about any of it (46)
  [Video] You know how Elizabeth Montgomery would wiggle her nose to do magic in "Bewitched"? Have you ever wanted to watch 10 straight minutes of that? Of course you have (0)
(WCVB Boston)
  [Main] If you've got enough gall to murder your wife and then deliver the eulogy at her funeral, don't plagiarize the eulogy. That's just tacky (29)
  [Geek] Autobahn driver snags a short video of the Chiron–the car that Bugatti will be releasing to succeed the Veyron. That sound you just heard was Jeremy Clarkson, James May, Richard Hammond and The Stig creaming their jeans (27)
(Bit of News)
  [Geek] Dark chocolate can improve your memory by up to 25%, but you'd have to eat at least seven bars a day. No word on whether there's a downside (24)
(Huffington Post)
  [Main] Mt. Kilauea park ranger orders man to stop flying his drone over the volcano. The man complies and starts to walk off. So the ranger tasers him. To keep him from jumping into the volcano, you see (123)
  [Main] New study announces poor people are all stupid. Well, not really. But that's what you're going to hear on Facebook before long (282)
(Reason Magazine)
  [Main] "Free-range" parents sue CPS, pointing out they have more reason to fear the government snatching their children off the street than they do bad guys in Free Candy vans (512)
(Pacific Standard Magazine)
  [Geek] "The Problem With Deploying Trigger Warnings:" The researchers and writers of this study say it's a ground-breaking, long-awaited look at trigger warnings in college syllabi. Everyone else, unfortunately, is afraid to read it (90)
  [Entertainment] Jaden Smith takes on gender-specific clothing by wearing female gender-specific clothing, in much the same way Fark takes on beer bingeing by drinking whiskey (85)
(DIY Photography)
  [Main] Visitors at the New Zealand Sea Life Aquarium can pay $2 to have a portrait taken–by Rambo, the aquarium's octopus. Suckers (39)
(Colorado Springs Gazette)
  [Main] If you've been wondering whether the Air Force Academy could get through a month without someone being sexually assaulted, the answer is no (51)
  [Geek] And a very joyous first Sunday during or after the first full Moon after the Vernal Equinox to you and yours as well (6)
  [Geek] Australia has a difficult relationship with rabbits, so they celebrate Easter with the Easter Bilby instead. Aw, how cute. **click** GAAH (37)
(Fox 31 Denver)
  [Main] Colorado House passes bill allowing transgender people to get new birth certificates (268)
  [Geek] Ever wondered what would happen if you stuck your head in a particle accelerator? Hint: No superpowers resulted, unless the ability to survive your brain slowly burning away over a period of years is a superpower (42)
  [Main] Ashton Kutcher demands more diaper-changing tables in men's restrooms (104)
(Addicting Info)
  [Politics] MoveOn.org wants to prosecute John Boehner for, uh — well, I'm not sure what. Disagreeing with Obama on something, it looks like (199)
(Hot Air)
  [Politics] How hard is it to fire a government employee? Depends on how big a deal it is for him to watch 2 to 6 hours of porn at work a day. I mean, that DOES leave a little time for some actual work (66)
  [Main] Theme: Adding Sriracha sauce to everything is getting out of hand (8)
  [Geek] If you give a tiger a partner, he'll fall in love. If his partner dies, he'll get depressed. If your tiger gets depressed, give him some mice to eat. If he makes friends with the mice instead, give the mice some muffins, I guess (17)
(Some Guy)
  [Video] Place your bets on how many water balloons it will take to stop a slug from a .44 Magnum. With video goodness, although you can skip the part at the end where he explains at length how water balloons stop the bullet because they're full of water (34)
(San Francisco Globe)
  [Main] Buying an older house can turn into a fascinating history lesson as you discover improvements and modifications made by previous owners. Such as realizing your walls are stuffed with dead animals wrapped in old newspapers for insulation (61)
(Chicks on the Right)
  [Video] As you watch this video of ISIS Special Forces training, keep in mind there's a difference between "Unusually skilled and dedicated" special and "short bus" special (47)
(KTLA Los Angeles)
  [Main] While you're digging out from under Snowmageddon, spare a prayer or two for the poor celebrities who might have to brave a 30 percent chance of rain to go get their $160,000 worth of freebies at the Oscars (31)
(Some Guy)
  [Main] Theme: Dear Leader's new haircut (52)
  [Video] What happens if you load a shotgun shell with live .22-caliber bullets? Besides the inevitable Xzibit references, that is (51)
(San Francisco Globe)
  [Geek] Barbecued bacon beef cheese sushi, aka the Shut Up and Take My Money Roll (21)
(Washington Times)
  [Politics] When the head of the IRS tells you your amnesty plan will allow people who have never paid any taxes to get back-refunds, maybe you need to tweak things a bit (77)
  [Geek] Autism Speaks weighs in on vaccine controversy: "Definitely need to vaccinate your kids, definitely. Don't want to skip that. Definitely don't skip it" (79)
(The Hill)
  [Politics] Nancy Pelosi thinks now is the perfect time for a gas tax hike. Prices will stay this low forever, right? (216)
(USA Today)
  [Politics] Obama has figured out how to pay for free community college for everyone: Your savings (214)
  [Geek] New poll discovers 80% of Americans want warning labels for foods containing DNA. Just wait till they find out how many foods have dihydrogen monoxide (192)
(ABC7 Los Angeles)
  [Video] Four-year-old girl feeds six pit bulls and… nothing happens. Naturally, some people are Very Upset about it (35)
(Tranquil Balance)
  [FarkUs] Farker just opened a massage and wellness clinic. If you're in the COS area, book online and mention Farkus for a discount (21)
(Huffington Post)
  [Main] Stuff you don't want to hear when the phone rings: 1. "This is the IRS." 2. "This is your husband's girlfriend." 3. "This is the funeral home. Someone just drove off with the hearse carrying your son's body" (32)
(CBS4Denver - KCNC)
  [Main] Denver cop arrested for stealing $20,000 worth of TurboTax software in dog food bags and then selling it on e-Bay for $60,000. Your dog wants an accountant (32)