2019 Fark Greenlights

(Some Food Guy)
2019-12-24
  [Food] Serious carnivores react to the phrase “slow cooker prime rib” as if you stuffed one of their children into a slow cooker. That’s silly. If something goes wrong you can always just make another child, but ruined prime rib will scar your soul forever
(23)
(YouTube)
2019-12-18
  [Discussion] It is time for subby’s most cherished, beloved personal holiday tradition: A full and complete transcript of Ralphie’s old man swearing at the furnace in “A Christmas Story”
(14)
(Thrillist)
2019-12-18
  [Food] Haven’t you always wanted to listen to Sam Elliott reading THE official, canonical list of cuts of beef? Of course you have
(8)
(Imgur)
2019-12-12
  [Main] Photoshop this DRAMA
(13)
(YouTube)
2019-12-01
  [Geek] If you’re ever attacked by a fire hydrant, be aware that AR-15 or AK-47 can wound the fire hydrant. If you want to be sure you killed the fire hydrant, though, better break out the BMG 50-cal
(20)
(Daily Wire)
2019-11-28
  [Main] First they came for Starbucks, but I said nothing because I don’t like coffee. Then they came for Walmart greeters who said “Merry Christmas,” but I said nothing because Walmart is evil. Then they came after Secret Santas
(116)
(Some Guy)
2019-11-18
  [Main] Photoshop R2D2 on steroids
(23)
(YouTube)
2019-11-15
  [Geek] Car mechanical fails: Come for the possessed spinning gearshift, stay for the screaming BMW engine
(18)
(LGBTQ Nation)
2019-11-15
  [Main] Coming soon: Rainbow-colored blood
(62)
(Yahoo)
2019-11-13
  [Main] Affordable housing has finally returned to Los Angeles, where $800 gets you a “capsule” the size of a bunk in a Navy sub
(104)
(IMDB)
2019-11-09
  [Geek] Stanley Kubrick discovered the number 42 before Douglas Adams, because The Shining proves Kubrick helped fake Apollo 11 and changed Room 217 to 237and made Scatman Crothers cry and the carpet was satellite dishes. After that this video gets confusing
(35)
(NYPost)
2019-11-05
  [Main] Nursery to 2-year-old girl: “Go have a funny-looking forehead somewhere else”
(70)
(The New York Times)
2019-11-04
  [Politics] Obama: “Stop getting butthurt about everything.” New York Times: “WE CAN’T BELIEVE OBAMA HATES SOCIAL JUSTICE LIKE THIS”
(193)
(Some Guy)
2019-10-29
  [Main] “Troll Who Said 99% Of Men Could Beat Female MMA Fighters Gets His Ass Kicked.” Guess he’s a 1-percenter
(126)
(YouTube)
2019-10-22
  [Main] There’s no problem too big or too small that can’t be solved with 10 gallons of gasoline and a lighter
(52)
(YouTube)
2019-10-17
  [Sports] You’ve always wanted to see Washington Cathedral’s carillonneur play “Take Me Out to the Ball Game,” haven’t you? Sure you have
(11)
(Some Guy)
2019-10-15
  [Main] Putting toothpaste in your vagina pros: You’ll never have to worry about vaginal tooth decay. Cons: Abraded tissue, various nasty infections
(66)
(C|Net)
2019-10-11
  [Geek] Star Trek uniforms have changed dozens of times in the last 50 years, but there’s an underlying truth, solid as bedrock, that never changes: Red shirt = dead man walking
(26)
(Huffington Post)
2019-10-10
  [Politics] Elizabeth Warren is eyeing California as she surges in the polls. California has no electricity but Warren doesn’t need it to surge. And boy is she surging. Tumescent, turgid surging, surging OH GOD SHE’S SURGING
(71)
(Vice)
2019-10-08
  [Entertainment] The first rule of Onania Club is that no one talks about Human Centipede (slightly nsfw)
(43)
(Facebook)
2019-10-04
  [Geek] Meet the Raufoss Mk II: A $65.00 bullet that can pierce armor, explode on the other side of the armor, and cremate the corpses of the bad guys it killed
(83)
(The Hill)
2019-10-04
  [Politics] Let’s take a peek at Trump’s approval rating: It’s gonna be pretty bad with the impeachment talk and — oh, my
(136)
(Imgur)
2019-10-05
  [Main] Photoshop this superhero landing
(21)
(ABC 15)
2019-10-01
  [Main] Something old, something new; something borrowed, something blue. Some got drunk, some got blazed; blowing chunks, getting tased. Attacked some cops; went to jail. Wedding party needs some bail
(26)
(YouTube)
2019-09-28
  [D’awww] Ever wondered what would happen if you hung a punching bag from a tree in a forest, set up a GoPro and checked the video later? Sure you have
(10)
(Daily Star)
2019-09-27
  [Main] Used leather armchair for sale. Very low price, mostly because several months ago the cushion got soaked in maggot-infested blood. But don’t worry: A little saddle soap will make it just like new (possible nsfw content on page)
(22)
(YouTube)
2019-09-24
  [Geek] Remember that Hattori Honzo line in “Kill Bill” about how his sword would cut God? He might have been thinking about forging a 3,000-layer billet of Damascus steel, like this
(32)
(Medium)
2019-09-17
  [Entertainment] This just in: JK Rowling is a TERF. I can tell because of things she never said and from seeing a few TERFs in my day. YMMV; EABOD and DIAF
(89)
(FB Photos)
2019-09-12
  [Main] Photoshop this impossible accident
(19)
(NBC News)
2019-09-10
  [Politics] Hillary is advising Elizabeth Warren on how to beat Trump next year, thereby ensuring a second Trump term and at least three new book deals each for Warren and Hillary
(69)
(Futurism)
2019-08-30
  [Geek] BMW unveils a car painted in Vantablack. Zaphod Beeblebrox immediately steals it
(35)
(Marketwatch)
2019-08-29
  [Politics] It’s time for an important milestone in the upcoming presidential election: Elizabeth Warren is the first candidate to strangle her campaign in its crib by announcing she’s going to get money out of politics for good
(121)
(Daily Star)
2019-08-21
  [Entertainment] British psychiatrist claims he treated Elvis 20 years after his faked death, offers proof with photos of a white blob and a photo of a guy who looks nothing like Elvis (possible nsfw content on page)
(24)
(AZCentral)
2019-08-09
  [Main] You know how sometimes you cross the median in Tucson and crash into a Saguaro cactus and it goes through your windshield and you get arrested for DUI and find out someone you don’t know is trying to sell your car on eBay? I hate it when that happens
(24)
(Yahoo)
2019-08-06
  [Politics] The New York Times is in trouble for reporting something Trump said without reporting the things he really meant or the things he should have said. We can’t have a newspaper running around just, like, REPORTING stuff
(116)
(NYPost)
2019-08-05
  [Main] New York women are taking dominatrix classes to lure powerful Manhattan billionaires. This can only end well
(92)
(Imgur)
2019-08-04
  [Main] Photoshop this brain map
(19)
(Daily Mail)
2019-07-21
  [Geek] Satellite images show the things Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin left behind: a seismometer, the US flag, bags of astronaut poop, a laser reflector-wait, back up one
(34)
(Some Guy)
2019-07-14
  [Entertainment] Ever wondered the meaning of Terry Jacks’ “Season in the Sun”? Wonder no more: “It was about an old man who was dying of a broken heart because his best friend was screwing his wife,” Jacks said
(46)
(Fox News)
2019-07-11
  [Main] What’s a good reason for a massive lawsuit? A: A DUI driver hits you. B: A defective product causes a serious injury, or C: Reese’s lies about white peanut butter cups having white chocolate, even though the ingredients don’t list white chocolate
(57)
(Medium)
2019-07-10
  [Entertainment] In the final moments of Calvin’s life, Hobbes pays him one last visit
(87)
(Page Six)
2019-07-07
  [Entertainment] So this actor guy named Kip Bardue / Has big trouble beginning to brew / His costar was shocked / When he went off half-cocked / And she said “That’s it Kip-we’re through”
(16)
(Some Guy)
2019-07-03
  [Geek] 20 inventors who accidentally killed themselves with their own inventions
(34)
(Navy Times)
2019-07-03
  [Main] Prosecutors in the trial of the Navy SEAL accused of murder grudgingly admit their case had some problems. For instance, prosecutors aren’t supposed to hack into the defenses’ computers to spy on all their correspondence
(51)
(Townhall)
2019-07-03
  [Politics] Rep. Frederica Wilson (Dem, FL) says people who make fun of members of Congress online should be prosecuted. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard from a Congresscritter, and that’s saying a lo–hang on; there’s someone at the door
(234)
(Sad and Useless)
2019-06-29
  [D’awww] Photos of animals before and after being called a good boy or girl
(22)
(Boston Globe)
2019-06-29
  [Geek] Old and busted: “The moon landings were fake.” New hotness: “We landed on the moon but no one knows why”
(77)
(Imgur)
2019-07-02
  [Main] Photoshop this frustrated fox
(19)
(YouTube)
2019-06-27
  [Geek] Roadrunner’s tongue blip was a guy’s thumb on a Coke bottle: How cartoon sound effects were created
(25)
(Some Cow)
2019-06-22
  [Main] Animal rights group plants workers in a cattle farm to secretly videotape felony abuse of the cattle, then send video to the county prosecutor. There was indeed animal abuse in the video- mostly committed by the animal rights group’s plants
(41)
(KOAA)
2019-06-21
  [Main] Colorado celebrates the first day of summer with a blizzard
(34)
(Some Guy)
2019-06-16
  [Main] Emergency room personnel call motorcyclists “future organ donors,” and steering your bike with your feet while texting is a great way to prove them right
(122)
(YouTube)
2019-06-13
  [Entertainment] Who sang the high note in “Gethsemane” best? Or second best behind Ian Gillan because come ON
(28)
(Fox News)
2019-06-06
  [Politics] Dem convention highlights: Hickenlooper disses socialism and gets booed; Delaney disses Medicare for all and gets booed; AOC tells Delaney to “sashay away”; Delaney offers to debate AOC; Omar accuses him of a consent violation
(138)
(Some Food Guy)
2019-05-31
  [Food] Supernatural Elf Counselor Sauce: The best Supernatural Elf Counselor Sauce you’ll ever taste, even though it burns faster than a naked albino ginger at Burning Man
(10)
(YouTube)
2019-05-23
  [Geek] “Sir, do you have any firearms in your vehicle?” If I had a nickel for every time this has happened to me
(44)
(Some Guy)
2019-05-15
  [Food] Caesar salad dressing: Backstabbingly delicious
(6)
(Some Guy)
2019-05-13
  [Food] A really good ragu is a lot of work, but it’s more than worth it
(45)
(YouTube)
2019-05-12
  [Food] How to make Coca-Cola with Doc Pemberton’s original recipe: First, get a fifth of Everclear grain alcohol
(10)
(Some Food Guy)
2019-05-12
  [Food] Gordon Ramsey says the world’s best breakfasts come from America. Since we eat breakfast for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I think he’s on to something
(48)
(Fox 13 Tampa Bay)
2019-05-09
  [Main] University of Central Florida combines culinary training and med school. Just because you know how to remove someone’s liver doesn’t mean you know how to cook it with fava beans and a nice Chianti
(13)
(The Daily Beast)
2019-04-30
  [Politics] After the success of the Mueller report, House Democrats hire a former FBI white collar crime expert to probe Trump’s finances. Again. On a related note, if you start practicing now, the sentence “Trump wins a second term” won’t hurt so much
(170)
(Some Guy)
2019-04-24
  [Food] Tired of karaoke pasta?
(2)
(Some Guy)
2019-04-22
  [Main] Old and busted: “We don’t want guest speakers we disagree with to come to our college.” New hotness: “We want you to fire any faculty we disagree with”
(172)
(WTAE)
2019-04-18
  [Food] In 1953, it took 27 hours to create one Peep by hand with a piping bag. Today it takes six minutes per Peep by machine. Amazingly, they’re still just as nasty as they were back in 1953
(22)
(Some Guy)
2019-04-13
  [Sports] French woman lifts 110kg, breaks her arm in two places [Warning: graphic content]
(19)
(Some Guy)
2019-04-11
  [Food] The geometry of pasta
(13)
(Reason Magazine)
2019-04-06
  [Politics] Mark Zuckerberg is concerned about political hate speech, fake news, and possible foreign election meddling on Facebook. So he does the single best thing he could do to make it worse
(73)
(Roanoke Times)
2019-03-31
  [Main] Some dangerously ill kids go to the emergency room in their parents’ car. Some go by ambulance or even helicopter. This kid went to the ER in a SWAT team van after they kicked in his anti-vaxxer mother’s door
(168)
(Chicago Trib)
2019-03-29
  [Main] The Chicago mayor and the FBI are both leaning hard on Kim Foxx to explain why she dropped all charges against Jussie Smollett. Foxx explains that they’re just not smart enough to understand the intricacies of the legal system. That’ll work
(203)
(Some Guy)
2019-03-28
  [Food] I’m not saying it’s Venezuelan Beaver Cheese. But it’s Venezuelan Beaver Cheese
(7)
(Bearing Arms)
2019-03-14
  [Main] Connecticut state court rules Sandy Hook families can sue Remington. Also that they can sue Jenny McCarthy since Adam Lanza was autistic. In related news, submitter plans to sue spoon manufacturers since he got fat eating Ben & Jerry’s
(232)
(Cheezburger)
2019-03-10
  [Main] Anti-vaxxer mom asks online for furniture ideas for her unvaccinated son; says she is not interested in having an argument. This being Fark, I’m sure you know what happened next
(117)
(Washington Monthly)
2019-03-06
  [Politics] The Mueller probe hasn’t proven any collusion yet, but it has revealed other troubling info. For example, they’ve discovered that Fox News-better sit down for this-Fox News supports President Trump
(25)
(Some Guy)
2019-02-27
  [Geek] Accuweather predicts there will be exactly–(reads entrails)–1,075 tornados in 2019
(8)
(Some Guy)
2019-02-26
  [Food] “Being this is Murder Chili, the most powerful chili in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you gotta ask yourself a question: ‘Do I like beans in my chili?’ Well, do ya, punk?”
(22)
(MSNBC)
2019-02-18
  [Entertainment] We have just the person to cut through all the rhetoric and posturing on this Jussie Smollett business. (That’s great. I hope it’s not someone like Al Sharpton, though.) And here he is: (Please don’t be Al Sharpton.) Al Sharpton. (NOOOOOOOOO)
(57)
(YouTube)
2019-02-17
  [D’awww] German Shepherd taste tests various treats. Much yum. So noms
(5)
(YouTube)
2019-02-17
  [Geek] What if all nuclear weapons on Earth exploded at the same time?
(90)
(The Register)
2019-02-15
  [Geek] The UK makes it a crime to view terrorist propaganda online even once, punishable with up to 15 years in prison. Don’t worry, Citizen: We’ll decide what you need to know
(40)
(CBS 7 KOSA)
2019-02-08
  [Politics] New Mexico Legislature: “Here’s a bunch of spiffy new gun-control laws. Think of the chiiiiillllllldren.” New Mexico sheriffs: “PLEASE stop wasting our time with this crap”
(96)
(People Magazine)
2019-02-08
  [Entertainment] Tattoos celebrities regret: Come for the butt-crack cross; stay for the Japanese tat that accidentally says “Tiny charcoal grill”
(48)
(The Week)
2019-02-04
  [Entertainment] In praise of Jake Gyllenhaall’s crazy eyes. Shine on you crazy diamond
(17)
(The Week)
2019-02-04
  [Geek] “The lost art of memorization,” which relies on the expert use of polysyndetons, onomatopoeia, mnemotechnicism and a good ol’ hapax legomena to grow on
(36)
(Roll Call)
2019-01-30
  [Politics] Congress passed a resolution blaming Trump for the shutdown, which they proudly proclaim will have all the power of an expired Chuck E Cheese pizza coupon
(32)
(YouTube)
2019-01-26
  [Geek] Watch a woman helpfully explain what to do if various snakes bite you by letting various snakes bite her. Best method for making the snake let go: Spray vodak in its mouth (this being Fark, I assume you’ll have vodak on hand)
(31)
(Some Root Beer Snob)
2019-01-25
  [Food] Root Beer Glazed Ham (CS,B: When I was in college I met a student whose great-great-grandad invented root beer. Pharmacist by the name of Charles E. Hires. If you happen to bump into him, tell him I said thanks)
(33)
(Some Beefy Jerk)
2019-01-24
  [Food] Q: What wine pairs best with beef jerky? A: Beer
(16)
(Chron)
2019-01-20
  [Main] Four guys with rifles decide a home invasion would be fun, suffer Acute Failure of the Victim Selection Process
(410)
(Chron)
2019-01-20
  [Main] Four guys with rifles decide a home invasion would be fun, suffer Acute Failure of the Victim Selection Process
(410)
(Some Guy)
2019-01-16
  [Food] Swedish Cream: The most amazing dessert you’ve ever tasted, or my name isn’t Svårgên Lütefîsk Løki Vîn Ümlaut Du Kömmer Att Assimileras of Børg
(4)
(Some Guy)
2019-01-15
  [Food] If you don’t feel like making Inverted Nipple Cookies, you can always make some Faces of Death Cookies instead
(8)
(Food Network)
2019-01-12
  [Food] After all these years of embarrassment and heartache, Britain finally finds something Prince Philip is good for
(31)
(Bearing Arms)
2019-01-10
  [Politics] Sen. Diane Feinstein rolls out her gun control bill. This year she wants to outlaw the round thing with holes in it, bullet holder doohickies, the shoulder thing that flips up, and of course the umbrella stand thingy on the back that goes in and out
(407)
(YouTube)
2019-01-08
  [Geek] Inside footage from the USS South Dakota, the Navy’s newest sub. Bonus: Submitter’s stepson is assigned there
(31)
(Colorado Springs Gazette)
2019-01-07
  [Politics] Colorado completes its transition into official blue state status: They want better schools but they don’t want to pay for them
(47)
(The Hill)
2019-01-07
  [Politics] Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi issue a reminder that impeachment is mostly a pipe dream, blaming a little something we like to call “reality”
(144)