2018 Fark Greenlights

(Mirror.co.uk)
2018-12-29
  [Main] ♬ This old gran ♬ She played one ♬ She played murder on her son ♬ With a skillet and a power saw she sliced and diced and smashed ♬ And put him in the next day’s trash ♬
(42)
(Rotten Tomatoes)
2018-12-23
  [Entertainment] Top 25 Christmas horror movies, ranked worst to best … and both the top and bottom are, well, accurate. Who’dathunkit?
(54)
(McSweeney's)
2018-12-23
  [Entertainment] Ted Nugent reviews “A Christmas Story.” You know, I… I actually agree with most of this, especially the part about how Ralphie’s old man should have just shot his furnace
(32)
(Newsweek)
2018-12-16
  [Politics] Democrats are excited, VERY excited, as Trump’s odds of impeachment surge. Look at those odds surging. Those turgid, throbbing odds, thrusting and surging; surging and ramming, the engorged surging YES OH GOD YES THEY SURGE SO GOOD
(163)
(Townhall)
2018-12-10
  [Politics] If you’re an incoming member of the House of Representatives, it might be a good idea not to violate House Ethics before they even swear you in
(536)
(Bearing Arms)
2018-12-10
  [Politics] David Hogg wants a federal tax on gun sales to fund gun control efforts. In related news, vegans want a tax on beef sales to give to PETA
(314)
(National Review)
2018-12-09
  [Business] Ed Stack, CEO of Dick’s Sporting Goods, says taking AR-15s out of inventory was a great decision and he’s delighted with the outcome: Um–sales are way down an, uh… well, they’re going to have to close some stores
(139)
(Daily Mail)
2018-12-05
  [Politics] At President Bush’s funeral, Trump and Melania shook hands with Bill Clinton and the Obamas, but Hillary just like TOTALLY ignored both of them and the Daily Mail is all Oh no she DINT. Because apparently life is just one great big middle school
(142)
(Wikimedia)
2018-12-04
  [Main] Photoshop this label
(17)
(Some Guy)
2018-11-30
  [Food] It’s sauce. It’s pie filling. It’s dressing. It’s a dessert topping. It’s NOT floorwax, but it’s also proof Paul McCartney died a long time ago and was replaced by an impostor
(12)
(Wired)
2018-11-29
  [Food] “I will never apologize for my air fryer.” Um–ok. I didn’t expe–“Hands off the air fryer.” I wasn’t goi-“NEVER. No apologies for the air fryer.” I don’t care about your air fr-“YOU CAN HAVE MY AIR FRYER WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD GREASY FINGERS”
(20)
(The New York Times)
2018-11-29
  [Food] Forget romaine: French fries are what you should worry about. They’re just skinny little starch bombs that will murder you right in your overstuffed greasy face. Crispy, salty, savory, delicious starch bombs and you want some right now, don’t you?
(26)
(Food Network)
2018-11-22
  [Food] Forget Turducken–it’s time for PIECAKEN
(31)
(ABL13 Houston)
2018-11-19
  [Main] Widow paints her front door blue because it reminds her of her late husband. If you just thought “Here comes the HOA,” your Fark-Fu is strong
(130)
(Healthy Holistic Living)
2018-11-15
  [Food] You don’t need a flu shot; just eat this soup. The soup uses 52 cloves of garlic, plus onions and ginger, so I suspect it protects you by making sure no one comes anywhere near you
(36)
(The Hill)
2018-11-12
  [Politics] The Democratic party’s long-term strategy includes guaranteeing Trump will win a second term
(154)
(Facebook)
2018-11-10
  [Food] World’s Biggest Hot Dog is not a euphemism. It’s just a big-ass hot dog
(28)
(National Review)
2018-10-29
  [Politics] This just in: Rage makes you stupid. This being the Politics tab, click the number on the right for proof
(77)
(KTRE Lufkin)
2018-10-26
  [Main] ♫ A horse is a horse ♫ Of course; of course ♫ And horsing around is okay, of course ♫ Unless you horse with a rifle, of course ♫ And shoot a big hole in your friend ♫
(22)
(KTRE Lufkin)
2018-10-25
  [Main] If you need to go to the hospital but you don’t have transportation, so you call a social worker but dial a wrong number, make sure the number you dial accidentally is Jimmy Johns–they’ll get you there freaky fast
(92)
(Some Food Guy)
2018-10-22
  [Food] For some reason even the best Chinese restaurants usually serve factory-packaged almond cookies with all the appeal of a cardboard beer coaster with a toenail on top. Here’s how to get that disgusting image out of your brain
(18)
(Reason Magazine)
2018-10-16
  [Politics] Kamala Harris likes California’s insane housing prices so much she’s eager to share it with all US taxpayers
(224)
(Alamo Drafthouse)
2018-10-14
  [Entertainment] Alamo Drafthouse Cinema has one simple rule: If you talk or text during a movie, they’ll kick you out. They’re soliciting advice on whether to keep the rule. This is our moment, Fark. Make me proud
(68)
(Some Brainy Guy)
2018-10-13
  [Food] “I got Twizzlers.” “I got Sweet Tarts.” “I got a Snickers.” “I got a brain”
(10)
(Newschannel 9)
2018-10-13
  [Main] Tennessee dad tries to kill his son with a chainsaw while his son’s mowing the yard. So the son mows his dad’s leg. Off
(102)
(Some Salty Guy)
2018-10-13
  [Food] Making a brine: Easy. Soaking a bird in the brine without letting it get too warm: Not so easy
(26)
(Some Guy)
2018-10-09
  [Geek] SETI wants your help renaming MU69, an asteroid the New Horizons is checking out now that it’s finished with Pluto. Difficulty: Asteroid McAsteroidface submissions will be discarded
(39)
(UPI)
2018-10-07
  [Main] Old and busted: Spider in a box of bananas. New hotness: Case of Pepsi containing a king cobra
(29)
(Någon svensk kock)
2018-10-07
  [Food] Fantastisk krämig efterrätt–It’s erm da Svedish Cream. Bork bork bork
(9)
(Some Carbon-Based Life Form)
2018-10-05
  [Food] Hello, Jimmy Dean. Let’s play a game
(11)
(The Cut)
2018-10-04
  [Entertainment] Leonardo DiCaprio overcome with disgust in yacht. Stop the presses
(32)
(Imgur)
2018-10-04
  [Main] Title and caption these instructions
(29)
(Oddity Central)
2018-10-02
  [Food] Tired of the same old shrimp scampi or lobster thermidore? Try some Lucifer’s Fingers
(10)
(Some Guy)
2018-10-01
  [Food] Before we get to the Chateaubriand recipe, let’s talk about serial killers, okay?
(26)
(NBC News)
2018-09-28
  [Main] Hurricane Rosa upgraded to Category 4; may travel inland as far as Phoenix. That’s in Arizona, though, so it’ll be a dry hurricane
(154)
(Some Guy)
2018-09-28
  [Food] My mother’s most excellent lasagnea recipe. No, that’s not a typo. Also, no cats allowed unless they’re already dead. Looking at YOU, Garfield
(31)
(Kansas City)
2018-09-27
  [Main] Colorado children’s hospital removes gender from children’s wristbands. “It’s little early to start imposing ROLES on them,” said a hospital spokesperson. “Besides, we have the machine that goes PING”
(147)
(Fox News)
2018-09-27
  [Main] Fite Mor PasurzBi
(16)
(Some Guy)
2018-09-26
  [Food] Don’t look now, but here’s an insanely delicious carrot cake recipe I got from my mother’s neighbor
(15)
(YouTube)
2018-09-24
  [Politics] Feminist Vegan: “Eating meat causes toxic masculinity and reinforces the patriarchy.” Reporter: “Can you explain that?” FV: “No; it’s too complicated for you and your viewers.” R: “Well, then I guess I’m gonna eat a steak. Right now, in front of you”
(163)
(Some Guy)2018-09-20   [Geek] I have no Idea what you’re Talking About, so Here’s a letter Ben Franklin wrote in 1781, titled “The Royal Academy of Farting,” in which he Challenged them to devise a way to make Farts smell Nicer (1)
(Some Guy)2018-09-16   [Food] Ever see a recipe that makes your mouth start watering? (16)
(Fox News)2018-09-10   [Entertainment] Facebook is really really sorry they deleted Burt Reynolds’ nude photo. They apologize unreservedly. They offer a complete and utter retraction and deeply regret any distress that their action may have caused and will not repeat any such slander (26)
(Some Guy)2018-09-07   [Food] If you’re being pestered to eat healthy, eat carrots. But before you eat them, wrap them in bacon, roast them and glaze ’em to boot. Sounds like it’s not very healthy, actually. But it is, because carrots (12)
(Ranker)2018-09-04   [Geek] Surgeons restored woman’s sight by transplanting a tooth into her eye. And a bunch of even more bizarre medical treatments that worked (21)
(Mirror.co.uk)2018-09-02   [Main] “Hairdresser and boyfriend stabbed as they slept by cocaine-fueled burglar.” Remember, kids: Never sleep near a cocaine-fueled burglar. Find a safer place to sleep (23)
(NYPost)2018-08-31   [Politics] Professional Smart Person: “The US has more mass shootings than anywhere else in the world. I have Scientific Proof.” “Can we see the Scientific Proof?” “No. Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person” (124)
(NYPost)2018-08-31   [Entertainment] Aretha Franklin owned a collection of fur coats. PETA wants them, and they totally pinky-promise swear they won’t sell them or destroy them. They just want to give them to homeless people or for dog beds; they haven’t decided yet (24)
(Some Guy)2018-08-30   [Food] Like Sonic’s onion rings? You can make them at home, but you won’t believe the secret ingredient that makes ’em taste like the ones at Sonic (that’s not clickbait; it really is a bizarre secret ingredient) (48)
(Imgur)2018-09-02   [Main] Photoshop these rings (16)
(Some Guy)2018-08-23   [Geek] On this day in 1938, RCA approved artwork for the Indian Head Test Pattern. Happy 80th birthday, Indian Head Test Pattern (14)
(Bored Panda)2018-08-23   [D’awww] World’s most expressive dog face. Actually, he looks kind of like an Ewok (14)
(KSN Wichita)2018-08-16   [Main] Thieves steal $98,000 worth of Ramen noodles. So basically they stole the entire world supply (23)
(Cracked)2018-08-13   [Geek] Wanna be a superhero? You’ll need an origin story. Something like being a billionaire cosmetic factory owner who was dropped on his head as a baby, then got bit by a raccoon, which provokes him to sell makeup that burns people’s skin off (11)
(USA Today)2018-08-11   [Politics] “Hissing Package Falls From Sky Twenty Miles From President Trump.” Interesting: Hissing Package is the name of my Whitesnake tribute band (60)
(Oddity Central)2018-08-09   [Geek] ♬ I said Doctor ♬ Ain’t there nothin’ I can take? ♬ He said Now let’s just get this straight: I put the lime in the coconut ♬ And smash it on your head ♬ You go home with a concussion ♬ And call me in the morning ♬ (4)
(Business Insider)2018-08-08   [Geek] Prominent physicist says using nuclear weapons to trigger a tsunami would be “completely stupid.” In related news, someone consulted a physicist about triggering tsunamis with nuclear weapons (48)
(The Drive)2018-08-06   [Geek] The Navy used a decommissioned supercarrier as a destructive platform to better understand what could make it sink. Turns out the answer is “Shoot everything we have at it for about four weeks” (113)
(Indy100)2018-08-07   [Main] I have no idea what you’re talking about, so here’s a Russian bear playing a vuvuzela (24)
(Miami Herald)2018-07-30   [Main] Awkward: Running into your girlfriend’s ex while you’re on a date. More awkward: He has his daughter with him. Mega awkward: He jumps out of his truck and stabs you in the head. WTF awkward: Then jumps in his truck and leaves. SMH: Without his daughter (62)
(Facebook)2018-07-27   [Main] I have no idea what you’re talking about, so here’s a squirrel wearing a crocheted shark costume and eating an avocado (56)
(Some Guy)2018-07-27   [Geek] Nashville Zoo welcome two new bdaaaawwws snowy owl chicks. To keep the chicks from imprinting on one of the zookeepers, the zookeepers have to dress up like KKK members. Sort of (13)
(The Dodo)2018-07-23   [Main] Woman comes home, walks into her living room and JESUS CHRIST IT’S A LION. GET OFF THE COUCH (114)
(Daily Mail)2018-07-18   [Main] Father of 43 kids found beaten to death in his apartment. Neighbors suspect someone got sick of him singing that “Every Sperm Is Sacred” song (109)
(Imgur)2018-07-21   [Main] Photoshop this Crisco in a disco (28)
(Reason Magazine)2018-07-15   [Business] Starbucks’ efforts to help the environment by eliminating straws reaches its logical conclusion as they unveil a new sippy lid thingie that uses more plastic than the old lid and straw put together (67)
(Imgur)2018-07-15   [Main] Photoshop this hair dryer (20)
(The Sun)2018-07-11   [Main] A look inside Japan’s super-secret big meanie murder jail, where they kill people with paltry excuses such as “They murdered 13 people in a subway with Sarin nerve gas” (possible nsfw content on page) (111) (+11)
(The Sun)2018-07-11   [Main] Unforeseen consequences of the heat wave: Stores put up signs saying they won’t accept “sweaty boob money” that was tucked inside shoppers’ bras. In related news, Sweaty Boob Money is a terrific Motley Crue tribute band name (possible nsfw content on page) (105) (+5)
(Fox News)2018-07-07   [Main] If you get caught having sex with one of your special-needs students, lose your job and are out on bail, there are lots of things you can do while waiting for your trial. Getting caught doing it again probably isn’t a good one (100)
(The Atlantic)2018-07-06   [Main] It’s silly to be so scared of spiders. It’s not as if they can harness electrical power to fly hundreds of miles or anything (94)
(Hawaii MidWeek)2018-07-05   [Main] He’s in his 70s and has had multiple hip replacements. But Grandmaster Martin T. Buell could still kill you with his eyelashes. Bonus: Submitter trained with him (57)
(Vulture)2018-06-27   [Politics] Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert and Conan O’Brien videoconference to discuss Trump, and it’s funnier that you’d suspect but not for the reasons you’d suspect. Bonus: Conan logs in from the shower (43)
(Fox News)2018-06-26   [Main] Oh goody: Another SJW restaurant throws out someone just because they don’t like his politics. ***clicks link*** CROM’S CRUNCHY CROTCH CROUTONS (170)
(Marie Claire)2018-06-21   [Politics] The headline: “Melania Trump Wore a Jacket That Read “I Really Don’t Care” to Visit Immigrants.” The story: She was wearing the jacket in Maryland before she left and wearing something else when she arrived in Texas (322)
(Abc.net.au)2018-06-19   [Main] In the US, a lot of people are worried about lead contamination in their water. In Australia, they’e complaining about uranium contamination. Dang–they even have more deadly toxic waste (23)
(FB Photos)2018-06-19   [Main] Photoshop this judgmental bird (19)
(AP News)2018-06-13   [Main] Military spokesman insists a National Guard officer was not authorized to take an armored personnel vehicle off base, even though he completed his basic training on his own after Sgt. Hulka was wounded by a stray mortar (29)
(SFGate)2018-06-13   [Business] Twitter CEO apologizes after eating at Chick Fil A during Pride Month. SAD (58)
(WGNTV Chicago)2018-06-13   [Main] Gallant uses a courteous, calming demeanor to de-escalate situations. Gumbus runs a school bus off the road and beats it with a hammer (27)
(Fox News)2018-06-12   [Politics] Good Guy With a Gun, who doesn’t exist, shoots imaginary bad guys who no one really needs to worry about, and kills them both with a AK-47, which everyone knows is useless for self-defense, so I’m honestly not sure why we’re even talking about this (249)
(Fox News)2018-06-12   [Main] Gibson served in Honduras, Beirut, Norway, the Philippines, and Desert Storm. He went on to win the Legion of Merit with Gold Star and Bronze Star with Combat Distinguishing Device. His dying words: “Can’t you idiots learn how to DRIVE?” (32)
(The New York Times)2018-06-02   [Politics] ♬ Here’s the story ♬ Of a lovely lady ♬ Who was bringing up two very lovely girls ♬ All of them had hair of gold ♬ Which makes them racist ♬ And makes me clutch my pearls ♬ (145)
(The New York Times)2018-06-01   [Politics] Unemployment is down; jobs are up. So let’s take a little time to complain about how Trump Tweeted this info before The New York Times did (107)
(Telegraph)2018-06-01   [Main] Knife violence is soaring in the UK, but don’t worry: This judge says they can lower it by making it illegal to sell knives with a point. Or a sharp blade. Really. No, I’m not making this u–look, stop laughing–that’s really what he said (332)
(Fox News)2018-05-31   [Main] “Jogger gored by bison on morning run.” Never bother a bison on his morning run (31)
(Huffington Post)2018-05-31   [Politics] Samantha Bee calls Ivanka a “feckless c**t.” So I guess Bee is, um, feckful? Fecked? Feckish or fecky? And what’s a c**t? Chat? Coat? Cart? Clot? Coot? Cent? (111)
(The Hill)2018-05-30   [Politics] Trump signs bill allowing terminally ill patients to try therapies or drugs that aren’t FDA- approved ye–Wait, he did something RIGHT? (141)
(Imgur)2018-05-30   [Main] Label these cookies (18)
(Buzzfeed)2018-05-28   [Main] Federal authorities say yes; they took 1,500 children away from their families, and yes; they deported their parents; and yes, they assigned the 1,500 children to foster homes, but it’s not THEIR fault the children disappeared somewhere on the way (223)
(MSN)2018-05-27   [Sports] “Love Bangs Heads With Tatum.” No euphemisms were harmed in the production of this headline (3)
(USA Today)2018-05-27   [Main] What could be more embarrassing than having the entire country know your own parents evicted you? How about Alex Jones offering to support you financially? (79)
(Yahoo)2018-05-26   [Geek] Experts agree there’s no link between violent video games and school shooters. That doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to publish a school shooting game on Steam (67)
(Guardian)2018-05-23 Woofday [Main] Meet Guy, the rescue Beagle from Kentucky who now lives in Kensington Palace. No, not Some Guy from Kentucky; that’s Drew. This Guy is a dog. Welcome to your Woofday Wetnose Wednesday thread (158)
(Cracked)2018-05-18   [Entertainment] Harvey Weinstein; Kevin Spacey–the celebrities exposed by #MeToo are making a comeback via the tried-and-true method of laying low for six months and then pretending nothing happened. That’s the joke (well, it would be if this were a joke) (95)
(TMZ)2018-05-16   [Entertainment] “Real Housewives” star’s dress tries to fall off onstage. NSFW, but mostly because her singing will clear the room faster than a SWAT team (29)
(CBS News)2018-05-16   [Politics] Time to reset the clock. No, not that one; the one where everyone says we need more gun-control laws even though nothing happened (151)
(CNN)2018-05-16   [Sports] MSU settles with Larry Nassar’s victims for $500 million. Sounds like they’ve been saving that up for quite a long time (15)
(Fox 19 Cincinnati)2018-05-17   [Main] “Human Bones Found Buried Under Trailer.” To be fair, it was a burned-down, abandoned trailer that had sitting in a woman’s back yard in Kentuck– Say, has anyone seen Drew lately? (14)
(Fox Business)2018-05-15   [Politics] Hey Seattle: If you think Amazon makes so much money they really won’t miss an extra $20 million or $30 million in taxes, keep in mind they also have enough money to relocate (206)
(NBC News)2018-05-12   [Politics] “Obama, John Kerry and Hilary Clinton have been critical of Trump’s handling of Iran. What does Trump have to say?” “Given their total lack of progress in this area, they’re the last people we would look to for advice” (106)
(AZ Family)2018-05-12   [Main] Live feed of a nasty wildfire just north of Prescott, AZ. 30mph winds are helping it eat up houses (27)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune)2018-05-12   [Geek] Pop quiz, hotshot: What do kitty litter, lo mein and unicorn poop all have in common? If you said “They’re all cupcakes,” there’s something wrong with you. I mean, they really ARE all cupcakes, but still (9)
(KRQE News)2018-05-11   [Main] New Mexico wants to charge a $50 fee for keeping bees; says the fee will go toward inspections. As in: “Let’s see the bees.” “Here they are.” “Thank you. That will be $50, please” (65)
(Fox News)2018-05-03   [Main] Police release bodycam footage of officers entering Vegas mass shooter Stephen Paddock’s hotel room and discovering… a vibrator? Really? (51)
(Fox News)2018-05-03   [Entertainment] Cosby conviction sends a clear message, and that message is WHEEEERE DID THEY GET CHOCOLATE CAKE FROM? And they said huh uh, we wanted eggs and milk and dad made us eat this, so I said “I dunnnooooooo” (47)
(LiveLeak)2018-05-03   [Geek] So these science dudes took like a picture of whole universe and zoomed in on it till we’re like looking at a subatomic particle in this guy’s ARMPIT, dig, and that’s cool but this weed is a lot *****pfffft**** cheaper, man (22)
(The Hill)2018-05-02   [Politics] Hillary’s weekly announcement of people who stole the election from her is getting as stale as “OJ Simpson looking for the real killers” jokes (125)
(Page Six)2018-05-02   [Entertainment] Kathy Griffin: “Anderson Cooper will never apologize to me.” Anderson Cooper: “Who’s Kathy Griffin?” (42)
(Yahoo)2018-04-30   [Politics] “NRA Convention Bans Guns To Protect Mike Pence. Parkland Survivors’ Jaws Drop.” Because until now the Secret Service has always been so relaxed and casual about guns near the people they’re watching (107)
(NYPost)2018-04-28   [Main] ♫ Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends ♫ Mmmm, get by with a little help from my friends ♫ Mmm, Mama dies with a little help from my friends ♫ Yes, I get by with a…Wait, back up one (14)
(Circa)2018-04-28   [Main] Truck carrying Starbucks’ products in Washington state had 126 pounds of meth hidden in a TV box and a mattress. In related news, Starbucks sells TVs and mattresses now (30)
(NYPost)2018-04-27   [Main] The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a Mexican cowboy who just took off his glasses (74) (+1)
(Gizmodo)2018-04-26   [Geek] WebCassette is an app that degrades your music’s quality and adds hiss and crackles so it sounds like a cassette in a Walkman. Next up: WebVictrola, which you have to crank by hand to hear music that skips and plays way too fast (35) (+2)
(Tulsa World)2018-04-26   [Main] Let’s set the Wayback Machine to October, 1990, when Mister Rogers sued the Ku Klux Klan. And won (66) (+5)
(Fox 40 Sacramento)2018-04-25   [Main] “God the Father told me to kidnap your child.” “Really? That’s interesting, because my Mama said knock you out” (87)
(CNBC)2018-04-24   [Business] Hey, this FANG stock is really performing well. My investment has dou–aaaaaand it’s gone (26)
(Imgur)2018-04-26   [Main] Photoshop this heavily armed bucket (26) (+1)
(Fark)2018-04-19   [Discussion] Add one word to a movie title to radically change its meaning: Lord of the Onion Rings; (217)
(Decider)2018-04-18   [Entertainment] ♬ I laughed so hard I split my pants open on national TV ♬ And I liked it ♬ (38)
(The Scottish Sun)2018-04-16   [Main] Can you still join the Mile-High Club if three drunk strippers get into a catfight on your flight? Hell yes, there’s video (47)
(Daily Mail)2018-04-14   [Main] Remember the dumbass who threw a box of homemade fire starters in his barbecue? He’s been officially demoted from Dumbass to Crispy Flame-Broiled Dumbass (photos not safe for lunch) (53)
(Daily Mail)2018-04-12   [Main] If your fire is already burning, you don’t need to use a fire starter. And it’s a really bad idea to throw a whole box of fire starters on your fire. With video goodness (86)
(Imgur)2018-04-13   [Main] Caption this private moment (59)
(Some Guy)2018-04-10   [Geek] Fluoride is a neurotoxin, so it like toxinificates your neuros. It’s a major cause an issue there is another major cause as well, fluoride can actually also be found in processed brands of tea that are grown in most likely overly polluted areas (76)
(Cracked)2018-04-06   [Entertainment] Interesting: There are three movies about the Manson Family murders in the pipeline in Hollywood. Cool: The first one’s a Tarantino movie. Oh, FFS: Starring Leonardo DiCaprio as Manson, if he can grow any facial hair (55)
(ABC7 San Francisco)2018-04-03   [Main] California man arrested after he tried to pay for sex with a 4-year-old. Police say they got suspicious when he asked for a 1-year-old in change (58)
(Fark)2018-04-06   [Main] The cinnamon challenge, the Tide Pod challenge, the condom snorting challenge: Photoshop the next stupid/dangerous teen challenge that will cause nationwide panicgasms (38)
(Reuters)2018-03-30   [Main] Los Angeles judge rules Starbucks cups in California have to have a cancer warning. And you thought the whole Christmas cup thing was silly (75)
(New York Daily News)2018-03-21   [Main] “What we know about the Austin bomber.” Well, 1. He liked blowing things up. 2. Including himself (317)
(Sports Illustrated)2018-03-14   [Sports] Danry Vasquez let go from Astros after “allegedly hitting his girlfriend three times in a stairwell at Whataburger Field,” says manager, who neglected to mention it was a year ago and no one seemed to care until video of it got leaked (18)
(The Root)2018-03-14   [Main] OJ Simpson finally identifies the real killer (132)
(Some Guy)2018-03-09   [Main] “Glitter beer is a thing now and we’re not sure how we feel.” I think I can help: Annoyed, disgusted, aghast, flabbergasted, nauseated, stabby, repulsed, horrified and like moving to Germany (83)
(National Review)2018-03-05   [Politics] “Why the Left Won’t Win the Gun-Control Debate.” TL;DR: They can’t persuade a rational, reasonable adult who’s experienced a threat that they’re safer without effective means of self-defense (617)
(Miami Herald)2018-03-02   [Main] Poland sends Germany a bill for World War II: A mere $850 billion (110)
(Business Insider)2018-02-26   [Business] Activists: “Cut ties with the NRA.” FedEx: “It’s possible to do business with someone even if you don’t agree with everything they do. Grow up” (141)
(The Atlantic)2018-02-24   [Geek] Trauma doctor who treated Parkland victims was horrified to realize rifles tend to make worse wounds than handguns (157)
(Sad and Useless)2018-02-24   [Sports] I’ll see your Faces of Olympic Divers and raise you Faces of Olympic Figure Skaters (32)
(Salt Lake Tribune)2018-02-21   [Main] Cinemark bans large bags from entering their theaters. In related news, submitter needs to change plans for his date with your mom tomorrow (60)
(The New York Times)2018-02-21   [Main] NYT columnist has a brilliant idea: If credit card companies would all refuse to allow gun purchases, all our problems will disappear in a puff of magical unicorn farts (140)
(The Nation)2018-02-08   [Main] This just in: If you’re white, you’re racist. If you’re white and you never do, say or think anything racist and you treat everyone equally and fairly–well, then you’re super-duper racist because you’re just avoiding your racism (228)
(Snopes)2018-02-07   [Geek] No, Facebook isn’t using an algorithm that limits your feed to only a few friends. The problem is you just don’t have any friends (21)
(Yahoo)2018-02-07   [Geek] Scientists reconstruct “Cheddar Man,” the first modern Briton; plan to display him at the county fair (61)
(Fox News)2018-02-02   [Entertainment] You didn’t expect a Marvel character to stay dead, did you? (43)
(Fox News)2018-01-24   [Main] Fox viewer: Hey lady: You have big ugly legs. Fox weather anchor: I have multiple sclerosis so I’m thankful every day that I can walk. But I’ll share your nice comment with everyone, ‘k? Bless your heart (186)
(Gizmodo)2018-01-23   [Main] Good news for stupid teens: Despite rumors, stores aren’t locking up Tide Pods to keep you from eating them. Bon appetit (61)
(Birth Movies Death)2018-01-22   [Discussion] I have no idea with you’re talking about, so here’s H.P. Lovecraft’s poem “Nemesis” sung to the tune of Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” (17)
(Google)2018-01-26   [Main] Photoshop other things you can do with Tide Pods (23)
(Daily Mail)2018-01-22   [Main] High school student shoots at a friend. The victim, a 15-year-old girl, was airlifted to a hospital with gunshot wounds. No word yet on who shot the hospital (85)
(Metro)2018-01-22   [Main] Donald Trump will no doubt be pleased to hear his name is the world’s most popular safeword, narrowly winning over “red” and, of course, “FLÜGGÅƎNKƋEČHIŒBØLSȆN” (67)
(Mashable)2018-01-17   [Main] Hawaii’s Emergency Management Agency insists an employee pushed the wrong button and they weren’t hacked. But then there’s this news photo showing the system’s password written on a sticky note. Can’t we just go back to blaming Trump? (156)
(Las Vegas Review Journal)2018-01-11   [Main] Las Vegas man arrested after attacking his daughter with a jar of cheese dip. To be fair, it was Doritos cheese dip, so it’s not like anyone was going to eat it (15)
(National Review)2018-03-05   [Politics] “Why the Left Won’t Win the Gun-Control Debate.” TL;DR: They can’t persuade a rational, reasonable adult who’s experienced a threat that they’re safer without effective means of self-defense (616)
(Miami Herald)2018-03-02   [Main] Poland sends Germany a bill for World War II: A mere $850 billion (110)
(Business Insider)2018-02-26   [Business] Activists: “Cut ties with the NRA.” FedEx: “It’s possible to do business with someone even if you don’t agree with everything they do. Grow up” (141)
(The Atlantic)2018-02-24   [Geek] Trauma doctor who treated Parkland victims was horrified to realize rifles tend to make worse wounds than handguns (157)
(Sad and Useless)2018-02-24   [Sports] I’ll see your Faces of Olympic Divers and raise you Faces of Olympic Figure Skaters (32)
(Salt Lake Tribune)2018-02-21   [Main] Cinemark bans large bags from entering their theaters. In related news, submitter needs to change plans for his date with your mom tomorrow (60)
(The New York Times)2018-02-21   [Main] NYT columnist has a brilliant idea: If credit card companies would all refuse to allow gun purchases, all our problems will disappear in a puff of magical unicorn farts (140)
(The Nation)2018-02-08   [Main] This just in: If you’re white, you’re racist. If you’re white and you never do, say or think anything racist and you treat everyone equally and fairly–well, then you’re super-duper racist because you’re just avoiding your racism (228)
(Snopes)2018-02-07   [Geek] No, Facebook isn’t using an algorithm that limits your feed to only a few friends. The problem is you just don’t have any friends (21)
(Yahoo)2018-02-07   [Geek] Scientists reconstruct “Cheddar Man,” the first modern Briton; plan to display him at the county fair (61)
(Fox News)2018-02-02   [Entertainment] You didn’t expect a Marvel character to stay dead, did you? (43)
(Fox News)2018-01-24   [Main] Fox viewer: Hey lady: You have big ugly legs. Fox weather anchor: I have multiple sclerosis so I’m thankful every day that I can walk. But I’ll share your nice comment with everyone, ‘k? Bless your heart (186)
(Gizmodo)2018-01-23   [Main] Good news for stupid teens: Despite rumors, stores aren’t locking up Tide Pods to keep you from eating them. Bon appetit (61)
(Birth Movies Death)2018-01-22   [Discussion] I have no idea with you’re talking about, so here’s H.P. Lovecraft’s poem “Nemesis” sung to the tune of Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” (17)
(Google)2018-01-26   [Main] Photoshop other things you can do with Tide Pods (23)
(Daily Mail)2018-01-22   [Main] High school student shoots at a friend. The victim, a 15-year-old girl, was airlifted to a hospital with gunshot wounds. No word yet on who shot the hospital (85)
(Metro)2018-01-22   [Main] Donald Trump will no doubt be pleased to hear his name is the world’s most popular safeword, narrowly winning over “red” and, of course, “FLÜGGÅƎNKƋEČHIŒBØLSȆN” (67)
(Mashable)2018-01-17   [Main] Hawaii’s Emergency Management Agency insists an employee pushed the wrong button and they weren’t hacked. But then there’s this news photo showing the system’s password written on a sticky note. Can’t we just go back to blaming Trump? (156)
(Las Vegas Review Journal)2018-01-11   [Main] Las Vegas man arrested after attacking his daughter with a jar of cheese dip. To be fair, it was Doritos cheese dip, so it’s not like anyone was going to eat it (15)
(The Hill)2018-01-07   [Politics] Michael Moore threatens to start fracking offshore close to Mar-a-Lago. He even has a nice photo of the fracking truck he’s going to use. The truck he plans to use for his offshore drilling (71)
(Fox News)2018-02-02   [Entertainment] You didn’t expect a Marvel character to stay dead, did you? (43)
(Fox News)2018-01-24   [Main] Fox viewer: Hey lady: You have big ugly legs. Fox weather anchor: I have multiple sclerosis so I’m thankful every day that I can walk. But I’ll share your nice comment with everyone, ‘k? Bless your heart (186)
(Gizmodo)2018-01-23   [Main] Good news for stupid teens: Despite rumors, stores aren’t locking up Tide Pods to keep you from eating them. Bon appetit (61)
(Birth Movies Death)2018-01-22   [Discussion] I have no idea with you’re talking about, so here’s H.P. Lovecraft’s poem “Nemesis” sung to the tune of Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” (17)
(Google)2018-01-26   [Main] Photoshop other things you can do with Tide Pods (23)
(Daily Mail)2018-01-22   [Main] High school student shoots at a friend. The victim, a 15-year-old girl, was airlifted to a hospital with gunshot wounds. No word yet on who shot the hospital (85)
(Metro)2018-01-22   [Main] Donald Trump will no doubt be pleased to hear his name is the world’s most popular safeword, narrowly winning over “red” and, of course, “FLÜGGÅƎNKƋEČHIŒBØLSȆN” (67)
(Mashable)2018-01-17   [Main] Hawaii’s Emergency Management Agency insists an employee pushed the wrong button and they weren’t hacked. But then there’s this news photo showing the system’s password written on a sticky note. Can’t we just go back to blaming Trump? (156)
(Las Vegas Review Journal)2018-01-11   [Main] Las Vegas man arrested after attacking his daughter with a jar of cheese dip. To be fair, it was Doritos cheese dip, so it’s not like anyone was going to eat it (15)