2012 Fark Greenlights

(FB Photos)
2012-12-23
  [Politics] Assault vehicles: They're black and scary and designed to do nothing but kill people. Besides, civilians don't NEED 470 horsepower. BAN THEM (380)
(NPR)
2012-12-11
  [Main] Why we need a California tag: California schools districts taking loans that are "the equivalent of payday loans." One district now owes more than $1 billion on a loan of $100 million. Way to go, professional smart people (169)
(MSNBC)
2012-12-08
  [Geek] This just in: You're more likely to die of cancer if you have cancer. Thanks, science (18)
(Yahoo)
2012-11-16
  [Geek] "Mars rover Curiosity set to hit the road again." You know, one of the many roads that crisscross Mars (17)
(Yahoo)
2012-10-30
  [Politics] Because when you think about comedy, the first name that comes to mind is Michelle Obama (75)
(USA Today)
2012-10-26
  [Main] PR execs, gay rights activists are shocked — SHOCKED — to realize that when most people want a chicken sandwich, they just want a chicken sandwich (462)
(Telegraph)
2012-10-26
  [Politics] "Why do European Obama-supporters think anyone in the United States remotely cares what they think?" (146)
(Some Demon)
2012-10-18
  [FarkUs] I don't know what Jesus would do, but I do know this is a great Satanic 404 page (volume warning) (16)
(Yahoo)
2012-10-18
  [Main] FARC party: November 15 — Havana, Cuba. Theme: Can't we all just get along? (3)
(Some Guy)
2012-10-17
  [Politics] 1. "…got us into this mess in the first place." 2. "I accept responsibility." One of these phrases has appeared on the White House website 86 times since last July. The other has appeared once. [Jeopardy music] (132)
(The American Spectator)
2012-10-16
  [Politics] Obama's trying to appeal to the moron vote. Unfortunately, there may not be enough morons out there to elect him (103)
(UPI)
2012-10-06
  [Main] School photo studio offers to touch up students' photos to remove cold sores, black eyes, etc. Parents are pleased, saying — just kidding. Actually they're furious (49)
(Politico)
2012-10-05
  [Politics] Obama cratered in the debate on purpose because he knows most people don't really care about political artifice. Seriously. No, really. Not making this up. Look, stop laughing — that's really what this says (203)
(Colorado Springs Gazette)
2012-09-27
  [Main] "A friend of a friend calls to say he found that friend with another friend's stolen car. Cue the arrival of the friend, with another friend, and her mother to hunt down the car-thief-friend." There's also crashes and stuff (35)
(National Journal)
2012-09-04
  [Politics] It's Tuesday: Time for the Democrats to start pretending the youth vote will save everyone (157)
(CBS San Francisco)
2012-09-04
  [Politics] California Democratic Party chairman says Republicans believe the Earth is flat, which makes them just like Joseph Goebbels, but Democrats don't lie like Republicans although sometimes they "embellish" (46)
(Daily Mail)
2012-09-03
  [Geek] Not news: NASA's working on a new type of airplane. News: It's the fastest supersonic ever. Fark: It flies sideways. GEEKGASM: And it looks like a ninja throwing star (36)
(Huffington Post)
2012-09-02
  [Video] "What is riskier than being poor in America?" How about sitting next to this talk show host as she loses her farking mind on the air? (118)
(Gizmodo)
2012-08-25
  [Main] Time machines are dangerous. Therefore, guns are too advanced for humans to be trusted with (385)
(Boulder Daily Camera)
2012-08-25
  [Main] Boulder physics professor wants to cancel classes if a student has a concealed weapons permit, saying it would dampen classroom debate. Because everyone knows gunfights often break out during physics debates (164)
(Some Guy)
2012-08-24
  [Politics] The Democrats continue resisting the GOP's war on women by announcing no babies will be allowed at the DNC (195)
(Gawker)
2012-08-29
  [Main] Theme: Restore a classic work of art Ecce-Homo style (LGT explanation) (49)
(Abc.net.au)
2012-08-23
  [Main] Today's headline that makes no sense no matter what order you arrange the words in: "Rabbitohs Drop Hooker Luke." Silly rabbitohs — hookers drop for Luke (38)
(Smh.com.au)
2012-08-23
  [Main] Sydney Seek– no, Shydney Sheik Killed. Dammit. Sydney Serious Din– Ahem. SYDNEY. SHE. KILLED. No, wait. Seriously FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU. *deep breath* Sheik ill in… Fark it: Some guy got killed in Syria (31)
(The New York Times)
2012-08-23
  [Main] This just in: Benjamin Franklin was a white woman (76)
(STLToday)
2012-08-23
  [Politics] New Math: 1. Todd Akin says something stupid and offensive. 2. The Democrats want him to drop out of the election. 3. So does Karl Rove. 4. Therefore, Rove is trying to fix the election (60)
(BBC)
2012-08-22
  [Main] Mr. Bean is alive and well and restoring old paintings in a Spanish church (97)
(Washington Examiner)
2012-08-21
  [Politics] Obama: "Nobody accused Mr. Romney of being a felon." And by "nobody," he means his deputy campaign manager, who accused Romney of being a felon. Twice (262)
(The Atlantic)
2012-08-20
  [Politics] And the panicgasm over Newsweek daring to publish something critical of Obama continues (141)
(Dallas Observer)
2012-08-18
  [Main] Pork Porn. Still waiting for a Food tag (30)
(Daily Mail)
2012-08-13
  [Entertainment] Because you were afraid you might have to suffer until the end of the day without seeing four or five pictures of Katy Perry's ass (Not safe for work) (128)
(Some Guy)
2012-08-07
  [Main] On Dec. 2, Bolivia will kick Coca-Cola out of the country to "celebrate the end of capitalism," Obama's re-election, peace in the Middle East, the end of global warming and your mom getting an honest job (59)
(Yahoo)
2012-07-28
  [Geek] Today's scientist who really needs to put down the bong publishes study demonstrating that animals would outperform humans if they were allowed to compete in the Olympics (60)
(NPR)
2012-07-26
  [Main] Farking magnets: How do they work? Well, first your precious snowflake swallows them, then you sue so no one can have Buckyballs any more (138)
(The Blaze)
2012-07-23
  [Main] When ABC hears the name of the Aurora shooter, they do what all good investigative journalists do: Immediately check the Tea Party website to see if he's a member. Surprisingly, he is. Sort of (130)
(Yahoo)
2012-07-23
  [Main] One of Holmes' guns was "an AK-47-type weapon." And you thought that "Journalist's Guide to Firearms" poster was a joke (404)
(Some Guy)
2012-07-23
  [Main] Aurora shooting victim was born with a benign defect that allowed a bullet to travel all the way through her brain without causing any damage (109)
(Yahoo)
2012-07-20
  [Geek] AIDS specialists announce new "jump-start" in the effort to find a cure. Step 1: Superglue Jenny McCarthy's mouth shut (26)
(The Daily)
2012-07-10
  [Politics] Obama and other Democrats may have received early leaks about SCOTUS' handling of the health-care case and used the info to try to sway Roberts. This can only end well (145)
(PennLive)
2012-07-02
  [Main] Atheist threatens to sue restaurant he's never been to for their Sunday church-bulletin discount program. Tag is for restaurant owner, who tells atheist he'll get over it (470)
(Politico)
2012-06-28
  [Politics] The executive director of the DNC reacts to the Obamacare ruling with all the quiet, gracious-in-victory dignity you'd expect: "IT'S CONSTITUTIONAL, BIATCHES" (462)
(Some Guy)
2012-06-28
  [Politics] This just in: Obama has lost the Canadian vote. But the other 56 states look pretty good (93)
(The Atlantic)
2012-06-28
  [Politics] Question: Why Is Nobody Listening to Jimmy Carter's Searing Critique of America? Answer: For the same reason we got tired of looking for nonexistent wolves (107)
(YouTube)
2012-06-25
  [Video] Da heat wave is s'pose be VERY POWERFUL (61)
(Colorado Springs Gazette)
2012-06-25
  [Main] The military steps in with C-130s to take on the Waldo Canyon fire just outside Colorado Springs. Go get 'em boys (253)
(Amazon)
2012-06-23
  [Geek] If you ever need to give a flying f**k, you can buy it here (31)
(Some Guy)
2012-06-15
  [Main] "Missouri Man Asks to Be Sentenced in Sex Slave Case." He says he's been very, very bad and needs to be punished (45)
(Denver Post)
2012-06-05
  [Main] There are certain precautions to take when transporting a can of gasoline. Strapping it into a baby seat isn't one of them. Leaving your baby on the seat next to it isn't either (36)
(Pixel Bark)
2012-06-05
  [Video] Best. Principal. EVER (128)
(Boston.com)
2012-06-04
  [Politics] Obama waxes nostalgic for John McCain, saying he's such a great guy it's a shame he was never president. Can I have some of whatever he's smoking? (48)
(Some Guy)
2012-06-02
  [Main] You know how sometimes you're at the lake in your spacesuit and you start craving pizza and a Pegasus suddenly delivers some from a Pizza Hut on a floating iceberg? I love it when that happens (60)
(Facebook)
2012-05-23
  [Main] Remember the 7th-degree black belt who can take away your gun faster than you can blink? His black belt skills apparently don't include getting a loaded pistol magazine through TSA (78)
(Fark)
2012-05-21
  [Main] I can always get ketchup to come right out of the bottle. What pointless superpower(s) do you have? (434)
(Some Guy)
2012-05-17
  [Video] You know how sometimes you're just minding your own business when a Lambourghini pulls over, a horse in a bikini jumps out and someone molests the horse with a rubber glove on a trombone? I hate it when that happens (61)
(Fark)
2012-05-07
  [Main] I'm eating some Braunschweiger for the first time in a couple of years. I'm sorry, Braunschweiger. None of those other deli meats mean anything to me. It's only you, Braunschweiger (272)
(UPI)
2012-04-23
  [Geek] Mmmmmmysterious hummmmmm in Canada commmmmming frommmmmm U.S (32)
(Some Guy)
2012-04-19
  [Main] "A Korean fishing boat sank in New Zealand waters nearly two years ago because it was not watertight, an expert witness testified." What would we do without experts? (28)
(Some Guy)
2012-04-12
  [Geek] Scientists calculate that as many as 100,000 WIMPs strike our bodies every year. Surprisingly, we don't even notice (26)
(Gizmodo)
2012-04-12
  [Geek] Meet the Chork: The unholy lovechild of a fork and chopsticks that will prevent WWIII (52)
(Telegraph)
2012-04-04
  [Politics] Great Moments in Socialized Medicine #9,190: British woman is ordered to find a different doctor from the one she's been seeing for 30 years because her 2-mile trips to see him are bad for the environment (422)
(Jalopnik)
2012-04-02
  [Main] Maryland car dealer will install $8 door guards on your new car for you. For $1,495 (166)
(Some Guy)
2012-04-01
  [Main] In related news, Colorado Springs is in the midst of a burger war (79)
(Statesman)
2012-03-31
  [Main] Lick… no, pump… punk… PUB. Lick laws. Public. Intosh, intop, intof… drunk laws. They're too fuc… whoops. Fum (hee hee) fuzzy. Crickets say. What? Critics. CRITICS. That's what they say (33)
(Mother Nature Network)
2012-03-31
  [Main] Questions you don't want to ask or have answered: "Could Obesity Be Cured by Injecting Our Guts With Fecal Bacteria From Ancient Mummies?" (60)
(The New York Times)
2012-03-28
  [Politics] "Is it wrong to have sex with a dead chicken? How about with your sister? Is it okay to defecate in a urinal? If your dog dies, why not eat it?" This are serious article. New York Times are serious paper (235)
(Yahoo)
2012-03-28
  [Politics] Obama's defense of his health-care plan: If people want it, it doesn't matter if it's unconstitutional (444)
(Some Guy)
2012-03-12
  [Main] Police find a body under a man's mobile home, say it's suspicious. Oh, c'mon — that's not fair. It's not like the guy was already in jail for robbing a pizza place with a machete or something, is it? Oh, wait (29)
(Salon)
2012-03-13
  [Main] "Dating With Narcolepsy." Yeah, it helps if you have a reputation for sleeping around (38)
(Some Guy)
2012-03-08
  [Politics] Your tax dollars at work: A Detroit grant helps low-income people buy business attire for job interviews. Two people, be exact. For a measly $5.5 million. Each (100)
(JSOnline)
2012-03-05
  [Main] "Steamed Customers Rebel." Baked customers say they don't care (55)
(Google)
2012-01-31
  [Geek] What happens if you Google "askew"? No, there's nothing wrong with your monitor (103)
(Some Guy)
2012-01-26
  [Main] There's everyday green, then there's "capital G Green," and then there's "your energy-efficient windows are melting your neighbor's Prius" Green (92)
(TheSpec.com)
2012-01-25
  [Main] Civil liberties professor says maybe, just maybe, the BBQ restaurant owner with signs saying he doesn't serve halal or Korean duck is making fun of kneejerk multiculturalism, and is not necessarily a racist monster (210)
(Some Guy)
2012-01-17
  [Main] You know how sometimes you're out tending the pasture in your garter belt and tutu and white gloves and then the lead singer for Heart ties you to a bale of hay and starts driving you around on a tractor? I HATE it when that happens (66)
(Some Guy)
2012-01-11
  [Main] "Bomb Explosion Destroys Bridge in Sulu." OH MY (35)
(Some Guy)
2012-01-09
  [Main] Comparing Michelle Obama to Marie Antoinette is racist because someone called her "Your Excellency" on Nickelodeon and Marie Antoinette was African-American. Or something like that (410)
(Deadspin)
2012-01-08
  [Main] If you need some ideas for your bucket list, how about crossdressing and chaining yourself to a Walgreens while wearing a ballgag? Three different times? (26)