2011 Fark Greenlights

(Some Guy)
2011-12-20
  [Main] Proving it's actually possible to have an IQ below zero, school officials discipline a student for taking bites from a pizza slice until it was shaped like a gun (270)
(Some Guy)
2011-12-01
  [Geek] YouTube redesign launches, prompting a huge yawn of outrage. You'll get over it (61)
(Fox Sports)
2011-12-01
  [Sports] Q: Why do we mock Tim Tebow? A: Because we're hypocritical assholes (256)
(Some Guy)
2011-12-01
  [Main] Things you don't expect to inherit from your 90-year-old blue-collar father: 1. Billions of dollars. 2. An oil company. 3. A storage unit with his 1,000+ dildo collection (language Not safe for work) (64)
(YouTube)
2011-11-30
  [Video] Five essentials of a good fight scene: 1. A furry in a chicken suit. 2. An English schoolboy. 3. A dominatrix. 4. A blow-up sex doll, and 5. A whip (34)
(Some Guy)
2011-11-25
  [Main] Protip: Cheat on your boyfriend AFTER you sign a consent form allowing him to tattoo anything he wants on your back (439)
(Huffington Post)
2011-11-17
  [Politics] This college professor says the First Amendment guarantees your right to A. Free speech. B. Be on the news. C. Convince everyone your opinions are correct. If you answered B and C, you can probably guess which college he works for (99)
(Some Guy)
2011-11-16
  [Main] "On the 17th, we're gonna burn New York City to the f***in' ground. You'll see what a Molotov cocktail can do to a Macy's." See what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps, New York? (314)
(Daily Mail)
2011-11-16
  [Geek] Google Earth circa 1909 (18)
(Cracked)
2011-11-15
  [Main] Bruce Lee dies and has a casket boner and then goes to hell, but he takes over and outlaws gambling and teaches Popeye kung fu and beats up Dracula. After that this gets a little weird (61)
(Some Guy)
2011-11-09
  [Main] Not news: Occupy Denver elects a leader to communicate with police and city officials. News: She's a dog. Fark: An actual four-legged canine dog (294)
(Mediaite)
2011-11-07
  [Main] Chicago Board of Trade tries to help Occupy Chicago protesters: They dump a bunch of McDonalds applications on them (659)
(Fark)
2011-11-06
  [Main] Subby just ate a McRib.Yes, we know they're made of cigarette butts and toxic waste and the sauce is made of unicorn blood and the tears of orphans and they cook it by lighting Lucifer's flatulence on fire. But darn it — it's tasty (458)
(CBS News)
2011-11-04
  [Geek] Freakish, disastrous weather — floods, drought, hurricanes — are caused by climate change. Oh, but not this huge winter storm (141)
(Some Guy)
2011-10-28
  [Main] Crash spills grapefruit on Grapefruit Blvd., divides by zero (35)
(Washington Times)
2011-10-26
  [Politics] The State Department has spent $70,000 to stock all its foreign embassies with hundreds of copies of Obama's memoir from 1995. Change we can believe in (204)
(New York Daily News)
2011-10-24
  [Main] OWSers complaining about homeless freeloaders showing up just for free meals, saying they feel entitled but don't want to contribute anything (372)
(Click Orlando)
2011-10-13
  [Politics] "Orlando Unveils Barack Obama Parkway." It runs in an endless loop, cost $4 trillion, has quicksand in the median and the only exit is straight into the ocean (135)
(The Hill)
2011-10-11
  [Politics] White House braces for defeat of jobs bill. Translation: It will be killed in the Democrat-controlled Senate, but that's Republicans' fault (165)
(Yahoo)
2011-10-02
  [Main] Hooters rival Twin Peaks accused of stealing "mounds" of sensitive business info to swipe their secret to success. Uh — how secret is "scantily-clad chicks serving cheap-ass food"? (117)
(Yahoo)
2011-09-28
  [Main] US and Europe: "WAAAH — DEBT CRISIS." Africa: "STFU and GBTW, whiners" (54)
(The New York Times)
2011-09-27
  [Politics] During the '92 campaign, Clinton made a point of executing a retarded man to prove he was tough on crime. B-b-b-ut Perry (143)
(LiveLeak)
2011-09-23
  [Video] Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. Or this lion (Not safe for work language) (57)
(NewsBusters)
2011-09-22
  [Politics] Alec Baldwin grieves over the Davis execution in the mature, rational manner we've come to expect from him: He curses out Michelle Malkin, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld on Twitter. Still no cure for Alec Baldwin (200)
(Reuters)
2011-09-23
  [Geek] Not news: Bill Clinton did something naughty. News: He stole a moon rock (36)
(Cracked)
2011-09-18
  [Main] If you're buying a Halloween costume this year, get it anywhere except from Germany (76)
(Some Guy)
2011-09-17
  [Sports] Missouri town demands KU drop its Jayhawk mascot because it promotes domestic terrorism. Also wants everyone else to stop capitalizing kansas and ku. No, really. Bonus: Non-gratuitous "butthurt" in first sentence (46)
(Some Guy)
2011-09-17
  [Politics] Author of "The Real Sarah Palin:" "Those who know her best like her least." Later in the same interview: "I never got close to her because her friends wouldn't talk to me" (107)
(The New York Observer)
2011-09-12
  [Politics] Democrats publish attack ad showing airliner about to crash into buildings in New York. Was that wrong? Should they not have done that? (134)
(Fox News)
2011-09-08
  [Politics] Pelosi is shocked — SHOCKED — that Republicans won't be airing a rebuttal to Obama's speech tomorrow. The fact that they'd be pre-empting the first NFL game of the season is irrelevant — they're just big meanies (120)
(NewsBusters)
2011-08-30
  [Politics] "Obama Speech Motivated People to Evacuate." A refreshing change, I guess — usually his speeches impact listeners (87)
(Bloomberg)
2011-08-30
  [Politics] Yes, I agree that Obama isn't a good tactician or communicator, that he let Congress push him around and he's not a leader. Other than that, PROVE he's a bad president (108)
(Washington Post)
2011-08-29
  [Main] Obama to Joplin schools, roads and bridges: Sorry; we need to pay for all the damage Irene didn't cause. No money for you (482)
(The Tennessean)
2011-08-26
  [Main] The latest thing you're doing to rape the planet: Owning a vintage Gibson guitar. Preaching about the environment while traveling via private jet still A-OK (168)
(Yahoo)
2011-08-24
  [Geek] Toddlers, Under Stand Complex Grammer Study Shows (44)
(UPI)
2011-08-16
  [Main] Now you know where Ramsay got the idea for "Hell's Kitchen" (47)
(The New York Times)
2011-08-16
  [Politics] Obama considers creating a new Department of Jobs to go along with the Department of Labor and the Department of Redundancy Department (244)
(Yahoo)
2011-08-11
  [Main] PETA wants to emigrate to a Vegan colony on Mars. In related news, submitter's considering donating to PETA for the first time ever (125)
(Some Guy)
2011-08-09
  [Politics] Journalist who started the Civility Project and who recently called Tea Partiers "terrorists" explains what uncivility is: Anything rude, mean-spirited, untrue, hateful or bigoted. Unless, of course, SHE says it (238)
(Some Guy)
2011-08-09
  [Geek] And the latest way you're inadvertently raping the planet is: Buying cheese. You heathen scum (42)
(BBC)
2011-08-09
  [Geek] "Spermless Mosquitoes Hold Promise to Stop Malaria." They also hold a great name for a band (5)
(Michelle Malkin)
2011-08-07
  [Politics] Obama's Department of Innovation literally cannot do anything. Look at the logo to see why (167)
(WWL)
2011-08-05
  [Main] "Van man in the can who ran down man he thought he fought." He did not fight him in a box; he did not fight him wearing socks. He did not fight him in the air; he did not fight him anywhere (20)
(MSNBC)
2011-08-05
  [Main] This just in: America's National Parks are racist (265)
(MSNBC)
2011-08-04
  [Main] MSNBC considering giving Al Sharpton his own show. Biologists wait with bated breath, saying it would be the first time a parasite ever became a host (167)
(Some Guy)
2011-07-27
  [Main] If you're jonesin' for a cupcake, by all means threaten to spray everyone at the cupcake store with HIV-tainted blood from a syringe (33)
(WSAZ)
2011-07-21
  [Main] Coppers cop to kleptos co-opting copper in their car, per conned customers. Cu later (48)
(Telegraph)
2011-07-14
  [Geek] "How to Become a Beekeeper." Well, 1. Get some bees, and 2. Keep them (48)
(CNN)
2011-07-13
  [Politics] No one is listening to anything Obama says. This, of course, is Ronald Reagan's fault (71)
(Washington Post)
2011-07-12
  [Main] Fact check: The politician's statement was "true, but false." That's wonderful, but it sucks (70)
(NYPost)
2011-07-08
  [Politics] "Weiner House Seat Will Be a Hot One," says frank source who relishes the chance to condiment on a brat who was the wurst Congressman in recent memory (38)
(Wall Street Journal)
2011-07-08
  [Politics] Twitter's 140-character delimitation, though sporadically vexatious, is an inexorable disincentive to magniloquence (22)
(Wall Street Journal)
2011-07-06
  [Main] Recent anti-pro-anti-anti- discrimination court finding is a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham (166)
(Huffington Post)
2011-06-27
  [Main] Actual Huffington Post headline: "Sean Hannity Is Right." In related news, MASS HYSTERIA, DESTRUCTION OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS, DOGS AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER (172)
(Yahoo)
2011-06-25
  [Sports] Traditional midnight solstice baseball game postponed. Seems the team from California was scared of the dark. Seriously (8)

2011-06-25
  [Main] According to police, the murderer was wearing a big gob of MS Paint on his head (71)
(Free Press)
2011-06-22
  [Main] Detroit schools submits plan to help improve 34 failing schools. Naturally, the teachers' union is delighted. Just kidding — they're threatening to punish any teacher who cooperates with the improvement plan (116)
(The Daily Caller)
2011-06-22
  [Main] Al Gore wants you to have fewer children so he can feel less guilty about his huge energy-sucking mansion (173)
(Some Guy)
2011-06-21
  [Main] Bad: You're in a Turkish prison. Good: Their Internet access is really fast (57)
(Daily Mail)
2011-06-16
  [Main] Great Moments in Socialized Medicine #4,901: NHS doctors decide whether to operate on breast tumors based on the patients' age. Before they meet the patients. Don't worry; you'll be fine as long as you're under 50 (156)
(Some Guy)
2011-06-14
  [Politics] Democratic Congressman introduces bill protecting rabbis' right to work for tips (365)
(Fox News)
2011-06-15
  [Politics] Obama knows what's wrong with the economy: It's those dad-blasted newfangled automatic ATM machine with their personal PIN numbers and such (287)
(Daily Mail)
2011-06-09
  [Main] Great Moments in Socialized Medicine #2,398: Hospital staff step over a dying man lying in a hallway for 10 solid hours, then finally drag his body across the floor into a room. In front of his family (225)
(The New York Times)
2011-06-08
  [Geek] The Earth is full, according to yet another population-reducing evangelist who wants someone else to leave first (75)
(Yahoo)
2011-06-05
  [Politics] White House: "This report we like is a much better economic indicator than that other report we don't like" (45)
(Yahoo)
2011-06-04
  [Main] No e-smoke, but some e-workplaces and e-localities are e-banning e-cigs anyway. Still no e-cure for -esticking e in front of e-everything (289)
(College Humor)
2011-05-31
  [Video] Most people expect there to be water in a water slide, not to mention the pool at the bottom. But most people aren't these guys (43)
(Telegraph)
2011-05-31
  [Geek] "The Metaphor Program" will examine cultures based on their choice of words in metaphors. Dan Rather thinks that's as goosey as a horny toad who just let the mule run off with the shotgun (43)
(Yahoo)
2011-05-31
  [Politics] "Democrats have not been immune to being caught inflagrante delicto." Why, as recently as 1989 Barney Frank was in a sex scandal. Bill Clinton snickers, unwraps a cigar (178)
(Yahoo)
2011-05-18
  [Main] If you're suing your brother for $110 million because you think he stole the Barnum & Bailey circus from you, it may not help your case if you scream obscenities when someone accidentally refers to you as "Mrs" (68)
(Mediaite)
2011-05-17
  [Politics] "Bill Maher: If You Celebrated Bin Laden's Death, You're Not Really A Christian." Still no cure for Bill Maher (803)
(The Chew Toy)
2011-05-08
  [Main] How to murder a piano (64)
(Guardian.com)
2011-05-06
  [Main] Bin Laden's mansion worth only 25 percent of what he paid for it, meaning he'll be underwater for a long time (113)
(Reuters)
2011-05-06
  [Main] Michael Moore claims there was a conspiracy to kill Osama bin Laden. Yes, a mysterious group of covert operators including Obama, SEAL Team 6, the CIA and many others (292)
(The New Yorker)
2011-05-03
  [Main] "Killing Osama: Was it Legal?" Hey, New Yorker: There's a huge hole in the ground right down the street from your office that says YES (49)
(Wall Street Journal)
2011-05-02
  [Politics] Bin Laden's death doesn't make Obama unbeatable in 2012. A foreign-policy victory doesn't preclude a one-term presidency: Just ask George H.W. Bush (148)
(Yahoo)
2011-04-26
  [Main] Stock photos that make no sense: I have no idea what you're talking about, so here's a dog with a doughnut on his head (54)
(KTLA)
2011-04-22
  [Main] Today's "Headline You'll Wish You'd Never Seen Award goes to: "Man says he ejaculated into a co-worker's water bottle because 'her lips had touched it' " (85)
(The Daily Caller)
2011-04-19
  [Politics] "Barney Frank Bares All for Playboy." Enjoy your breakfast (71)
(Fox News)
2011-04-12
  [Politics] "Texas Gov. Perry Pushing Electric Cars." Charge the batteries, dummy (27)
(Neatorama)
2011-04-10
  [Main] If you need someone to stuff a lion, spend a little extra and find a taxidermist with the "I've Seen a Lion Before" seal of approval (257)
(BBC)
2011-04-08
  [Geek] Arctic ice, which was supposed to be gone by now, then supposed to be gone by 2013, will now be gone by 2016. Until next year, when it will be gone by 2020. If we don't act now, by 2100 it will be gone by 2500. EVERYBODY PANIC. SLOWLY (123)
(Salon)
2011-04-08
  [Politics] Salon writer makes a friend in a weight-loss class and they get along famously until she discovers her friend is a Republican. Now she's struggling to be civil to her friend, given how intolerant and closeminded Republicans are (424)
(YouTube)
2011-03-30
Weird [Video] Your WTF, Norway? video for today (33)
(Atlanta Journal Constitution)
2011-03-28
Dumbass [Main] Every $1 increase in gas prices saves 11,000 lives. So with 300 million US residents, that means if gas cost $27,000 a gallon, no one will ever die. Yay math (91)
(FilmDrunk)
2011-03-24
Silly [Showbiz] Every Steven Seagal bone break, in chronological order and numbered for your convenience. You're welcome (26)
(Some Guy)
2011-03-24
Asinine [Main] TSA strikes again: They detain a father and son for being — wait for it — "too clean." Bonus: Gratuitous "right-thinking Americans" usage (268)
(Some Guy)
2011-03-23
Interesting [Geek] Firefox 4: A Resounding "Meh" (165)
(Some Guy)
2011-03-23
Sad [Showbiz] Elizabeth Taylor's last Tweet could make a container ship full of Prozac feel depressed (71)
(YouTube)
2011-03-23
Stupid [Video] You know how you run out of quarters at the car wash, so you stomp around in fury, pounding your fists on the equipment until you collapse in despair face-down in a puddle of suds? I hate it when that happens (49)
(YouTube)
2011-03-19
Cool [Video] Mister Rogers learns breakdancing. You knew he had street cred (40)
(Cracked)
2011-03-17
Obvious [Main] As anybody who has ever wistfully imagined Keith Olbermann and Bill O'Reilly fighting to the death over a pit of lava knows, most media outlets are biased (45)
(YouTube)
2011-03-17
Cool [Main] The most heart-rending performance of "Danny Boy" you'll see this St. Paddy's. If you can watch this without weeping you're not human (98)
(Metro)
2011-03-14
Weird [Main] Today's question you'll wish you'd never been asked: "Eggs boiled in children's urine to take the world by storm?" (125)
(BusinessWeek)
2011-03-12
Sick [Politics] Today's "You Filthy-Minded Pervert" headline award goes to: ""Brown Faces Sack Full of Nasty" (13)
(The New York Times)
2011-03-12
Fail [Politics] Paul Krugman never reads anything by conservative journalists, because he knows, without looking, that anything they say is wrong. Well spoken, sir (152)
(Some Guy)
2011-03-11
Stupid [Politics] It's unfair to ask Colorado Springs mayoral candidates questions. Why? Because Focus on the Family is just like a strip club. Not because they have strippers, but because both of them want to sponsor a manned flight to Jupiter. Got all that? (37)
(Some Guy)
2011-03-11
Dumbass [Main] Neighbor owes you $80? By all means, settle things by using a front-end loader to destroy his house, garage, trees and six antique cars. Oh, and be sure to wreck his propane tank and knock down the power lines (82)
(Some Guy)
2011-03-10
Stupid [Showbiz] Being parent is tough — you have to watch out for animated lizards enticing your kids to smoke (25)
(Politico)
2011-03-08
Fail [Main] Harry Reid wants you to know that if it wasn't for the National Endowment for the Humanities, tens of thousands of cowboys in Nevada would not exist. Wait, what? (62)
(Wall Street Journal)
2011-03-07
Amusing [Main] "Office Rents Dip on Park Avenue." Huh. I always just buy my dip (41)
(Metro)
2011-03-04
Sick [Main] Cow farts in a can just went on sale in Germany. I don't want to know how they do this (57)
(Daily Mail)
2011-03-04
Strange [Main] "Naked Therapist" says she encourages openness with her clients by slowly stripping naked during sessions. I feel some mommy issues coming up right now (187)
(Some Guy)
2011-03-04
Scary [Politics] This just in: The batshiat crazy lunatic running Libya has agreed to let the batshiat crazy lunatic running Venezuela help mediate things. This can only end well (43)
(Arizona Star)
2011-02-22
Fail [Main] Actual headline: "No American Needs the Bill of Rights." Oh, sorry; I misread that: "No Gun Owner Needs 30 Rounds in a Magazine" (757)
(Some Guy)
2011-02-19
Fail [Main] "The Myth of the Teen Brain." Subby KNEW those darn kids were brainless (60)
(Telegraph)
2011-02-16
Sick [Main] Great moments in socialized medicine: When people consider moving their elderly family members into puppy mills for better medical care and food, you might have a problem (391)
(Yahoo)
2011-02-14
Stupid [Sports] One of the country's top teen pitchers: He's got an 80-mph fast ball and has been featured by ESPN. Naturally, his team cuts him. Oh sure, he has no legs, but still (57)
(Reuters)
2011-02-09
Fail [Main] "Cambodian Anger Over Temple Not Exploding, for Now." Once the temple explodes things will calm down (18)
(The New York Times)
2011-02-09
Dumbass [Main] Paul Krugman, Jan. 28: "I won't post anything about the unrest in Egypt until I learn enough about it." Yesterday: "The unrest in Egypt is caused by global warming" (137)
(Yahoo)
2011-02-09
Stupid [Main] Taxes aren't as high as you think they are, "thanks to a weak economy." Well, okay then. Thanks, weak economy (61)
(Wall Street Journal)
2011-02-09
Asinine [Politics] Liberal legal professors respond to judge who declared Obamacare unconstitutional: "LAW LAW LAW — WE CAN'T HEAR YOU" (135)
(Some Guy)
2011-02-08
Fail [Main] "More Docs Doesn't Add Up to Happier Patients." Well, is okay, but was more nurse divide over to lesser expense billings? (100)
(Some Guy)
2011-02-05
Weird [Main] How do you beef up your resume when you're an attorney, director of child services and former JAG lawyer who handled the Abu Ghraib cases? Why, you impersonate a woman on a lesbian dating site, of course (28)
(Yahoo)
2011-02-03
Fail [Main] "How to Build a Progressive Tea Party." Next up: A conservative ACLU, an atheist Religious Right, Christian Freethinkers, smart journalists (233)
(Wall Street Journal)
2011-02-03
Interesting [Politics] Old and busted: "'Death panels'? ZOMGF how can Palin be so stupid?" New hotness: "Why was Palin the first person to point out you can't give everyone free insurance AND lower costs unless you reduce benefits?" (257)
(Sun Journal (Maine))
2011-01-31
Silly [Main] Maine legislators tackle today's most pressing issue: Should one-armed people be allowed to carry switchblades? (100)
(Some Guy)
2011-01-31
Spiffy [Main] We all know that people are far more likely to get shot in a house where the resident owns guns. Like these three punks, who tried to rob a 72-year-old gun owner (97)
(YouTube)
2011-01-31
Scary [Video]The creepiest video of a female robot eating a sausage you'll ever see. Not safe for work, sanity (10)
(Some Guy)
2011-01-30
Unlikely [Geek]This just in: Tobacco is so extremely overwhelmingly dangerous that even typing or saying the word "cigarette" will instantly rot your body with cancer ACK **thud** (153)
(Yahoo)
2011-01-27
Strange [Main]Bad: Valuable pedigreed stud cat missing. Good: Cat is found and returned. Bad: Someone neutered him. "I can hardly ask someone to sew them back on" (163)
(YouTube)
2011-01-26
Weird [Video]Your WTF video for the last 37,000 years (33)
(Wikipedia)
2011-01-21
Spiffy [Main]Turn a famous movie line, literary quote or other well-known phrase into a fortune cookie by adding the words "in bed" at the end (519)
(YouTube)
2011-01-19
Hero [Video]Dear Hollywood wussies still sniveling about Ricky Gervais: Don Rickles would have nuked you all into grease spots before Reagan quit laughing at himself (59)
(Some Guy)
2011-01-18
Weird [Main]You know how you stab a guy for lending you a cheap cigarette, then go on probation and quit drinking, but then go to a pig roast and the same guy shows up and puts out your left eye with a beer bottle? I hate it when that happens (42)
(New York Daily News)
2011-01-11
Hero [Main]Japanese airline becomes the first ever to offer draft beer during flights. Next up: Mile High Kegstand Club (70)
(Yahoo)
2011-01-10
Sad [Main]Lizzie Borden museum gets the ax (76)
(Yahoo)
2011-01-10
Ironic [Main]Dan Rather says he would have been more careful about airing reports saying Giffords was dead until he had a reliable source. Like an anonymous 35-year-old fax, for instance (101)
(Important Media)
2011-01-09
Asinine [Main]Growing vegetables in your own garden on your own land? Sorry, citizen — that's a $5,000 fine (167)
(Daily Mail)
2011-01-08
Stupid [Main]The YWCA changes its name because having Christian in the name "no longer represents who we are." The new name: Platform 51. Yeah, that's real representative (58)
(Yahoo)
2011-01-07
Stupid [Politics]Last year some guy lit a trash fire and accidentally burned his house down. This, of course, means that the GOP wants to wear KKK hats and repeal the 14th Amendment. Or something (201)
(Some Guy)
2011-01-06
Hero [Main]Egyptian Muslims gather to form human shield to protect Christmas Eve mass. Wow (195)
(Wall Street Journal)
2011-01-03
Interesting [Politics]Why are peaceniks such idiots? 1. Because pacifism is stupid. 2. And because it risks absolutely nothing (251)