| (Some Guy) 2009-12-31 |
 |
[Politics] The Palins were hounded off Maui, Nancy Pelosi's on the Big Island but no one knows how, Limbaugh's in the hospital in Honolulu and Obama's hiding in a bunker after a surfer got hurt. The crazy is strong in Hawaii | (58) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-12-31 |
 |
[Main] Great Moments in Socialized Medicine #2,739: Cut off your ring finger? No problem: The nearest hospital will let you share a cab to another hospital three hours away, where they'll cheerfully throw the severed finger away for you | (244) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-12-26 |
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[Politics] Story: "The man arrested with several guns and boxes of ammo near the Capitol obviously planned no crimes of any kind." Headline: BUT HE WORKED FOR BUSH | (270) |
| (Huffington Post) 2009-12-27 |
 |
[Politics] Unlike Bush, who abrogated his responsibilities every time he felt like mowing the yard in Crawford, Obama is "actively monitoring" yesterday's terrorist attack. By phone. From Hawaii. Thank God he's on the ball | (552) |
| (Metro) 2009-12-24 |
 |
[Main] Rock On, Naked Stock Photography Guy (SFW) | (54) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-12-23 |
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[Main] Today's Incoherent Headline Award goes to: "Recipe for Oscar Nom Trash Middle Tea-Bagging America." Om nom nom | (72) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-12-22 |
 |
[Geek] "I can stop global warming. All I need is a really long hose and $250 million worth of farts" | (78) |
| (El Paso Times) 2009-12-21 |
 |
[Main] Mexican army finds 3 tons of marijuana in truck. After confiscating the 2 tons of marijuana, local police need several vans to haul all 800 pounds of it; say the 50 pounds placed in evidence is worth almost 50,000 pizzas. I mean, dollars | (102) |
| (News.com.au) 2009-12-21 |
 |
[Main] "World air passenger traffic plunges." In related news, ship traffic sinks, road traffic crashes, train traffic gets derailed, bike traffic goes flat and foot traffic gets cut off at the knees | (91) |
| (National Review) 2009-12-18 |
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[Politics] Passing the health bill would be like calling 911, getting a bill immediately, then waiting four years for an ambulance to show up | (124) |
| (Wall Street Journal) 2009-12-17 |
 |
[Politics] Obama warns that if Congress doesn't pass Obamacare, the nation's going to go bankrupt. What he didn't mention is that if we don't reduce the deficit and cut spending it's going to go bankrupt regardless |
(207) |
| (CBS News) 2009-12-17 |
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[Main] The national debt has, "at least numerically," surpassed the new limit set by Congress just last week. "At least numerically"? Do we owe New Zealand a couple billion tons of sheep or something, too? |
(163) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-12-15 |
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[Geek] Bruce Lee vs. Spider-Man. Why, no; it's not a cruddy video mashup. Here comes the science |
(72) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-12-11 |
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[Geek] Lin Rong had the fingerprints from her left hand grafted on to her right to help her fool biometric scanners and sneak into Japan. She got caught anyway, proving you still need at least one right to make a Rong |
(35) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-12-10 |
 |
[Main] Ric Romero calls out Farkers, dares them to help him with a Christmas toy drive |
(433) |
| (News.com.au) 2009-12-10 |
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[Geek] Al Gore claims the most recent of the ClimateGate e-mails is 10 years old. In related news, it's 2019 and no one but Al Gore noticed |
(299) |
| (The Hill) 2009-12-10 |
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[Politics] Obama demands Republicans stop scaring people, saying that's Democrats' job. Besides, he has charts showing everything is improving. As every Farker knows, charts bring stupid arguments to a screeching halt |
(105) |
| (Metro) 2009-12-06 |
 |
[Main] Some people lift huge weights. Some people pull trains with their teeth. And then there's this guy (w/cringeworthy photo) |
(86) |
| (Forbes) 2009-12-06 |
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[Geek] You know how some older folks claim scientists predicted a coming ice age back in the '70s, while others insist either that never happened or it was just a few fringe kooks? Yeah, about that |
(436) |
| (Arizona Star) 2009-12-03 |
 |
[Main] "Thieves in Calif. Steal $100,000 in Toys, Food From Poor." In related news, in California you can stockpile a hundred grand in food and toys and still be classified poor |
(91) |
| (Metro) 2009-12-03 |
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[Main] Today's Q&A that's absolutely factual, yet also 100% incoherent: Q. How much is a hobbit? A. Depends on whether you're buying wheat or oats |
(35) |
| (Examiner) 2009-12-03 |
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[Main] Chinese news agency does hilarious CGI reenactment of the Tiger Woods incident. Starring Barbie as Mrs. Woods and the love child of George Takei and Denzel Washington as Tiger |
(87) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-12-02 |
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[Main] Police can't decide if death of Iranian whistleblower was murder or suicide. Because lots of folks like a whole bottle of blood pressure medication on their salad |
(50) |
| (Washington Times) 2009-11-30 |
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[Politics] The health bill, which wasn't going to cover illegals, then absolutely would not cover illegals, then would freeze hell solid before it covered illegals, then I totally pinky-promise will not ever cover illegals, is going to cover illegals |
(557) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-11-28 |
 |
[Politics] In today's episode of ACORN, that wacky new sitcom: California's AG orders ACORN to release relevant documents. Oops — ACORN can't find them. But in a wacky series of events, they turn up in a dumpster. In South Dakota |
(98) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-11-24 |
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[Main] School district initiates hiring freeze.* (*Except for teachers, principals, assistant principals, cafeteria managers, school police officers, bus drivers, teachers' assistants, education aides and special education assistants) |
(50) |
| (Gizmodo) 2009-11-24 |
 |
[Geek] "Shockwaves to the Crotch Treat Erectile Dysfunction." Scientists say it's like having your crotch stepped on by a women in stiletto heels, but not at all painful. With SFW but terrifying photo goodness |
(31) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-11-24 |
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[Main] "Gunfight at Chicken World Leaves One Dead." Looks like someone went off half-cocked, but I think this reporter still deserves a Pullet Surprise |
(51) |
| (Huffington Post) 2009-11-24 |
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[Politics] Democrats want to resurrect a government hiring program they used to help the economy in 1978. Remember how terrific the economy was in '78? And how well Democrats did in the '78 and '80 elections? You do? They apparently don't |
(123) |
| (National Review) 2009-11-24 |
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[Main] NYT, last year: "Check out these e-mails hacked from a Palin campaign staffer." Last week: "ClimateGate? Sorry; we will not publish illegally obtained e-mails." Bonus: BBC also tried to squash the story for two weeks |
(870) |
| (Gizmodo) 2009-11-24 |
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[Geek] The coolest slow-shutter shots you'll see today |
(62) |
| (Metro) 2009-11-24 |
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[Main] If you get lost while going out to get your morning paper, don't be like this guy — ask for directions BEFORE you're 370 miles from home |
(41) |
| (Some Guy?) 2009-11-22 |
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[Politics] Which of these makes the least sense? 1. "Diversity is a strength." 2. "Chocolate pudding is dramatic irony." 3. "Nicolas Cage is a two-cycle engine" |
(230) |
| (Gizmodo) 2009-11-19 |
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[Geek] Google unveils Chrome OS. Geekspasm time |
(96) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-11-19 |
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[Geek] "In Amazon, a frustrated search for cancer cures." They should try Borders or Barnes & Noble, then |
(17) |
| (Huffington Post) 2009-11-17 |
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[Main] Jessica Alba pounds the pavement in the halls of Congress for education funding. With pictures of what a Jessica Alba asking Hillary Clinton sign her ball might look like. Bonus: Caption Contest (w/voting) |
(170) |
| (LiveLeak) 2009-11-14 |
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[Video] I'll see your "Idiot drives Bugatti Veyron into a lake" video and raise you a "Top Gear drives a Bugatti Veyron at 249 MPH" video |
(47) |
| (Google) 2009-11-15 |
 |
[Politics] Obama to Congress: "You're not cops, so please GTFO of any Ft. Hood investigations until the real cops are done" |
(192) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-11-13 |
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[Main] If you're the guy who stole the "2,554 Miles to Barstow" sign for the dozenth time, North Carolina would like a word with you. And that word is "Uncle" |
(186) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-11-14 |
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[Geek] Climate change is rDING… The sheriff is a nDING… Look out– the sky is fDING… Snape kills DumbleDING… We're all gonna die in a fDING… Soylent Green is pDING…. Imma let you finish, but BeyDING |
(59) |
| (CBS News) 2009-11-11 |
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[Politics] The White House issued this correction: President Obama has not made a decision about Afghanistan. Those responsible for sacking those who said he made up his mind about something have been sacked |
(67) |
| (Telegraph) 2009-11-10 |
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[Main] We miss George Bush because Obama has been attacked by a vampire. Or something like that |
(358) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-11-09 |
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[Main] "Liquor Store Clerk Held Up by Screwdriver." No word on what the screwdriver used for a weapon |
(52) |
| (YouTube) 2009-11-06 |
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[Video] Electric banana sharpener. No, this is not a euphemism, ya pervy wanker |
(23) |
| (Telegraph) 2009-11-05 |
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[Main] Great moments in socialized medicine #2,802: More violent crimes are committed in Britain's hospitals by staff than almost anywhere else in the country |
(112) |
| (Daily Mail) 2009-11-04 |
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[Geek] Scientists baffled by strange condition that's making bears lose all their fur, and SWEET ERUCTATING CTHULHU ON A PIMPED-OUT POGO STICK — WTF??? |
(98) |
| (New Scientist) 2009-11-04 |
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[Geek] Stun guns, Tasers, Taser shotguns — now everyone's worried about police injuring perps with a Taser grenade launcher. In related news, the cops would like to know if they could go back to just shooting people, please |
(41) |
| (YouTube) 2009-11-03 |
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[Video] "Brisket." "Oh." "Crevice." "Eh." "Crevasse." "Mm." "Cravat?" "Fff." "Tie?" "YES–THAT'S WORDWANG." Surprisingly, this clip is not from Japan |
(23) |
| (Telegraph) 2009-11-03 |
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[Main] Lost original Worcestershire sauce recipe found, prompting hopes of an upgrade to Bestershire |
(94) |
| (Drudge) 2009-11-02 |
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[Main] Obama's so skinny the White House is denying that he's chainsmoking. Translation: He's chainsmoking |
(473) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-11-02 |
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[Politics] Obamania: First I was all "W00T11," and then I was like "You go, O," but then I was kind of "Meh" and now I'm like mostly "Whatever" |
(140) |
| (Denver Post) 2009-10-31 |
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[Main] James Dobson will separate from Focus on the Family in February 2010. Keith Olbermann sighs, tears up a year's worth of unused "Worst Person in the World" rants |
(99) |
| (Metro) 2009-10-29 |
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[Geek] British woman finally on her feet again a year after sneezing and breaking her back. If this woman ever has an orgasm we're all dead |
(52) |
| (The Weekly Standard) 2009-10-29 |
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[Politics] A recent survey finds Republicans know more about current events than Democrats. Weekly Standard faults MSM for not reporting the survey results. MSM responds: "Survey? What survey?" Remember, kids: Media bias is imaginary |
(448) |
| (Bloomberg) 2009-10-28 |
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[Business] Actual headline: "Trial Dogs Fiat Family Firm as Heir Bets on Asia Fund." Well, you know what they say about the heir of the trial dogs that bet your Asia Fund |
(9) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-10-28 |
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[Politics] Obama is on the verge of drafting an RFP to form a committee to select a focus group to commission a poll to formulate a study to formalize a discussion to tap a brain trust to hire an action team to consider a decision about Afghanistan |
(195) |
| (MSNBC) 2009-10-28 |
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[Geek] Top three proofs scientist are just making stuff up: 1. We know what the whales are saying. 2. Time travelers are sabotaging the LHC. 3. Butterflies have ears on their wings |
(51) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-10-27 |
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[Politics] Old and busted: "Bush has forgotten about Afghanistan." New hotness: "Obama has forgotten about Iraq" |
(58) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-10-25 |
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[Showbiz] Leo DiCaprio has a $3,200 toilet. Tobey Maguire forbids leather in his house. Adrian Grenier insulates his apartment with old pants. Jennifer Aniston takes 3-minute showers. What are YOU doing to save the planet, heathens? |
(174) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-10-25 |
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[Politics] "Newsweek's Jacob Weisberg won't appear on Fox. Since Weisberg's a 107-pound weasel with a speech impediment, that's like him refusing to be in the next "Ocean's Eleven" movie with George Clooney" |
(216) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-10-24 |
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[Main] Cracked ramps at Yankee Stadium — or to put it in more familiar terms, "10 Cracked Ramps That Can Kill You So Fast You'll Never Have Sex Again Without a Stapler and Four Chopsticks" |
(36) |
| (Wall Street Journal) 2009-10-23 |
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[Politics] Obama has reached that dreaded moment when the American public starts saying, "Don't tell us about the previous president anymore. YOU own this now; YOU fix it" |
(409) |
| (Denver Channel) 2009-10-23 |
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[Geek] Colorado launches Web site quiz to help assess swine flu symptoms. Doctors bracing for flood of patients who have swine flu, know which Star Wars character they are, have Captain Underpants pseudonyms and are 69% kinky |
(9) |
| (Telegraph) 2009-10-23 |
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[Geek] Twitter's co-founder, Evan Williams, talks exclusively to the Daily Telegraph about the future of search and plans for improving the micro-b (0) |
(14) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-10-22 |
 |
[Video] "Say Pillow." Must… not… pass out… from… cuteness-provoked… diabetes |
(32) |
| (RedOrbit) 2009-10-23 |
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[Main] Vermønt farmer adøpts møøse, feeds it jelly dønuts. Natürally, state øfficials are ørdering him to get rid øf it. Mind you, state øfficials kan be pretty stüpid |
(64) |
| (Washington Post) 2009-10-21 |
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[Main] This is how people get blase about cruelty: First we tolerate waterboarding; now we're forcing foreign leaders to spend 20 hours listening to John Kerry talk |
(40) |
| (BBC) 2009-10-21 |
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[Main] So what happened was this lady fell in love with a guy online, so she fed her husband Honry Goat Weed, took him out in the woods and stabbed him, then asked a passerby to watch him while she went to meet the Internet guy. The Aristocrats |
(84) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-10-21 |
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[Main] Making coffee naked at 5:30am in your own kitchen? That's a year in jail |
(501) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-10-21 |
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[Main] If your neighbor's football lands in your yard, you might want to settle for a stern "Get off my lawn." In any case, you should avoid biting off his lips |
(38) |
| (Spiegel) 2009-10-19 |
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[Main] Obama's too busy to attend a ceremony celebrating the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. Besides, it would be a frivolous use of the office of the president |
(410) |
| (Metro) 2009-10-19 |
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[Main] Couple gets married in strip club. To keep the classy bar high, they had their reception at Hooter's, then rode in the back of a manure truck to their honeymoon at a pay-by-the-hour hotel with a vibrating bed |
(99) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-10-19 |
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[Main] American flag sticker on your firefighters' locker? That's a suspendin' |
(312) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-10-18 |
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[Main] Swedish town burns rabbit carcasses for heat. Surprisingly, PETA has a problem with this. Mayor's three-part response: 1. STFU. 2. Why don't you care about people being cremated? 3. So STFU |
(217) |
| (CNN) 2009-10-17 |
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[Main] The president of the Maldives and his cabinet sign a bill 16 feet underwater to "send a message." Media says "Meh — try a shiny balloon next time" |
(115) |
| (Boston Globe) 2009-10-16 |
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[Main] North Dakota man says someone stole his cat and poured bleach in his aquarium. Also that there's a leg sticking out of his wood chipper |
(55) |
| (Huffington Post) 2009-10-15 |
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[Showbiz] An ostensiblly erudite scribe catechizes a perspicacious and consummately cromulent dubiety: Why is Michael Moore's latest movie defalcating? Answer: It's Obama's peccancy |
(46) |
| (Daily Mail) 2009-10-12 |
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[Showbiz] Guy Ritchie confesses: "I still love Madonna, but she's retarded." There's your problem, Guy — you went full Madonna. Everyone knows you never go full Madonna |
(26) |
| (Tampa Bay Online) 2009-10-12 |
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[Geek] "Crack found in Crystal River nuclear plant." Nuclear plant swears this dude just asked him to hold it |
(52) |
| (Miami Herald) 2009-10-12 |
 |
[Showbiz] …so here's a photo of Dave Barry with Steve Martin's salad |
(24) |
| (Telegraph) 2009-10-09 |
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[Geek] Scientists say their experiment to reduce global warming would have worked if it was warmer outside |
(17) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-10-06 |
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[Main] Llama llikes lliving allone, lloafing allong footlloose on Pikes Peak after llion killlls its mother. I know, know — llame headlline |
(62) |
| (YouTube) 2009-10-04 |
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[Video] How do you throw a butterknife at 2 miles an hour, anyway? And you thought the special effects in "Plan 9 From Outer Space" were bad |
(45) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-10-03 |
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[Showbiz] "Capitalism" enjoys a $1.5 mil opening. Whew. Would have been embarrassing if it was making any money |
(225) |
| (CNSNews) 2009-10-03 |
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[Main] What it's like trying to read the health bill: "The governenemt is for responsive of the most happy Dr. of the healthing cost raisings, not the after insrance and hospittle to the surgeryons, as writed to p. 17s." Except worse |
(53) |
| (USA Today) 2009-10-01 |
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[Main] "Hey, U.S.: Are firms rehiring or are you just happy to see me?" |
(174) |
| (Seattle Times) 2009-10-01 |
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[Main] So did the forks shoot anyone, or did someone stab the shooters, or what? And don't even ask who got arrested |
(36) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-10-01 |
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[Main] "Venus Smile Celebrates National Breast Cancer Awareness Month With Free Teeth Whitening." Britain responds by celebrating Dental Care Month with free breast enlargements |
(37) |
| (The Sun) 2009-09-29 |
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[Main] "Sexual surrogate" insists paying for sex isn't prostitution if it's done in a healing, therapeutic environment. In related news, submitter's going to go buy a lab coat and stethoscope and do some cruising |
(144) |
| (New York Daily News) 2009-09-29 |
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[Politics] Ex-candidate's ex-mistress excoriated extravagantly by ex-cancer patient over excessive execrable extramarital excuses. Excellent |
(53) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-09-28 |
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[Main] "Zimbabwean Plunges to Death to Save Tourist." Experts note that plunging to death is even worse than flushing to death |
(72) |
| (ABC) 2009-09-27 |
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[Main] Wildlife officials instruct a bunch of gun-fearing environmentalist limousine liberals to "be mean to bears." Yes, that's an actual quote. What could possibly go wrong? |
(169) |
| (Statesman) 2009-09-26 |
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[Main] Austin police are ready to start suing people who pretend to be other people online. I say bring it on, punks. –Drew |
(95) |
| (SFGate) 2009-09-25 |
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[Geek] Doctors sue KFC, claiming the grill marks on grilled food cause cancer. The plaintiffs face two obstacles: They already lost a similar case against McDonald's, and they're all idiots |
(104) |
| (Huffington Post) 2009-09-25 |
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[Politics] The House voted to defund ACORN because Jon Stewart is a wimp. Wait, what? |
(198) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-09-24 |
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[Main] "Can I Recycle Wine Corks?" Answer: Sure — they're great for diarrhea, saving dams, cleaning out navel lint and shutting up the cat |
(136) |
| (Washington Post) 2009-09-24 |
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[Main] When they came for the Hummers, I said nothing because I drive an '86 Honda. When they came for the bottled water, I said nothing because I drink beer. Then they came for the toilet paper |
(292) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-09-23 |
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[Main] "Grocery union workers expected to reject lastest offer," say they want morer money and the mostest benefits |
(154) |
| (People Magazine) 2009-09-23 |
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[Showbiz] ♫ All the leaves are brown ♫ And the sky is gray ♫ So I'll sleep with my daughter ♫ Every single daaaaaaaaay ♫ |
(213) |
| (Metro) 2009-09-23 |
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[Main] It's a SFW X-ray of a 6-inch knife embedded in a woman's buttock, your argument is invalid |
(115) |
| (Metro) 2009-09-22 |
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[Main] How to avoid a weekend drinking with shot-clogs only to end up crambazzled, plus other quite ostrobogulous, yet perfectly cromulent words |
(31) |
| (WCBStv.com) 2009-09-22 |
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[Main] Four punks try to rob 88-year-old WWII vet, accidentally open a very large can of Acute Failure of the Victim Selection Process |
(111) |
| (The Hill) 2009-09-20 |
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[Politics] Obama wants to talk about a newspaper bailout bill. Also a telegraph bailout, oil lamp bailout, Pony Express bailout, vinyl LP and 8-track tape bailout, ZIP drive bailout and coal-fired locomotive bailout |
(340) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-09-18 |
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[Video] Batman whines about how hard it is to find an open lane at Wal-Mart when all you need is some Sprite, Tic-Tacs and toilet paper |
(19) |
| (Some Wormwood) 2009-09-18 |
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[Showbiz] Get ready to geek out: Andy "Gollum" Serkis plays Screwtape in a new audio drama (not just a book on tape) of "The Screwtape Letters" |
(21) |
| (Christian Science Monitor) 2009-09-16 |
 |
[Geek] Scientists worried that pythons might mutate into a giant man-eating swamp coil. In related news, "Man-Eating Swamp Coil" is either a great name for a band or a really disturbing euphemism |
(21) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-09-16 |
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[Main] Austrian construction workers flee for their lives when a naked blonde rushes at them, screaming "Who wants me?" Bunch of girly men |
(141) < |
| (Yahoo) 2009-09-16 |
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[Main] Actual headline: "5 Items Will Consumer 50% of Your Income." Well, okaying, but I expectish I'll be earningest 15 percentage more moneyed befores muchly longerestingishly |
(163) |
| (BBC) 2009-09-15 |
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[Geek] "Genes Blamed for Early First Sex," although lack thereof, along with panties, is usually the real critical factor |
(44) |
| (Google) 2009-09-15 |
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[Main] Actual headline: "Sen More US Roops Shows Commitment to Afghan War." Sen Roops? Ruh-roh |
(103) |
| (Salon) 2009-09-15 |
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[Politics] First paragraph: "Opposition to Obama is racist." 10th: "There's no proof debate over Obamacare is racist." 11th: "In fact, most of it is political." 13th: "And most of it comes from Democrats" |
(280) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-09-11 |
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[Geek] After years of tireless work, the "Liquid Stone" study group at MIT has finally decoded the molecular structure of cement. Which has apparently been a closely guarded secret until now |
(41) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-09-11 |
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[Politics] Obama's latest Web site at taxpayer expense asks people to send in "your ideas about why we need health care reform." Because apparently the government doesn't have any ideas of its own |
(89) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-09-11 |
 |
[Main] Pro-life activist shot and killed in Michigan |
(1187) |
| (Metro) 2009-09-09 |
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[Main] Speedo-wearing burglar nabbed by police dog — bit him right in the Spandex, know what I mean, know what I mean? |
(35) |
| (Metro) 2009-09-09 |
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[Main] Doctors, nurses suspended for playing "Lying Down Game." Includes helpful photo of boy waiting to get his butt ironed |
(148) |
| (Metro) 2009-09-09 |
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[Main] If you're reading this, the world may not have ended today |
(181) |
| (Daily Mail) 2009-09-08 |
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[Main] Patients with osteoporosis could be treated with a once-a-year injection to help keep their bones from breaking. But not in Britain, where a government agency notes casts are just plain cheaper. Bonus: The agency is called NICE |
(108) |
| (Wall Street Journal) 2009-09-08 |
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[Politics] Obama's "socialist" speech contained product placements for iPhone and XBox. Seriously |
(110) |
| (New York Daily News) 2009-09-04 |
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[Showbiz] Whitney Houston's normally CRYSTALline voice goes to POT, CRACKs during performance, fueling speculation that she needs a new training METHod. No word on why it happened |
(22) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-09-03 |
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[Main] "Deputies: Woman Beats Mother With Candlestick." Was it in the library or the conservatory? No clue |
(75) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-09-03 |
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[Main] Pandemic bill would allow health officials to enter homes without warrants. Health officials with body armor, clubs and riot gear, according to this article |
(162) |
| (Daily Mail) 2009-09-01 |
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[Geek] Britain's Met Office insists their "barbecue summer" prediction was correct, assuming you barbecue your food by pouring cold water on it for three months |
(35) |
| (Metro) 2009-09-01 |
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[Main] This story has it all: A girl in a bikini, her boyfriend with a camera, a perverted Polish Yeti, a great name for a rock band |
(77) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-09-01 |
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[Main] Australian guy claims his cat can talk. Bonus weirdness: But all it knows is George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words |
(50) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-08-31 |
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[Main] Actual headline: "A cleaner Cedar Rapids, 1 butt at a time." Now that's a nasty crack — I hope they wipe this headline |
(27) |
| (Jacksonville.com) 2009-09-01 |
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[Geek] British mom leading effort to establish proton therapy in Europe. Also to outlaw crossing the streams |
(40) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-08-31 |
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[Politics] Bill Clinton says not passing Obama's health bill "is the worst thing we can do for Democrats." Because this whole debate is about what's best for the Democratic Party, of course |
(146) |
| (Metro) 2009-08-29 |
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[Sports] A basketball player from China / Provoked his opponent, a whinah / Who complained that his height / Was too tall — is he right? / Or making excuses? Both, kinda |
(10) |
| (Dallas News) 2009-08-28 |
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[Geek] Experts announce it is unsafe for pregnant women to be struck by lightning. Thank God for experts |
(20) |
| (Wall Street Journal) 2009-08-27 |
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[Politics] Rush Limbaugh, March: "The DNC is going to call this "The Ted Kennedy Memorial Health Bill." DNC: "WHAARGARBL." DNC, this week: "Let's pass The Ted Kennedy Memorial Health Bill" |
(405) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-08-26 |
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[Main] "What's Wrong With Washington." Sorry, but an 800-word article can't even summarize a draft of an outline of the table of contents of a glossary of a card catalog of a book collection about what's wrong with Washington |
(22) |
| (BBC) 2009-08-26 |
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[Main] French security adviser kidnapped by Somali terrorist; surrenders three of them to death while he escapes |
(5) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-08-26 |
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[Main] Hezbollah: "Howdy neighbors — we're just gonna set up some mortars and rockets here so we can fire 'em at Israel." Lebanese: "How about no — does no work for you? GTFO" |
(177) |
| (Newsday) 2009-08-24 |
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[Politics] The Obamas, who disembarked Air Force One early this afternoon for a weeklong vacation on a 28-acre estate on Martha's Vineyard, announce in an article filled with photo-ops, that they'd appreciate privacy. Hey, good luck with that |
(74) |
| (Washington Times) 2009-08-21 |
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[Politics] Obama accuses Republicans of conspiring to thwart his health-care plan. Nothing slips past that guy |
(203) |
| (New Zealand Herald) 2009-08-18 |
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[Main] So this bloke is in trouble because he used up all his sick time at a tavern drinking beer. You know, I keep rereading this and I just can't see what the problem is |
(46) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-08-19 |
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[Main] Under Obama Care, if you fail to purchase adequate coverage, the IRS will litigate until your entire life is a smoldering crater. Isn't that encouraging? |
(570) |
| (Wall Street Journal) 2009-08-18 |
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[Politics] We are far from convinced that the White House takes online privacy very seriously, although we will concede that the White House takes the perception that the White House doesn't seem to take online privacy very seriously, seriously |
(66) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-08-18 |
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[Main] "Smelly House Leads to Dead Resident." So remember, kids — keep your room clean if you want to live |
(34) |
| (Breitbart.tv) 2009-08-14 |
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[Main] Lots of folks are AWs, but the lady who set herself on fire and then walked around at a mall is in a class by herself |
(266) |
| (Detroit News) 2009-08-13 |
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[Politics] Senator Debbie Stabenow (D-oh) says she knows global warming is real because "I can feel it when I'm flying." Also because of the pixels, and from having seen a lot of global warming in her day |
(96) |
| (Google) 2009-08-13 |
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[Politics] "US official gropes to explain Clinton's outburst." Grope, outburst… which Clinton are we talking about here? |
(29) |
| (CNN) 2009-08-13 |
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[Main] Turns out the question Hillary went off about the other day was mistranslated — the student meant to ask what Obama thought, not Bill Clinton |
(157) |
| (Denver Post) 2009-08-12 |
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[Geek] Colorado ranchers fight deadly cattle STDs with artificial insemination and virgin bulls. It's not nice to screw with Mother Nature |
(19) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-08-12 |
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[Politics] "Sotomayor Sworn In as 111th Justice." And you lefties said Obama wouldn't pack the courts |
(196) |
| (YouTube) 2009-08-09 |
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[Main] Behold — the cosmetics commercial that has 100,000 Swedes scared shaitless… for no apparent reason |
(305) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-08-07 |
|
[Main] New golf course has the latest in green features and hazards: sand traps, ponds, a human arm lying in the rough — wait, what? |
(43) |
| (FilmDrunk) 2009-08-07 |
|
[Showbiz] Here ya go: A headline that announces not only a totally unnecessary remake of "Enter the Dragon," but also that Bruce Lee had a gay affair with some Korean guy |
(25) |
| (Telegraph) 2009-08-07 |
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[Main] Dude, if you grope a Greek chick, but she tells you to stop it, let her go, man, because she might pour her drink down your pants and light your junk on fire |
(151) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-08-06 |
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[Main] American legal system now has the power to raise people from the dead. Or maybe I misunderstood this headline |
(54) |
| (CNN) 2009-08-06 |
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[Main] Anchor 1: "A Burger King manager called the cops because a mom's baby didn't have shoes." Anchor 2: "Well, there's two sides to every story." Anchor 1: "Not this time. The manager's an idiot" |
(454) |
| (Seattle Times) 2009-08-05 |
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[Main] Flatfoots ferret out fleeing fugitive in freezer. Dogs detect chillin' felon; earn extra eats. Crook hooked; hastily hoicked to hoosegow, tarrying till trial |
(35) |
| (Politico) 2009-08-05 |
|
[Politics] The White House angrily insists it's just totally unfair and misleading for people to publish uncut, in-context video of Obama talking about healthcare a few years ago |
(193) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-08-04 |
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[Main] Police responding to a hit-and-run call realized they were dealing with a homicide when they spotted a man carrying an axe. Another clue was the other man, whose decapitated body was lying on the sidewalk |
(64) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-08-03 |
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[Showbiz] Andre the Giant consumed 7,000 calories of alcohol on a daily basis. His bar bill during shooting of "The Princess Bride" was $40K. He once drank 119 bottles of beer in six hours. I say we canonize the dude |
(146) |
| (Metro) 2009-08-03 |
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[Main] If keeping your deceased loved one's ashes on your mantel isn't creepy enough, why not keep your deceased loved one's ashes in a ceramic replica of your deceased loved one's head? |
(107) |
| (BBC) 2009-07-27 |
 |
[Main] "Nigerian Islamist Attacks Spread." "DEATH TO CREAM CHEESE. AND LIVERWURST, TOO," he screamed |
(68) |
| (Break) 2009-07-27 |
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[Video] This is why you should never buy a high-powered rifle from a guy named Elmer |
(53) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-07-24 |
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[Main] Old and busted: Food fight. New hotness: Principal pile |
(31) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-07-24 |
|
[Geek] Jeff Bezos apologizes for deleting "1984" and "Animal Farm" from everyone's Kindles, notes we have always been at war with Oceania and two legs are bad |
(67) |
| (CBS3.com) 2009-07-24 |
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[Main] 77-year-old gets sex change. Procedures include cankle installation, wrinkle movement and… well, actually that's about it |
(60) |
| (Wall Street Journal) 2009-07-23 |
|
[Politics] New Math: It is unethical of Sarah Palin to defend herself against unsubstantiated ethics charges. In related news, have you stopped beating your wife? |
(108) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-07-23 |
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[Main] East Indian women take a break from providing Western tech support to plow fields naked. This is to embarrass the weather gods into providing rain. Seriously |
(188) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-07-23 |
|
[Main] California ditches all silly distractions and gets down to brass tacks in their budget debate: It's time to whine about how scary that knife was in the Governator's Twitter video. In related news, Fark needs a Pussification tag |
(120) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-07-22 |
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[Main] "Honey, where are the kids?" "Oh, they're in the living room playing with a lighter, a can of hair spray and a bottle of rubbing alcohol." "Okay — long as you're keeping an eye on them" |
(0) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-07-20 |
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[Politics] Obama admires Bono because he dodged a hug from GWB, which proves Obama is a genius. After that this gets a little hard to follow |
(46) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-07-19 |
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[Showbiz] Jeanie Garofalo: "Here's my routine about 9/11, TSA and the conservative American media." London audience: "[crickets]" Garofalo: "Since I'm obviously not funny, I'm leaving. Bye" |
(241) |
| (Bloomberg) 2009-07-16 |
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[Business] Your tax dollars hard at work: Congress wants to force GM and Chrysler to resume the business practices that caused their bankruptcy as part of the bailout |
(42) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-07-16 |
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[Main] German police are not amused by garden gnomes with right arm raised in a Hitler salute. Gott in himmel |
(89) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-07-09 |
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[Politics] Harry Reid (D-Novacaine) on the economy: "The status quo is simply not where America is." Also notes with horror that half of Americans are making less than average wages |
(54) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-07-09 |
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[Main] MJ's funeral was a rare glimpse into African-American culture. Because African-Americans are all surgery-addicted white female chimp-owning pedophile painkiller-popping dancin' machines with Elephant Man bone fetishes |
(370) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-07-09 |
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[Main] Time magazine poses the trenchant, perspicacious question no one else ever dared to ask: Why are Southerners so fat? With rhino-thighed photo goodness |
(273) |
| (Metro) 2009-07-08 |
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[Main] The story: Cotton plants sprayed with endosulfan sometimes produce cotton fabrics containing totally harmless byproducts. The headline: MILLIONS OF US HAVE POISON IN OUR PANTS |
(38) |
| (Metro) 2009-07-08 |
 |
[Main] If a middle-aged British woman orders some slippers from your home shopping network, don't ship them with a free bondage equipment catalog unless you're really sure she wants one |
(31) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-07-08 |
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[Main] The mayor of Marion, Ill., is not worried about former GitMo detainees leaving jail and settling in his area: "We don't have sand or camels." Stay classy, fella |
(73) |
| (Metro) 2009-07-08 |
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[Main] If you need help with your marriage and want to hire a faith healer, look for one with the official "I Won't Make You Sit in a Tub of Alcohol, Then Drop in a Lit Candle" seal of approval |
(27) |
| (Lexington Herald Leader) 2009-07-07 |
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[Main] "Galveston baffled by 30 burnt palm trees." If you suffer from burnt palms, you might want to use more lotion, k? |
(31) |
| (CNN) 2009-07-07 |
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[Main] "Baby Floats Recalled." Maybe the root beer was too warm and the babies melted |
(84) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-07-07 |
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[Geek] According to this article, although dioxins are naturally produced by forest fires and volcanoes, it's still your fault the grocery store is always out of mouse milk, you filthy consumer. Or something like that |
(8) |
| (London Times) 2009-07-06 |
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[Main] Saudi Arabia acknowledges Israel's existence long enough to promise to ignore any Israeli jets on their way to bomb Iran. Iran, for its part, will still not know what happened |
(176) |
| (Metro) 2009-07-06 |
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[Main] In a shocking upset, elephants defeat humans in a hotdog bun eating contest. Humans: 143 buns. Elephants: 505, plus some bananas |
(21) |
| (Huffington Post) 2009-07-03 |
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[Showbiz] Daryl Hannah: Why did I fly to West Virginia? To protest MTR mining, "which is criminal, yet legal." Why was she arrested? Because stupidity should be painful |
(83) |
| (Findagrave.com) 2009-07-02 |
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[Main] Allah might have had 72 virgins waiting for Ayatollah Khomeini, but apparently he was a bit short on green chandeliers. With photo ostentatiousness |
(41) |
| (Daily Mail) 2009-06-18 |
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[Geek] Searchers discover entire galley from Flight 447 floating in the Atlantic, with pre-cooked meals still in their drawers, ready to serve. W/photo interestingness |
(64) |
| (Boston Globe) 2009-06-18 |
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[Main] Man allegedly tries to use counterfeit $100 bill at McDonald's to buy alleged food |
(40) |
| (Miami Herald) 2009-06-15 |
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[Main] Did you go to church yesterday? If you did, I'm gonna go out on a limb and bet a preacher in a clown suit didn't jump over a pile of live babies in your parking lot. Just a hunch |
(48) |
| (RedOrbit) 2009-06-15 |
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[Main] High school art student conceals F-word on yearbook cover, gets standing ovation during graduation. Also voted most likely to write long rants about word filters. Yeah, this kid's going places |
(285) |
| (RedOrbit) 2009-06-16 |
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[Main] Grade school accidentally starts showing porn at a student assembly. Bonus: It took them 45 seconds to figure out how to shut it off |
(158) |
| (WCBStv.com) 2009-06-13 |
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[Main] Actual headline: "Baby Born On NYC Mass Transit For 2nd Straight Day." Both the baby and his mom reported to be extremely sore; hope there isn't a day three |
(14) |
| (Bloomberg) 2009-06-13 |
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[Main] "Qaddafi Calls for Feminist Action, Says Women Aren't Furniture." Rugs or toilets, maybe. But not furniture |
(46) |
| (Minneapolis Star Tribune) 2009-06-14 |
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[Main] "Minn. Man's Monster Muskie Missing." Actually, analysis affirms alliteration affinity. Farkers freak, fill forums, post pusillanimous prattle, threaten thread throwdown |
(29) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-06-12 |
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[Geek] Scientists discover how cells tell time. In related news, it takes a team of scientists to look at a phone display |
(9) |
| (Daily Mail) 2009-06-10 |
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[Showbiz] Last week: Celebrity accidentally hangs himself in hotel room closet. This week: Celebrity lives, but has to scream for help after accidentally gluing herself to hotel room bed |
(61) |
| (Mercury News) 2009-06-09 |
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[Politics] ♫ All the leaves are brown ♫ And the sky is gray ♫ California welfare ♫ Is gonna go awaaaaaaaaay ♫ |
(645) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-06-09 |
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[Main] UN environment chief: "No bottled water. No plastic bags. No phone. No lights. No motor cars. Not a single luxury" |
(319) |
| (News.com.au) 2009-06-08 |
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[Geek] Scientists develop GPS shoes to keep Alzheimers patients from wandering off and getting lost. Because Alzheimers patients never, ever take off their shoes |
(28) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-06-05 |
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[Main] Politician who got egged threatens reporters not to write about it. He needs to get ova himself and look at the sunny side up. Omelette other Farkers write all the bad puns |
(0) |
| (Gallup) 2009-06-05 |
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[Main] New Gallup poll reveals Cheney is more popular than Pelosi, much in the same way that prostate exams are more popular than colonoscopies |
(5) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-06-02 |
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[Main] Some guy in California who had 13 expensive rabbits just reported to police he had 77 rabbits stolen. Thief spotted in truck with 200 rabbits. Police hope to recover the 42,987 rabbits by tomorrow |
(64) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-06-01 |
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[Politics] Newt Gingrich still wants to get head from Pelosi. Or maybe I misunderstood this headline |
(59) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-06-01 |
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[Main] Hugo Chavez decides not to talk and sing for four days straight on TV |
(21) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-06-01 |
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[Main] Presidential campaigning already in full swing in Iowa. Cue "Not this shiat again" photo |
(39) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-06-01 |
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[Main] Frost advisory in effect for much of New York state. In related news, Al Gore seen pounding his head on a sidewalk |
(214) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-06-01 |
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[Business] Depending on who you ask, GM is either a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis or a dung beetle exchanging one pile of crap for another |
(10) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-06-01 |
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[Business] By this time tomorrow, "taxpayers will own a 60% stake in GM," which is a fancy way of saying "GM now stands for 'Government Motors' " |
(148) |
| (Metro) 2009-05-31 |
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[Main] Stuff you don't want to hear on the phone: 1. "This is the IRS." 2. "I'm calling from the hospital about your mother." 3. "I just drove by your field and your cows are exploding" |
(106) |
| (NewsBusters) 2009-05-27 |
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[Politics] Bush era: "Dissent is the highest form of patriotism." Obama era: "Cheney has no business disagreeing with Obama, because it makes it hard for Obama to do whatever he wants" |
(314) |
| (Washington Times) 2009-05-26 |
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[Politics] Obama breaks promise to post bills online for 5 days before signing. Click the number on the right for a calm, polite discussion about how this doesn't count as a broken promise and besides, Washington Times is owned by Moonies |
(70) |
| (LA Times) 2009-05-26 |
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[Main] Farms breed miniature cows to cut down on global warming, appear in Shriners' parades, keep White Castle in business |
(60) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-05-24 |
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[Main] Even the Godfather is suffering from the recession: Instead of leaving an expensive racehorse's head in bed with someone, he has to settle for a dead chicken and a handful of rotten fish |
(19) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-05-24 |
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[Main] California figures out a great way to close its budget gap: Let tourists beat up seagulls for $275 each |
(88) |
| (Politico) 2009-05-23 |
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[Politics] Look, Joe Biden is out there. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel shame or remorse. And he absolutely will not STFU, ever, until Obama dies of embarrassment |
(67) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-05-18 |
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[Main] The audience for the CBS Evening News is getting so wizened that a recent survey revealed that the majority of its elderly viewers consider Murder, She Wrote reruns 'too edgy'" |
(41) |
| (Cincinnati Enquirer) 2009-05-11 |
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[Main] Women fight, land in jail, over ownership of photo of Obama. Because photos of Obama are so hard to come by. Bonus: One of them hired a getaway driver for after she stole the photo |
(81) |
| (Fox News) 2009-05-11 |
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[Main] Golf analyst grovels and apologizes for tasteless joke about Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. In related news, Wanda Sykes and Obama still hoping Rush Limbaugh's kidneys will fail |
(503) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-05-04 |
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[Main] Delaware DOT Web site says racial jokes are forbidden and provides a long list of helpful examples: "Should we order fried chicken or watermelon for you?" |
(215) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-04-30 |
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[Sports] Mexico decides to conduct a bunch of soccer games the way we do in the US: With no fans in the stands |
(61) |
| (Detroit News) 2009-04-28 |
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[Main] "Waterford Township Winds Blow Chihuahua Away." I say we hoist a cold one to the Waterford Township Winds |
(58) |
| (YouTube) 2009-04-27 |
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[Video] Meet the .577 caliber T-Rex. Yes, the Palestinian drops it — but so does everyone else |
(66) |
| (Politico) 2009-04-24 |
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[Politics] Stay with me here: Nancy Pelosi was briefed on waterboarding, but she didn't like it, but no one listened, but she didn't think they'd actually do it, but she didn't know they did, but no one told her anything. Got all that? |
(360) |
| (Telegraph) 2009-04-23 |
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[Main] "Fox Stands on Hind Legs Like a Dog." Okay, it's balanced — but is it fair? |
(49) |
| (Telegraph) 2009-04-18 |
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[Main] ♫ The Love Padlock is a little ol' place where ♫ We can get crushed by YEEEEARRRRRGH ♫ |
(40) |
| (Reuters) 2009-04-18 |
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[Main] Chavez and Obama exchange handshake, high fives and fistbumps. No word on when they'll upgrade to the fish slap dance |
(447) |
| (RedOrbit) 2009-04-16 |
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[Main] Don't post a photo of your ballot online unless you want to spend a year getting intimate with your new cellmate, Hanging Chad |
(101) |
| (MSNBC) 2009-04-14 |
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[Main] "Currently investigation one of our former employees who for fraud… she no longer works here she resigned in late January," said Napa police commander Captain Incoherent |
(58) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-04-13 |
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[Main] PETA thinks Obama's order banning torture of terrorism detainees should have included animals. In related news, there are innocent puppies and bunnies incarcerated at GitMo |
(103) |
| (Cincinnati Enquirer) 2009-04-13 |
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[Main] ♫ I'm. An. Ang. Ry. Di. Vor. Cee. ♫ BURNIN' DOWN THE HOUSE ♫ |
(81) |
| (Chicago Sun-Times) 2009-04-13 |
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[Main] World's laziest protesters demand their college stop observing Columbus Day. Oh, they still want the day off; they just want to call it something else |
(107) |
| (The Sun) 2009-04-13 |
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[Main] "Tot Sleeps by His 'Jet Sex Mother' ." Ah, mater — want jet to always love me |
(83) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-04-12 |
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[Main] Old and busted: Feeding 5,000 people with two loaves of bread and five fish. New hotness: Jamming 90 cars into a 40-car parking lot |
(43) |
| (CSIndy.com) 2009-04-12 |
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[Music] In 1967, when The Doors were the hottest they'd ever be while Morrisson was still alive, they played for a high school homecoming in Colorado Springs for $3,000. And Stone left this out of the movie? |
(64) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-04-06 |
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[Main] Wearing pink fishnets and carrying your baby around in a car full of kiddie porn and crack pipes while driving on a suspended license with an outstanding warrant for your arrest is no way to go through life, son |
(121) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-04-02 |
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[Main] Some Guy on the Internet found out using the code word "bailout" during online ordering resulted in a free Domino's pizza. 11,000 free pizzas later, Domino's wakes up and pulls the plug |
(153) |
| (Telegraph) 2009-03-31 |
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[Main] White House press kit states Britain is "slightly smaller than Oregon." Because the Oregon is a unit of measurement everyone in Europe is familiar with |
(205) |
| (Cracked) 2009-03-30 |
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[Main] Welcome to the Kingdom of Redonda, a tiny island nation one square mile in area, which is also a tiny island nation one square mile in area |
(84) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-03-30 |
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[Showbiz] Remember that old saying about there being no such thing as bad publicity? Michelle Rodriguez roadtests it by showing up in a wheelchair in a Mexican airport, then leaping up and attacking reporters |
(30) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-03-30 |
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[Main] Colorado to require massage therapists to be state-licensed. "We were lucky that our surfboards were already waxed and ready to go," says Double Entendre, a local masseuse |
(35) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-03-30 |
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[Main] Two rare Clouded Leopard cubs born in captivity. Forecast for today: Clouded but awwwww |
(30) |
| (retroCrush) 2009-03-30 |
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[Showbiz] New Wonder Woman DVD set is allegedly true to the comic's roots, but since the review doesn't mention anything about Amazonian bondage I give it a resounding "meh*." (*"Meh" not safe for Internet usage in some states) |
(67) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-03-26 |
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[Main] Colorado Springs meteorologists cheerfully admit forecasting snow is a "total crapshoot." Also warns everyone they're all gonna die in a blizzard this afternoon |
(103) |
| (Metro) 2009-03-24 |
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[Main] Kung fu master swallows chopstick, forgets about it until it's surgically removed 20 years later. Bonus: Photo helpfully captioned "Some chopsticks, not lodged in a kung-fu master's stomach" |
(86) |
| (Daily Mail) 2009-03-24 |
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[Main] Nanny State using spy planes and thermal imaging to harrass homeowners whose houses are wasting heat |
(96) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-03-23 |
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[Showbiz] "Five Reasons Julia Roberts Is Too Old." Surprisingly, "Because Hollywood is as superficial as a 12-year-old girl" did not make the list |
(102) |
| (9 News) 2009-03-23 |
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[Main] Firefighters rescue 2 dogs and 15 puppies from fire, but then "we had to cut them in half to fit them in blankets." Not sure if this constitutes cruelty to animals or cruelty to grammar, but same tag is warranted either way |
(90) |
| (Statesman) 2009-03-23 |
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[Main] Louisiana governor wants to invest $20 million in getting a chicken-processing plant to move in state; PETA suggests he instead spend the money on a "Chicken Empathy Museum." Surprisingly, he does not leap at the chance |
(95) |
| (Some Paranoid) 2009-03-21 |
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[Geek] "Contrails? Nuh-uh — they're CHEMtrails. The government is spraying something sinister all over the sky all the time. I hope it's something to stop global warming." There just isn't enough tinfoil |
(193) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-03-21 |
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[Main] Clorox offering $5,000 and a year's worth of cleaning supplies to catch "Toilet Torcher." Of course, if Adrian Monk catches him, that year's worth of cleaning supplies is going to cost millions |
(40) |
| (Wall Street Journal) 2009-03-20 |
|
[Business] The 90% AIG bonus tax bill, if enacted, will actually tax some employees' full wages at 102%. Congress overjoyed, looking for ways to go back in time and tax executives before they were born |
(119) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-03-19 |
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[Politics] House passes 90-percent tax on AIG bonuses. Don't worry, though; they'd NEVER treat average Americans like that |
(763) |
| (9 News) 2009-03-17 |
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[Main] If your friend asks you to come over and help him fix a pipe in his crawlspace, be sure to brush up on your "Raiders of the Lost Ark" one-liners ahead of time. Specifically: "Asps. Very deadly. You go first" |
(84) |
| (LiveLeak) 2009-03-16 |
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[Video] If you think you can park wherever you want, just make sure it's not in a boatyard where the owner has also parked lots of handy, powerful forklifts |
(29) |
| (LiveLeak) 2009-03-16 |
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[Video] There's a reason for everything. For instance, the reason no one else is parking on that beautiful, empty, shining parking lot is because it's a pond |
(18) |
| (Washington Times) 2009-03-05 |
|
[Politics] Dems decide that since they own the House, the Senate and the Executive Branch, they should spend their time and energy in a pissing match with Rush Limbaugh. Which is good, because it keeps them from actually trying to run the country |
(457) |
| (Wall Street Journal) 2009-03-05 |
|
[Politics] Obama, last month: "You can't go to expensive parties on the taxpayer's dime." This month: Cocktail parties with live music every Wednesday in the White House |
(460) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-03-03 |
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[Main] Education appointee sends friends an e-mail saying Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles always smile because they don't know they're black. Surprisingly, some people have a problem with this |
(193) |
| (Houston Chronicle) 2009-02-24 |
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[Main] If you live in Houston and are buried in credit card debt, the city council knows it's not your fault and wants to pay them off for you. The sound you just heard was 250 million responsible adults doing a facepalm |
(154) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-02-24 |
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[Politics] Democrats realize it's all well and good to throw money at climate change — unless you don't have any money. In that case, the planet can DIAF |
(89) |
| (Boston Globe) 2009-02-23 |
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[Main] So what happened was the gospel singer and his wife were offered accommodations at the church, until the pastor noticed they didn't have wedding rings and asked them to prove they were married. Then things got all arsony |
(46) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-02-22 |
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[Main] A sleeping bag that looks like a bear might seem like a great idea, unless a bear tries to mate with you. Or as furries would call it, "dying and going to heaven" |
(253) |
| (Financial Times) 2009-02-19 |
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[Main] The UN discovers, to its utter shock, that Iran has enough uranium to build nukes. Why didn't anyone warn them about this before? |
(418) |
| (NewsOK) 2009-02-19 |
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[Politics] No anti-Obama signs on your car, citizens. Unless you LIKE being investigated |
(371) |
| (Telegraph) 2009-02-18 |
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[Main] No one expects the giant Spanish rabbits of Caerbannog |
(82) |
| (London Times) 2009-02-16 |
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[Main] Great moments in socialized medicine: New antibiotics would fight infections picked up in hospitals, but NHS doesn't want to use them because they cost money |
(184) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-02-16 |
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[Main] Judge decides not to toss 68-year-old woman in jail for painting a fire hydrant yellow |
(47) |
| (Wired) 2009-02-16 |
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[Geek] In space, no one can hear you die when your spacesuit is destroyed by old orbiting frozen astronaut piss |
(60) |
| (Daily Mail) 2009-02-15 |
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[Politics] Prince Charles embarks on a 16,000-mile Green Crusade on his private jet. Meanwhile, Obama takes the weekend off before signing his "emergency" stimulus bill. Meet the new change, same as the old change |
(154) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-02-10 |
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[Geek] Actual headline: "Grandma's Moistening Kettle May Have Held Off Flu." In related news, subby can't decide if "Grandma's Moistening Kettle" is a great name for a band or a really disturbing euphemism |
(31) |
| (AP) 2009-02-10 |
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[Politics] Fact check: Why, there's actually no pork in Obama's stimulus bill. Oh, there's tons of lard, bacon, ham, sausage, crispers, ribs, shoulder butt and loins. But no actual pork |
(115) |
| (Washington Post) 2009-02-09 |
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[Politics] Biden to EU: "Since you guys just love Obama we're sure you're eager to help us pay for things in Afghanistan." EU: "Get real" |
(49) |
| (Huffington Post) 2009-02-09 |
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[Main] Actual headline: "Obama Isn't Who I Didn't Think He Was. But He Might Be." Bonus: Written by a former congressional speechwriter |
(72) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-02-06 |
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[Music] Meet Yo Majesty, the best lesbian Christian hip-hop duo you'll hear pretty much ever, even though one of them is in jail right now |
(17) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-02-03 |
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[Geek] Experts discuss the feasibility of the technology shown on "24," including a single firewall protecting the whole government, whether a hacker could control airlines and why Jack can get cell phone coverage in a submarine |
(66) |
| (London Times) 2009-02-03 |
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[Main] Bad: Drunk airline pilot whaargarbles on the intercom. Worse: Passengers revolt. Worser: Airline officials board plane and assure passengers that since the plane's computerized, it doesn't matter if the pilot's drunk |
(95) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-02-03 |
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[Politics] Obama: "Can we talk?" Iran: "Drop dead, infidel." France: "See? Just proves the Bush Doctrine was a failure" |
(332) |
| (Google) 2009-02-08 |
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[Main] Theme: Quentin Tarantino starts producing ads for PETA |
(0) |
| (NYPost) 2009-01-30 |
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[Main] Eliza Dushku: "I like bow-hunting. I eat everything I kill." PETA: "You know who else ate everyone he killed?" |
(446) |
| (Telegraph) 2009-01-29 |
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[Geek] Infecting patients with worms could cure asthma, cause skid marks on the rug |
(26) |
| (Bloomberg) 2009-01-29 |
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[Politics] Bloomberg: "Hey, President Obama: Got a few questions about that openness pledge." Obama: "No problem; I — LOOK: A UFO" |
(195) |
| (New York Daily News) 2009-01-28 |
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[Politics] Obama tries to walk through a window. No doubt this proves he's an idiot, as will be proven by billions of copies of the embarrassing photo being posted in the forums |
(281) |
| (Chicago Sun-Times) 2009-01-27 |
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[Politics] Now that he's won his protracted battle to get into the Senate, Roland Burris wants you to know that without him, Obama would not be president |
(60) |
| (Huffington Post) 2009-01-25 |
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[Politics] Old and busted: Sarah Palin never returned those expensive campaign clothes. New hotness: Well, actually she did. But they're stored improperly at GOP headquarters. Oh the humanity |
(77) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-01-23 |
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[Showbiz] Actual headline: "Winning Posthumous Acting Oscar Not Easy." For starters, you have to be dead, and where's the fun in that? |
(9) |
| (The New York Times) 2009-01-23 |
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[Main] New Yorkers find out the hard way that biodiesel turns into biolard when it's cold. Where's global warming when you need it? |
(115) |
| (RedOrbit) 2009-01-23 |
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[Main] British penguin afraid of water. Quick — someone call Morgan Freeman |
(33) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-01-23 |
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[Main] Today's attempted murder of someone allergic to peanuts comes to you from Canada and a disgruntled guy who smeared peanut butter on his fiancees car door |
(66) |
| (Huffington Post) 2009-01-21 |
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[Politics] Stephen Colbert so happy about Obama's inauguration he covers himself with mascara and snot |
(50) |
| (Reuters) 2009-01-21 |
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[Main] New Zealand PM's to-do list: 1. Go to work. 2. Fall down stairs, break arm. 3. Hand out rugby awards, shake hands with 120 rugby players. 4. Go to hospital |
(28) |
| (Wall Street Journal) 2009-01-20 |
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[Politics] The Opacity of Hope: Why Obama's going to really piss off almost everyone in the next six months |
(159) |
| (London Times) 2009-01-19 |
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[Geek] Scientists finally figure out what's causing climate change: The giant supercomputer used to monitor climate change |
(37) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-01-19 |
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[Showbiz] "Starbuck — Lost in Castration": Dirk Benedict reveals how he fought the network suits and finally pulled off one of the finest character portrayals in history. With a straight face, no less |
(154) |
| (Telegraph) 2009-01-19 |
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[Main] In addition to running the country, now Obama's responsible for "redefining the male physique." Give the poor guy a break already |
(277) |
| (Bloomberg) 2009-01-15 |
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[Main] Black Angus Steakhouse files for bankruptcy. Something about going broke buying letter G's to fix their constantly vandalized signs |
(177) |
| (The Sun) 2009-01-15 |
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[Geek] Headline and first paragraph: "NASA finds life on Mars." Twelfth paragraph: "We have no proof of anything but we'd like to look more" |
(27) |
| (Wall Street Journal) 2009-01-13 |
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[Politics] Obama is serious about having the Clintons in his cabinet. You can tell because he's wearing his chin down, don't-fark-with-the-One, I'm-serious frowny face, instead of his chin-up, gazing-at-the-stars, yes-we-can leadership face |
(53) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-01-13 |
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[Politics] Not wishing to be left out of the pointless biatching about Inauguration Day, NAACP whines that "Trail Maid" dresses remind them of "Gone With the Wind." Frankly, Obama just doesn't give a damn |
(90) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-01-12 |
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[Politics] Gay Episcopal bishop to offer prayer at inauguration event. Activist groups immediately complain that left-handed redheaded transsexual Jewish Kwaanza pastors are being excluded |
(129) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-01-08 |
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[Politics] Russ Feingold wants Obama to restore Constitutional checks and balances, which is a fancy way of saying "give all Executive Branch power to the Senate" |
(97) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-01-07 |
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[Geek] Experts puzzled as to why sick, disoriented and bruised pelicans are showing up all over the coast. It's not even spring break yet |
(19) |
| (Yahoo) 2009-01-07 |
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[Main] Mexico launches War on Gum. Sounds silly until you realize the average square yard of sidewalk in Mexico City has 70 discarded pieces of gum stuck to it |
(126) |
| (Reuters) 2009-01-07 |
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[Main] Smoking ban forces French to surrender their Gitanes in cafes — but they vow you'll apply deodorant only to their cold, dead armpits |
(35) |
| (Wall Street Journal) 2009-01-06 |
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[Main] Remember that study that said teens taking virginity pledges have just as much sex as other teens? Nice work all around, except that it's completely untrue |
(257) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-01-06 |
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[Main] This week on "CSI: Paw Paw": CSI's crack investigators need only three weeks to figure out that the heart found in a local car wash belonged to a deer, not a human |
(60) |
| (Breitbart.com) 2009-01-06 |
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[Main] Stuff you don't want to find when sorting through your grandfather's belongings: 1. Pictures of a mistress. 2. Adoption papers. 3. A live mortar shell |
(81) |
| (Daily Mail) 2009-01-05 |
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[Showbiz] Paul McCartney might be an ex-Beatle. And he might be a knight. But you still don't want to see his pasty flesh and hairless old man pipecleaner legs at the beach, no matter how hot the chick he's with is |
(55) |
| (AP) 2009-01-03 |
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[Main] Judge rules that the First Amendment doesn't guarantee woman's right to smuggle endangered monkey meat into the country |
(52) |
| (London Times) 2009-01-03 |
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[Main] EU's new president says climate change is a myth. He can tell because of the pixels, and because he's seen a few other myths in his day |
(241) |
| (Some Guy) 2009-01-01 |
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[Geek] Ireland's soon-to-be-former environment minister thinks manmade climate change is a con. Good thing the scientists involved enjoy dissent and healthy debate |
(22) |