2009 Fark Greenlights

(Some Guy)
2009-12-31
Amusing [Politics] The Palins were hounded off Maui, Nancy Pelosi's on the Big Island but no one knows how, Limbaugh's in the hospital in Honolulu and Obama's hiding in a bunker after a surfer got hurt. The crazy is strong in Hawaii (58)
(Some Guy)
2009-12-31
Fail [Main] Great Moments in Socialized Medicine #2,739: Cut off your ring finger? No problem: The nearest hospital will let you share a cab to another hospital three hours away, where they'll cheerfully throw the severed finger away for you (244)
(Some Guy)
2009-12-26
Fail [Politics] Story: "The man arrested with several guns and boxes of ammo near the Capitol obviously planned no crimes of any kind." Headline: BUT HE WORKED FOR BUSH (270)
(Huffington Post)
2009-12-27
Ironic [Politics] Unlike Bush, who abrogated his responsibilities every time he felt like mowing the yard in Crawford, Obama is "actively monitoring" yesterday's terrorist attack. By phone. From Hawaii. Thank God he's on the ball (552)
(Metro)
2009-12-24
Dumbass [Main] Rock On, Naked Stock Photography Guy (SFW) (54)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-12-23
Amusing [Main] Today's Incoherent Headline Award goes to: "Recipe for Oscar Nom Trash Middle Tea-Bagging America." Om nom nom (72)
(Some Guy)
2009-12-22
Unlikely [Geek] "I can stop global warming. All I need is a really long hose and $250 million worth of farts" (78)
(El Paso Times)
2009-12-21
Interesting [Main] Mexican army finds 3 tons of marijuana in truck. After confiscating the 2 tons of marijuana, local police need several vans to haul all 800 pounds of it; say the 50 pounds placed in evidence is worth almost 50,000 pizzas. I mean, dollars (102)
(News.com.au)
2009-12-21
Stupid [Main] "World air passenger traffic plunges." In related news, ship traffic sinks, road traffic crashes, train traffic gets derailed, bike traffic goes flat and foot traffic gets cut off at the knees (91)
(National Review)
2009-12-18
Amusing [Politics] Passing the health bill would be like calling 911, getting a bill immediately, then waiting four years for an ambulance to show up (124)
(Wall
Street Journal)

2009-12-17
Scary [Politics] Obama warns that if
Congress doesn't pass Obamacare, the nation's going to go bankrupt.
What he didn't mention is that if we don't reduce the deficit
and cut spending it's going to go bankrupt regardless
(207)
(CBS
News)

2009-12-17
Fail [Main] The national debt has, "at
least numerically," surpassed the new limit set by Congress just
last week. "At least numerically"? Do we owe New Zealand a
couple billion tons of sheep or something, too?
(163)
(Some
Guy)

2009-12-15
Interesting [Geek] Bruce Lee vs. Spider-Man.
Why, no; it's not a cruddy video mashup. Here comes the science
(72)
(Some
Guy)

2009-12-11
Interesting [Geek] Lin Rong had the fingerprints
from her left hand grafted on to her right to help her fool biometric
scanners and sneak into Japan. She got caught anyway, proving you still
need at least one right to make a Rong
(35)
(Some
Guy)

2009-12-10
Obvious [Main] Ric Romero calls out Farkers,
dares them to help him with a Christmas toy drive
(433)
(News.com.au)
2009-12-10
Fail [Geek] Al Gore claims the most
recent of the ClimateGate e-mails is 10 years old. In related news, it's
2019 and no one but Al Gore noticed
(299)
(The
Hill)

2009-12-10
Unlikely [Politics] Obama demands Republicans
stop scaring people, saying that's Democrats' job. Besides, he
has charts showing everything is improving. As every Farker knows, charts
bring stupid arguments to a screeching halt
(105)
(Metro)
2009-12-06
Cool [Main] Some people lift huge
weights. Some people pull trains with their teeth. And then there's
this guy (w/cringeworthy photo)
(86)
(Forbes)
2009-12-06
Interesting [Geek] You know how some older
folks claim scientists predicted a coming ice age back in the '70s,
while others insist either that never happened or it was just a few fringe
kooks? Yeah, about that
(436)
(Arizona
Star)

2009-12-03
Sick [Main] "Thieves in Calif.
Steal $100,000 in Toys, Food From Poor." In related news, in California
you can stockpile a hundred grand in food and toys and still be classified
poor
(91)
(Metro)
2009-12-03
Interesting [Main] Today's Q&A that's
absolutely factual, yet also 100% incoherent: Q. How much is a hobbit?
A. Depends on whether you're buying wheat or oats
(35)
(Examiner)
2009-12-03
Amusing [Main] Chinese news agency does
hilarious CGI reenactment of the Tiger Woods incident. Starring Barbie
as Mrs. Woods and the love child of George Takei and Denzel Washington
as Tiger
(87)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-12-02
Stupid [Main] Police can't decide
if death of Iranian whistleblower was murder or suicide. Because lots
of folks like a whole bottle of blood pressure medication on their salad
(50)
(Washington
Times)

2009-11-30
Obvious [Politics] The health bill, which
wasn't going to cover illegals, then absolutely would not cover illegals,
then would freeze hell solid before it covered illegals, then I totally
pinky-promise will not ever cover illegals, is going to cover illegals
(557)
(Some
Guy)

2009-11-28
Asinine [Politics] In today's episode
of ACORN, that wacky new sitcom: California's AG orders ACORN to
release relevant documents. Oops — ACORN can't find them. But in
a wacky series of events, they turn up in a dumpster. In South Dakota
(98)
(Some
Guy)

2009-11-24
Fail [Main] School district initiates
hiring freeze.* (*Except for teachers, principals, assistant principals,
cafeteria managers, school police officers, bus drivers, teachers' assistants,
education aides and special education assistants)
(50)
(Gizmodo)
2009-11-24
Strange [Geek] "Shockwaves to the
Crotch Treat Erectile Dysfunction." Scientists say it's like
having your crotch stepped on by a women in stiletto heels, but not at
all painful. With SFW but terrifying photo goodness
(31)
(Some
Guy)

2009-11-24
Amusing [Main] "Gunfight at Chicken
World Leaves One Dead." Looks like someone went off half-cocked,
but I think this reporter still deserves a Pullet Surprise
(51)
(Huffington
Post)

2009-11-24
Fail [Politics] Democrats want to
resurrect a government hiring program they used to help the economy in
1978. Remember how terrific the economy was in '78? And how well
Democrats did in the '78 and '80 elections? You do? They apparently
don't
(123)
(National
Review)

2009-11-24
Asinine [Main] NYT, last year: "Check
out these e-mails hacked from a Palin campaign staffer." Last week: "ClimateGate?
Sorry; we will not publish illegally obtained e-mails." Bonus: BBC
also tried to squash the story for two weeks
(870)
(Gizmodo)
2009-11-24
Cool [Geek] The coolest slow-shutter
shots you'll see today
(62)
(Metro)
2009-11-24
Dumbass [Main] If you get lost while
going out to get your morning paper, don't be like this guy — ask
for directions BEFORE you're 370 miles from home
(41)
(Some
Guy?)

2009-11-22
Interesting [Politics] Which of these makes
the least sense? 1. "Diversity is a strength." 2. "Chocolate
pudding is dramatic irony." 3. "Nicolas Cage is a two-cycle
engine"
(230)
(Gizmodo)
2009-11-19
Cool [Geek] Google unveils Chrome
OS. Geekspasm time
(96)
(Yahoo)
2009-11-19
Interesting [Geek] "In Amazon, a frustrated
search for cancer cures." They should try Borders or Barnes & Noble,
then
(17)
(Huffington
Post)

2009-11-17
Caption [Main] Jessica Alba pounds the
pavement in the halls of Congress for education funding. With pictures
of what a Jessica Alba asking Hillary Clinton sign her ball might look
like. Bonus: Caption Contest (w/voting)
(170)
(LiveLeak)
2009-11-14
Cool [Video] I'll see your "Idiot
drives Bugatti Veyron into a lake" video and raise you a "Top
Gear drives a Bugatti Veyron at 249 MPH" video
(47)
(Google)
2009-11-15
Hero [Politics] Obama to Congress: "You're
not cops, so please GTFO of any Ft. Hood investigations until the real
cops are done"
(192)
(Yahoo)
2009-11-13
Sad [Main] If you're the guy
who stole the "2,554 Miles to Barstow" sign for the dozenth
time, North Carolina would like a word with you. And that word is "Uncle"
(186)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-11-14
Stupid [Geek] Climate change is rDING…
The sheriff is a nDING… Look out– the sky is fDING… Snape kills
DumbleDING… We're all gonna die in a fDING… Soylent Green is
pDING…. Imma let you finish, but BeyDING
(59)
(CBS
News)

2009-11-11
Fail [Politics] The White House issued
this correction: President Obama has not made a decision about Afghanistan.
Those responsible for sacking those who said he made up his mind about
something have been sacked
(67)
(Telegraph)
2009-11-10
Amusing [Main] We miss George Bush because
Obama has been attacked by a vampire. Or something like that
(358)
(Some
Guy)

2009-11-09
Fail [Main] "Liquor Store Clerk
Held Up by Screwdriver." No word on what the screwdriver used for
a weapon
(52)
(YouTube)
2009-11-06
Amusing [Video] Electric banana sharpener.
No, this is not a euphemism, ya pervy wanker
(23)
(Telegraph)
2009-11-05
Scary [Main] Great moments in socialized
medicine #2,802: More violent crimes are committed in Britain's hospitals
by staff than almost anywhere else in the country
(112)
(Daily
Mail)

2009-11-04
Scary [Geek] Scientists baffled by
strange condition that's making bears lose all their fur, and SWEET
ERUCTATING CTHULHU ON A PIMPED-OUT POGO STICK — WTF???
(98)
(New
Scientist)

2009-11-04
Fail [Geek] Stun guns, Tasers, Taser
shotguns — now everyone's worried about police injuring perps with
a Taser grenade launcher. In related news, the cops would like to know
if they could go back to just shooting people, please
(41)
(YouTube)
2009-11-03
Amusing [Video] "Brisket." "Oh." "Crevice." "Eh." "Crevasse." "Mm." "Cravat?" "Fff." "Tie?" "YES–THAT'S
WORDWANG." Surprisingly, this clip is not from Japan
(23)
(Telegraph)
2009-11-03
Spiffy [Main] Lost original Worcestershire
sauce recipe found, prompting hopes of an upgrade to Bestershire
(94)
(Drudge)
2009-11-02
Obvious [Main] Obama's so skinny
the White House is denying that he's chainsmoking. Translation: He's
chainsmoking
(473)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-11-02
Interesting [Politics] Obamania: First I
was all "W00T11," and then I was like "You go, O," but
then I was kind of "Meh" and now I'm like mostly "Whatever"
(140)
(Denver
Post)

2009-10-31
Interesting [Main] James Dobson will separate
from Focus on the Family in February 2010. Keith Olbermann sighs, tears
up a year's worth of unused "Worst Person in the World" rants
(99)
(Metro)
2009-10-29
Scary [Geek] British woman finally
on her feet again a year after sneezing and breaking her back. If this
woman ever has an orgasm we're all dead
(52)
(The
Weekly Standard)

2009-10-29
Obvious [Politics] A recent survey finds
Republicans know more about current events than Democrats. Weekly Standard
faults MSM for not reporting the survey results. MSM responds: "Survey?
What survey?" Remember, kids: Media bias is imaginary
(448)
(Bloomberg)
2009-10-28
Interesting [Business] Actual headline: "Trial
Dogs Fiat Family Firm as Heir Bets on Asia Fund." Well, you know
what they say about the heir of the trial dogs that bet your Asia Fund
(9)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-10-28
Fail [Politics] Obama is on the verge
of drafting an RFP to form a committee to select a focus group to commission
a poll to formulate a study to formalize a discussion to tap a brain
trust to hire an action team to consider a decision about Afghanistan
(195)
(MSNBC)
2009-10-28
Interesting [Geek] Top three proofs scientist
are just making stuff up: 1. We know what the whales are saying. 2. Time
travelers are sabotaging the LHC. 3. Butterflies have ears on their wings
(51)
(Yahoo)
2009-10-27
Stupid [Politics] Old and busted: "Bush
has forgotten about Afghanistan." New hotness: "Obama has forgotten
about Iraq"
(58)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-10-25
Spiffy [Showbiz] Leo DiCaprio has a
$3,200 toilet. Tobey Maguire forbids leather in his house. Adrian Grenier
insulates his apartment with old pants. Jennifer Aniston takes 3-minute
showers. What are YOU doing to save the planet, heathens?
(174)
(Some
Guy)

2009-10-25
Amusing [Politics] "Newsweek's
Jacob Weisberg won't appear on Fox. Since Weisberg's a 107-pound
weasel with a speech impediment, that's like him refusing to be in
the next "Ocean's Eleven" movie with George Clooney"
(216)
(Yahoo)
2009-10-24
Scary [Main] Cracked ramps at Yankee
Stadium — or to put it in more familiar terms, "10 Cracked Ramps
That Can Kill You So Fast You'll Never Have Sex Again Without a Stapler
and Four Chopsticks"
(36)
(Wall
Street Journal)

2009-10-23
Interesting [Politics] Obama has reached
that dreaded moment when the American public starts saying, "Don't
tell us about the previous president anymore. YOU own this now; YOU fix
it"
(409)
(Denver
Channel)

2009-10-23
Fail [Geek] Colorado launches Web
site quiz to help assess swine flu symptoms. Doctors bracing for flood
of patients who have swine flu, know which Star Wars character they are,
have Captain Underpants pseudonyms and are 69% kinky
(9)
(Telegraph)
2009-10-23
Ironic [Geek] Twitter's co-founder,
Evan Williams, talks exclusively to the Daily Telegraph about the future
of search and plans for improving the micro-b (0)
(14)
(Some
Guy)

2009-10-22
Sappy [Video] "Say Pillow." Must…
not… pass out… from… cuteness-provoked… diabetes
(32)
(RedOrbit)
2009-10-23
Dumbass [Main] Vermønt farmer
adøpts møøse, feeds it jelly dønuts. Natürally,
state øfficials are ørdering him to get rid øf it.
Mind you, state øfficials kan be pretty stüpid
(64)
(Washington
Post)

2009-10-21
Scary [Main] This is how people get
blase about cruelty: First we tolerate waterboarding; now we're forcing
foreign leaders to spend 20 hours listening to John Kerry talk
(40)
(BBC)
2009-10-21
Weird [Main] So what happened was this
lady fell in love with a guy online, so she fed her husband Honry Goat
Weed, took him out in the woods and stabbed him, then asked a passerby
to watch him while she went to meet the Internet guy. The Aristocrats
(84)
(Yahoo)
2009-10-21
Asinine [Main] Making coffee naked at
5:30am in your own kitchen? That's a year in jail
(501)
(Yahoo)
2009-10-21
Scary [Main] If your neighbor's
football lands in your yard, you might want to settle for a stern "Get
off my lawn." In any case, you should avoid biting off his lips
(38)
(Spiegel)
2009-10-19
Asinine [Main] Obama's too busy to
attend a ceremony celebrating the 20th anniversary of the fall of the
Berlin Wall. Besides, it would be a frivolous use of the office of the
president
(410)
(Metro)
2009-10-19
Fail [Main] Couple gets married in
strip club. To keep the classy bar high, they had their reception at
Hooter's, then rode in the back of a manure truck to their honeymoon
at a pay-by-the-hour hotel with a vibrating bed
(99)
(Some
Guy)

2009-10-19
Asinine [Main] American flag sticker
on your firefighters' locker? That's a suspendin'
(312)
(Yahoo)
2009-10-18
Followup [Main] Swedish town burns rabbit
carcasses for heat. Surprisingly, PETA has a problem with this. Mayor's
three-part response: 1. STFU. 2. Why don't you care about people
being cremated? 3. So STFU
(217)
(CNN)
2009-10-17
Fail [Main] The president of the Maldives
and his cabinet sign a bill 16 feet underwater to "send a message." Media
says "Meh — try a shiny balloon next time"
(115)
(Boston
Globe)

2009-10-16
Weird [Main] North Dakota man says
someone stole his cat and poured bleach in his aquarium. Also that there's
a leg sticking out of his wood chipper
(55)
(Huffington
Post)

2009-10-15
Stupid [Showbiz] An ostensiblly erudite
scribe catechizes a perspicacious and consummately cromulent dubiety:
Why is Michael Moore's latest movie defalcating? Answer: It's
Obama's peccancy
(46)
(Daily
Mail)

2009-10-12
Amusing [Showbiz] Guy Ritchie confesses: "I
still love Madonna, but she's retarded." There's your problem,
Guy — you went full Madonna. Everyone knows you never go full Madonna
(26)
(Tampa
Bay Online)

2009-10-12
Scary [Geek] "Crack found in Crystal
River nuclear plant." Nuclear plant swears this dude just asked
him to hold it
(52)
(Miami
Herald)

2009-10-12
Silly [Showbiz] …so here's a
photo of Dave Barry with Steve Martin's salad
(24)
(Telegraph)
2009-10-09
Fail [Geek] Scientists say their experiment
to reduce global warming would have worked if it was warmer outside
(17)
(Some
Guy)

2009-10-06
Sappy [Main] Llama llikes lliving allone,
lloafing allong footlloose on Pikes Peak after llion killlls its mother.
I know, know — llame headlline
(62)
(YouTube)
2009-10-04
Fail [Video] How do you throw a butterknife
at 2 miles an hour, anyway? And you thought the special effects in "Plan
9 From Outer Space" were bad
(45)
(Some
Guy)

2009-10-03
Fail [Showbiz] "Capitalism" enjoys
a $1.5 mil opening. Whew. Would have been embarrassing if it was making
any money
(225)
(CNSNews)
2009-10-03
Fail [Main] What it's like trying
to read the health bill: "The governenemt is for responsive of the
most happy Dr. of the healthing cost raisings, not the after insrance
and hospittle to the surgeryons, as writed to p. 17s." Except worse
(53)
(USA
Today)

2009-10-01
Spiffy [Main] "Hey, U.S.: Are firms
rehiring or are you just happy to see me?"
(174)
(Seattle
Times)

2009-10-01
Fail [Main] So did the forks shoot
anyone, or did someone stab the shooters, or what? And don't even
ask who got arrested
(36)
(Some
Guy)

2009-10-01
Silly [Main] "Venus Smile Celebrates
National Breast Cancer Awareness Month With Free Teeth Whitening." Britain
responds by celebrating Dental Care Month with free breast enlargements
(37)
(The
Sun)

2009-09-29
Unlikely [Main] "Sexual surrogate" insists
paying for sex isn't prostitution if it's done in a healing,
therapeutic environment. In related news, submitter's going to go
buy a lab coat and stethoscope and do some cruising
(144)
(New
York Daily News)

2009-09-29
Interesting [Politics] Ex-candidate's
ex-mistress excoriated extravagantly by ex-cancer patient over excessive
execrable extramarital excuses. Excellent
(53)
(Some
Guy)

2009-09-28
Hero [Main] "Zimbabwean Plunges
to Death to Save Tourist." Experts note that plunging to death is
even worse than flushing to death
(72)
(ABC)
2009-09-27
Stupid [Main] Wildlife officials instruct
a bunch of gun-fearing environmentalist limousine liberals to "be
mean to bears." Yes, that's an actual quote. What could possibly
go wrong?
(169)
(Statesman)
2009-09-26
Interesting [Main] Austin police are ready
to start suing people who pretend to be other people online. I say bring
it on, punks. –Drew
(95)
(SFGate)
2009-09-25
Fail [Geek] Doctors sue KFC, claiming
the grill marks on grilled food cause cancer. The plaintiffs face two
obstacles: They already lost a similar case against McDonald's, and
they're all idiots
(104)
(Huffington
Post)

2009-09-25
Unlikely [Politics] The House voted to
defund ACORN because Jon Stewart is a wimp. Wait, what?
(198)
(Yahoo)
2009-09-24
Stupid [Main] "Can I Recycle Wine
Corks?" Answer: Sure — they're great for diarrhea, saving dams,
cleaning out navel lint and shutting up the cat
(136)
(Washington
Post)

2009-09-24
Asinine [Main] When they came for the
Hummers, I said nothing because I drive an '86 Honda. When they came
for the bottled water, I said nothing because I drink beer. Then they
came for the toilet paper
(292)
(Some
Guy)

2009-09-23
Stupid [Main] "Grocery union workers
expected to reject lastest offer," say they want morer money and
the mostest benefits
(154)
(People
Magazine)

2009-09-23
Sick [Showbiz] ♫ All the leaves
are brown ♫ And the sky is gray ♫ So I'll sleep with
my daughter ♫ Every single daaaaaaaaay ♫
(213)
(Metro)
2009-09-23
Weird [Main] It's a SFW X-ray of
a 6-inch knife embedded in a woman's buttock, your argument is invalid
(115)
(Metro)
2009-09-22
Amusing [Main] How to avoid a weekend
drinking with shot-clogs only to end up crambazzled, plus other quite
ostrobogulous, yet perfectly cromulent words
(31)
(WCBStv.com)
2009-09-22
Hero [Main] Four punks try to rob
88-year-old WWII vet, accidentally open a very large can of Acute Failure
of the Victim Selection Process
(111)
(The
Hill)

2009-09-20
Dumbass [Politics] Obama wants to talk
about a newspaper bailout bill. Also a telegraph bailout, oil lamp bailout,
Pony Express bailout, vinyl LP and 8-track tape bailout, ZIP drive bailout
and coal-fired locomotive bailout
(340)
(Some
Guy)

2009-09-18
Amusing [Video] Batman whines about how
hard it is to find an open lane at Wal-Mart when all you need is some
Sprite, Tic-Tacs and toilet paper
(19)
(Some
Wormwood)

2009-09-18
Cool [Showbiz] Get ready to geek out:
Andy "Gollum" Serkis plays Screwtape in a new audio drama (not
just a book on tape) of "The Screwtape Letters"
(21)
(Christian
Science Monitor)

2009-09-16
Florida [Geek] Scientists worried that
pythons might mutate into a giant man-eating swamp coil. In related news, "Man-Eating
Swamp Coil" is either a great name for a band or a really disturbing
euphemism
(21)
(Some
Guy)

2009-09-16
Weird [Main] Austrian construction
workers flee for their lives when a naked blonde rushes at them, screaming "Who
wants me?" Bunch of girly men
(141) <
(Yahoo)
2009-09-16
Fail [Main] Actual headline: "5
Items Will Consumer 50% of Your Income." Well, okaying, but I expectish
I'll be earningest 15 percentage more moneyed befores muchly longerestingishly
(163)
(BBC)
2009-09-15
Interesting [Geek] "Genes Blamed for
Early First Sex," although lack thereof, along with panties, is
usually the real critical factor
(44)
(Google)
2009-09-15
Fail [Main] Actual headline: "Sen
More US Roops Shows Commitment to Afghan War." Sen Roops? Ruh-roh
(103)
(Salon)
2009-09-15
Fail [Politics] First paragraph: "Opposition
to Obama is racist." 10th: "There's no proof debate over
Obamacare is racist." 11th: "In fact, most of it is political." 13th: "And
most of it comes from Democrats"
(280)
(Some
Guy)

2009-09-11
Interesting [Geek] After years of tireless
work, the "Liquid Stone" study group at MIT has finally decoded
the molecular structure of cement. Which has apparently been a closely
guarded secret until now
(41)
(Some
Guy)

2009-09-11
Fail [Politics] Obama's latest
Web site at taxpayer expense asks people to send in "your ideas
about why we need health care reform." Because apparently the government
doesn't have any ideas of its own
(89)
(Some
Guy)

2009-09-11
News [Main] Pro-life activist shot
and killed in Michigan
(1187)
(Metro)
2009-09-09
Spiffy [Main] Speedo-wearing burglar
nabbed by police dog — bit him right in the Spandex, know what I mean,
know what I mean?
(35)
(Metro)
2009-09-09
Weird [Main] Doctors, nurses suspended
for playing "Lying Down Game." Includes helpful photo of boy
waiting to get his butt ironed
(148)
(Metro)
2009-09-09
Obvious [Main] If you're reading
this, the world may not have ended today
(181)
(Daily
Mail)

2009-09-08
Asinine [Main] Patients with osteoporosis
could be treated with a once-a-year injection to help keep their bones
from breaking. But not in Britain, where a government agency notes casts
are just plain cheaper. Bonus: The agency is called NICE
(108)
(Wall
Street Journal)

2009-09-08
Silly [Politics] Obama's "socialist" speech
contained product placements for iPhone and XBox. Seriously
(110)
(New
York Daily News)

2009-09-04
Obvious [Showbiz] Whitney Houston's
normally CRYSTALline voice goes to POT, CRACKs during performance, fueling
speculation that she needs a new training METHod. No word on why it happened
(22)
(Some
Guy)

2009-09-03
Scary [Main] "Deputies: Woman
Beats Mother With Candlestick." Was it in the library or the conservatory?
No clue
(75)
(Some
Guy)

2009-09-03
Unlikely [Main] Pandemic bill would allow
health officials to enter homes without warrants. Health officials with
body armor, clubs and riot gear, according to this article
(162)
(Daily
Mail)

2009-09-01
Fail [Geek] Britain's Met Office
insists their "barbecue summer" prediction was correct, assuming
you barbecue your food by pouring cold water on it for three months
(35)
(Metro)
2009-09-01
Weird [Main] This story has it all:
A girl in a bikini, her boyfriend with a camera, a perverted Polish Yeti,
a great name for a rock band
(77)
(Some
Guy)

2009-09-01
Silly [Main] Australian guy claims
his cat can talk. Bonus weirdness: But all it knows is George Carlin's
Seven Dirty Words
(50)
(Some
Guy)

2009-08-31
Amusing [Main] Actual headline: "A
cleaner Cedar Rapids, 1 butt at a time." Now that's a nasty
crack — I hope they wipe this headline
(27)
(Jacksonville.com)
2009-09-01
Interesting [Geek] British mom leading effort
to establish proton therapy in Europe. Also to outlaw crossing the streams
(40)
(Some
Guy)

2009-08-31
Fail [Politics] Bill Clinton says
not passing Obama's health bill "is the worst thing we can do
for Democrats." Because this whole debate is about what's best
for the Democratic Party, of course
(146)
(Metro)
2009-08-29
Weird [Sports] A basketball player
from China / Provoked his opponent, a whinah / Who complained that his
height / Was too tall — is he right? / Or making excuses? Both, kinda
(10)
(Dallas
News)

2009-08-28
Obvious [Geek] Experts announce it is
unsafe for pregnant women to be struck by lightning. Thank God for experts
(20)
(Wall
Street Journal)

2009-08-27
Obvious [Politics] Rush Limbaugh, March: "The
DNC is going to call this "The Ted Kennedy Memorial Health Bill." DNC: "WHAARGARBL." DNC,
this week: "Let's pass The Ted Kennedy Memorial Health Bill"
(405)
(Yahoo)
2009-08-26
Fail [Main] "What's Wrong
With Washington." Sorry, but an 800-word article can't even
summarize a draft of an outline of the table of contents of a glossary
of a card catalog of a book collection about what's wrong with Washington
(22)
(BBC)
2009-08-26
Hero [Main] French security adviser
kidnapped by Somali terrorist; surrenders three of them to death while
he escapes
(5)
(Some
Guy)

2009-08-26
Hero [Main] Hezbollah: "Howdy
neighbors — we're just gonna set up some mortars and rockets here
so we can fire 'em at Israel." Lebanese: "How about no
— does no work for you? GTFO"
(177)
(Newsday)
2009-08-24
Unlikely [Politics] The Obamas, who disembarked
Air Force One early this afternoon for a weeklong vacation on a 28-acre
estate on Martha's Vineyard, announce in an article filled with photo-ops,
that they'd appreciate privacy. Hey, good luck with that
(74)
(Washington
Times)

2009-08-21
Obvious [Politics] Obama accuses Republicans
of conspiring to thwart his health-care plan. Nothing slips past that
guy
(203)
(New
Zealand Herald)

2009-08-18
Obvious [Main] So this bloke is in trouble
because he used up all his sick time at a tavern drinking beer. You know,
I keep rereading this and I just can't see what the problem is
(46)
(Some
Guy)

2009-08-19
Scary [Main] Under Obama Care, if you
fail to purchase adequate coverage, the IRS will litigate until your
entire life is a smoldering crater. Isn't that encouraging?
(570)
(Wall
Street Journal)

2009-08-18
Amusing [Politics] We are far from convinced
that the White House takes online privacy very seriously, although we
will concede that the White House takes the perception that the White
House doesn't seem to take online privacy very seriously, seriously
(66)
(Some
Guy)

2009-08-18
Amusing [Main] "Smelly House Leads
to Dead Resident." So remember, kids — keep your room clean if
you want to live
(34)
(Breitbart.tv)
2009-08-14
Scary [Main] Lots of folks are AWs,
but the lady who set herself on fire and then walked around at a mall
is in a class by herself
(266)
(Detroit
News)

2009-08-13
Dumbass [Politics] Senator Debbie Stabenow
(D-oh) says she knows global warming is real because "I can feel
it when I'm flying." Also because of the pixels, and from having
seen a lot of global warming in her day
(96)
(Google)
2009-08-13
Amusing [Politics] "US official
gropes to explain Clinton's outburst." Grope, outburst… which
Clinton are we talking about here?
(29)
(CNN)
2009-08-13
Followup [Main] Turns out the question
Hillary went off about the other day was mistranslated — the student
meant to ask what Obama thought, not Bill Clinton
(157)
(Denver
Post)

2009-08-12
Weird [Geek] Colorado ranchers fight
deadly cattle STDs with artificial insemination and virgin bulls. It's
not nice to screw with Mother Nature
(19)
(Some
Guy)

2009-08-12
Followup [Politics] "Sotomayor Sworn
In as 111th Justice." And you lefties said Obama wouldn't pack
the courts
(196)
(YouTube)
2009-08-09
Stupid [Main] Behold — the cosmetics
commercial that has 100,000 Swedes scared shaitless… for no apparent
reason
(305)
(Some
Guy)

2009-08-07
Scary [Main] New golf course has the
latest in green features and hazards: sand traps, ponds, a human arm
lying in the rough — wait, what?
(43)
(FilmDrunk)
2009-08-07
Interesting [Showbiz] Here ya go: A headline
that announces not only a totally unnecessary remake of "Enter the
Dragon," but also that Bruce Lee had a gay affair with some Korean
guy
(25)
(Telegraph)
2009-08-07
Fail [Main] Dude, if you grope a Greek
chick, but she tells you to stop it, let her go, man, because she might
pour her drink down your pants and light your junk on fire
(151)
(Some
Guy)

2009-08-06
Fail [Main] American legal system
now has the power to raise people from the dead. Or maybe I misunderstood
this headline
(54)
(CNN)
2009-08-06
Amusing [Main] Anchor 1: "A Burger
King manager called the cops because a mom's baby didn't have
shoes." Anchor 2: "Well, there's two sides to every story." Anchor
1: "Not this time. The manager's an idiot"
(454)
(Seattle
Times)

2009-08-05
Spiffy [Main] Flatfoots ferret out fleeing
fugitive in freezer. Dogs detect chillin' felon; earn extra eats.
Crook hooked; hastily hoicked to hoosegow, tarrying till trial
(35)
(Politico)
2009-08-05
Fail [Politics] The White House angrily
insists it's just totally unfair and misleading for people to publish
uncut, in-context video of Obama talking about healthcare a few years
ago
(193)
(Some
Guy)

2009-08-04
Scary [Main] Police responding to a
hit-and-run call realized they were dealing with a homicide when they
spotted a man carrying an axe. Another clue was the other man, whose
decapitated body was lying on the sidewalk
(64)
(Some
Guy)

2009-08-03
Hero [Showbiz] Andre the Giant consumed
7,000 calories of alcohol on a daily basis. His bar bill during shooting
of "The Princess Bride" was $40K. He once drank 119 bottles
of beer in six hours. I say we canonize the dude
(146)
(Metro)
2009-08-03
Weird [Main] If keeping your deceased
loved one's ashes on your mantel isn't creepy enough, why not
keep your deceased loved one's ashes in a ceramic replica of your
deceased loved one's head?
(107)
(BBC)
2009-07-27
Misc [Main] "Nigerian Islamist
Attacks Spread." "DEATH TO CREAM CHEESE. AND LIVERWURST, TOO," he
screamed
(68)
(Break)
2009-07-27
Scary [Video] This is why you should
never buy a high-powered rifle from a guy named Elmer
(53)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-07-24
Fail [Main] Old and busted: Food fight.
New hotness: Principal pile
(31)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-07-24
Followup [Geek] Jeff Bezos apologizes
for deleting "1984" and "Animal Farm" from everyone's
Kindles, notes we have always been at war with Oceania and two legs are
bad
(67)
(CBS3.com)
2009-07-24
Interesting [Main] 77-year-old gets sex change.
Procedures include cankle installation, wrinkle movement and… well,
actually that's about it
(60)
(Wall
Street Journal)

2009-07-23
Asinine [Politics] New Math: It is unethical
of Sarah Palin to defend herself against unsubstantiated ethics charges.
In related news, have you stopped beating your wife?
(108)
(Yahoo)
2009-07-23
Weird [Main] East Indian women take
a break from providing Western tech support to plow fields naked. This
is to embarrass the weather gods into providing rain. Seriously
(188)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-07-23
Asinine [Main] California ditches all
silly distractions and gets down to brass tacks in their budget debate:
It's time to whine about how scary that knife was in the Governator's
Twitter video. In related news, Fark needs a Pussification tag
(120)
(Some
Guy)

2009-07-22
Fail [Main] "Honey, where are
the kids?" "Oh, they're in the living room playing with
a lighter, a can of hair spray and a bottle of rubbing alcohol." "Okay
— long as you're keeping an eye on them"
(0)
(Some
Guy)

2009-07-20
Stupid [Politics] Obama admires Bono
because he dodged a hug from GWB, which proves Obama is a genius. After
that this gets a little hard to follow
(46)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-07-19
Asinine [Showbiz] Jeanie Garofalo: "Here's
my routine about 9/11, TSA and the conservative American media." London
audience: "[crickets]" Garofalo: "Since I'm obviously
not funny, I'm leaving. Bye"
(241)
(Bloomberg)
2009-07-16
Hero [Business] Your tax dollars hard
at work: Congress wants to force GM and Chrysler to resume the business
practices that caused their bankruptcy as part of the bailout
(42)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-07-16
Asinine [Main] German police are not
amused by garden gnomes with right arm raised in a Hitler salute. Gott
in himmel
(89)
(Some
Guy)

2009-07-09
Fail [Politics] Harry Reid (D-Novacaine)
on the economy: "The status quo is simply not where America is." Also
notes with horror that half of Americans are making less than average
wages
(54)
(Yahoo)
2009-07-09
Fail [Main] MJ's funeral was a
rare glimpse into African-American culture. Because African-Americans
are all surgery-addicted white female chimp-owning pedophile painkiller-popping
dancin' machines with Elephant Man bone fetishes
(370)
(Yahoo)
2009-07-09
Asinine [Main] Time magazine poses the
trenchant, perspicacious question no one else ever dared to ask: Why
are Southerners so fat? With rhino-thighed photo goodness
(273)
(Metro)
2009-07-08
Fail [Main] The story: Cotton plants
sprayed with endosulfan sometimes produce cotton fabrics containing totally
harmless byproducts. The headline: MILLIONS OF US HAVE POISON IN OUR
PANTS
(38)
(Metro)
2009-07-08
PSA [Main] If a middle-aged British
woman orders some slippers from your home shopping network, don't
ship them with a free bondage equipment catalog unless you're really
sure she wants one
(31)
(Some
Guy)

2009-07-08
Asinine [Main] The mayor of Marion, Ill.,
is not worried about former GitMo detainees leaving jail and settling
in his area: "We don't have sand or camels." Stay classy,
fella
(73)
(Metro)
2009-07-08
Scary [Main] If you need help with
your marriage and want to hire a faith healer, look for one with the
official "I Won't Make You Sit in a Tub of Alcohol, Then Drop
in a Lit Candle" seal of approval
(27)
(Lexington
Herald Leader)

2009-07-07
Weird [Main] "Galveston baffled
by 30 burnt palm trees." If you suffer from burnt palms, you might
want to use more lotion, k?
(31)
(CNN)
2009-07-07
Weird [Main] "Baby Floats Recalled." Maybe
the root beer was too warm and the babies melted
(84)
(Some
Guy)

2009-07-07
Interesting [Geek] According to this article,
although dioxins are naturally produced by forest fires and volcanoes,
it's still your fault the grocery store is always out of mouse milk,
you filthy consumer. Or something like that
(8)
(London
Times)

2009-07-06
Spiffy [Main] Saudi Arabia acknowledges
Israel's existence long enough to promise to ignore any Israeli jets
on their way to bomb Iran. Iran, for its part, will still not know what
happened
(176)
(Metro)
2009-07-06
Obvious [Main] In a shocking upset, elephants
defeat humans in a hotdog bun eating contest. Humans: 143 buns. Elephants:
505, plus some bananas
(21)
(Huffington
Post)

2009-07-03
Dumbass [Showbiz] Daryl Hannah: Why did
I fly to West Virginia? To protest MTR mining, "which is criminal,
yet legal." Why was she arrested? Because stupidity should be painful
(83)
(Findagrave.com)
2009-07-02
Weird [Main] Allah might have had 72
virgins waiting for Ayatollah Khomeini, but apparently he was a bit short
on green chandeliers. With photo ostentatiousness
(41)
(Daily
Mail)

2009-06-18
Interesting [Geek] Searchers discover entire
galley from Flight 447 floating in the Atlantic, with pre-cooked meals
still in their drawers, ready to serve. W/photo interestingness
(64)
(Boston
Globe)

2009-06-18
Dumbass [Main] Man allegedly tries to
use counterfeit $100 bill at McDonald's to buy alleged food
(40)
(Miami
Herald)

2009-06-15
Weird [Main] Did you go to church yesterday?
If you did, I'm gonna go out on a limb and bet a preacher in a clown
suit didn't jump over a pile of live babies in your parking lot.
Just a hunch
(48)
(RedOrbit)
2009-06-15
Asinine [Main] High school art student
conceals F-word on yearbook cover, gets standing ovation during graduation.
Also voted most likely to write long rants about word filters. Yeah,
this kid's going places
(285)
(RedOrbit)
2009-06-16
Sick [Main] Grade school accidentally
starts showing porn at a student assembly. Bonus: It took them 45 seconds
to figure out how to shut it off
(158)
(WCBStv.com)
2009-06-13
Spiffy [Main] Actual headline: "Baby
Born On NYC Mass Transit For 2nd Straight Day." Both the baby and
his mom reported to be extremely sore; hope there isn't a day three
(14)
(Bloomberg)
2009-06-13
Unlikely [Main] "Qaddafi Calls for
Feminist Action, Says Women Aren't Furniture." Rugs or toilets,
maybe. But not furniture
(46)
(Minneapolis
Star Tribune)

2009-06-14
Amusing [Main] "Minn. Man's
Monster Muskie Missing." Actually, analysis affirms alliteration
affinity. Farkers freak, fill forums, post pusillanimous prattle, threaten
thread throwdown
(29)
(Some
Guy)

2009-06-12
Interesting [Geek] Scientists discover how
cells tell time. In related news, it takes a team of scientists to look
at a phone display
(9)
(Daily
Mail)

2009-06-10
Dumbass [Showbiz] Last week: Celebrity
accidentally hangs himself in hotel room closet. This week: Celebrity
lives, but has to scream for help after accidentally gluing herself to
hotel room bed
(61)
(Mercury
News)

2009-06-09
Interesting [Politics] ♫ All the leaves
are brown ♫ And the sky is gray ♫ California welfare ♫ Is
gonna go awaaaaaaaaay ♫
(645)
(Some
Guy)

2009-06-09
Asinine [Main] UN environment chief: "No
bottled water. No plastic bags. No phone. No lights. No motor cars. Not
a single luxury"
(319)
(News.com.au)
2009-06-08
Interesting [Geek] Scientists develop GPS
shoes to keep Alzheimers patients from wandering off and getting lost.
Because Alzheimers patients never, ever take off their shoes
(28)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-06-05
Asinine [Main] Politician who got egged
threatens reporters not to write about it. He needs to get ova himself
and look at the sunny side up. Omelette other Farkers write all the bad
puns
(0)
(Gallup)
2009-06-05
Fail [Main] New Gallup poll reveals
Cheney is more popular than Pelosi, much in the same way that prostate
exams are more popular than colonoscopies
(5)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-06-02
Weird [Main] Some guy in California
who had 13 expensive rabbits just reported to police he had 77 rabbits
stolen. Thief spotted in truck with 200 rabbits. Police hope to recover
the 42,987 rabbits by tomorrow
(64)
(Some
Guy)

2009-06-01
Amusing [Politics] Newt Gingrich still
wants to get head from Pelosi. Or maybe I misunderstood this headline
(59)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-06-01
Weird [Main] Hugo Chavez decides not
to talk and sing for four days straight on TV
(21)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-06-01
Obvious [Main] Presidential campaigning
already in full swing in Iowa. Cue "Not this shiat again" photo
(39)
(Some
Guy)

2009-06-01
Cool [Main] Frost advisory in effect
for much of New York state. In related news, Al Gore seen pounding his
head on a sidewalk
(214)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-06-01
Interesting [Business] Depending on who you
ask, GM is either a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis or a dung beetle
exchanging one pile of crap for another
(10)
(Yahoo)
2009-06-01
Obvious [Business] By this time tomorrow, "taxpayers
will own a 60% stake in GM," which is a fancy way of saying "GM
now stands for 'Government Motors' "
(148)
(Metro)
2009-05-31
Weird [Main] Stuff you don't want
to hear on the phone: 1. "This is the IRS." 2. "I'm
calling from the hospital about your mother." 3. "I just drove
by your field and your cows are exploding"
(106)
(NewsBusters)
2009-05-27
Fail [Politics] Bush era: "Dissent
is the highest form of patriotism." Obama era: "Cheney has
no business disagreeing with Obama, because it makes it hard for Obama
to do whatever he wants"
(314)
(Washington
Times)

2009-05-26
Interesting [Politics] Obama breaks promise
to post bills online for 5 days before signing. Click the number on the
right for a calm, polite discussion about how this doesn't count
as a broken promise and besides, Washington Times is owned by Moonies
(70)
(LA
Times)

2009-05-26
Interesting [Main] Farms breed miniature
cows to cut down on global warming, appear in Shriners' parades,
keep White Castle in business
(60)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-05-24
Strange [Main] Even the Godfather is
suffering from the recession: Instead of leaving an expensive racehorse's
head in bed with someone, he has to settle for a dead chicken and a handful
of rotten fish
(19)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-05-24
Weird [Main] California figures out
a great way to close its budget gap: Let tourists beat up seagulls for
$275 each
(88)
(Politico)
2009-05-23
Interesting [Politics] Look, Joe Biden is
out there. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel shame or
remorse. And he absolutely will not STFU, ever, until Obama dies of embarrassment
(67)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-05-18
Amusing [Main] The audience for the CBS
Evening News is getting so wizened that a recent survey revealed that
the majority of its elderly viewers consider Murder, She Wrote reruns 'too
edgy'"
(41)
(Cincinnati
Enquirer)

2009-05-11
Dumbass [Main] Women fight, land in jail,
over ownership of photo of Obama. Because photos of Obama are so hard
to come by. Bonus: One of them hired a getaway driver for after she stole
the photo
(81)
(Fox
News)

2009-05-11
Obvious [Main] Golf analyst grovels and
apologizes for tasteless joke about Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. In related
news, Wanda Sykes and Obama still hoping Rush Limbaugh's kidneys
will fail
(503)
(Some
Guy)

2009-05-04
Fail [Main] Delaware DOT Web site
says racial jokes are forbidden and provides a long list of helpful examples: "Should
we order fried chicken or watermelon for you?"
(215)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-04-30
Interesting [Sports] Mexico decides to conduct
a bunch of soccer games the way we do in the US: With no fans in the
stands
(61)
(Detroit
News)

2009-04-28
Hero [Main] "Waterford Township
Winds Blow Chihuahua Away." I say we hoist a cold one to the Waterford
Township Winds
(58)
(YouTube)
2009-04-27
Cool [Video] Meet the .577 caliber
T-Rex. Yes, the Palestinian drops it — but so does everyone else
(66)
(Politico)
2009-04-24
Unlikely [Politics] Stay with me here:
Nancy Pelosi was briefed on waterboarding, but she didn't like it,
but no one listened, but she didn't think they'd actually do
it, but she didn't know they did, but no one told her anything. Got
all that?
(360)
(Telegraph)
2009-04-23
Interesting [Main] "Fox Stands on Hind
Legs Like a Dog." Okay, it's balanced — but is it fair?
(49)
(Telegraph)
2009-04-18
Weird [Main] ♫ The Love Padlock
is a little ol' place where ♫ We can get crushed by YEEEEARRRRRGH ♫
(40)
(Reuters)
2009-04-18
Silly [Main] Chavez and Obama exchange
handshake, high fives and fistbumps. No word on when they'll upgrade
to the fish slap dance
(447)
(RedOrbit)
2009-04-16
Scary [Main] Don't post a photo
of your ballot online unless you want to spend a year getting intimate
with your new cellmate, Hanging Chad
(101)
(MSNBC)
2009-04-14
Dumbass [Main] "Currently investigation
one of our former employees who for fraud… she no longer works here
she resigned in late January," said Napa police commander Captain
Incoherent
(58)
(Some
Guy)

2009-04-13
Fail [Main] PETA thinks Obama's
order banning torture of terrorism detainees should have included animals.
In related news, there are innocent puppies and bunnies incarcerated
at GitMo
(103)
(Cincinnati
Enquirer)

2009-04-13
Scary [Main] ♫ I'm. An. Ang.
Ry. Di. Vor. Cee. ♫ BURNIN' DOWN THE HOUSE ♫
(81)
(Chicago
Sun-Times)

2009-04-13
Stupid [Main] World's laziest protesters
demand their college stop observing Columbus Day. Oh, they still want
the day off; they just want to call it something else
(107)
(The
Sun)

2009-04-13
Weird [Main] "Tot Sleeps by His 'Jet
Sex Mother' ." Ah, mater — want jet to always love me
(83)
(Some
Guy)

2009-04-12
Spiffy [Main] Old and busted: Feeding
5,000 people with two loaves of bread and five fish. New hotness: Jamming
90 cars into a 40-car parking lot
(43)
(CSIndy.com)
2009-04-12
Interesting [Music] In 1967, when The Doors
were the hottest they'd ever be while Morrisson was still alive,
they played for a high school homecoming in Colorado Springs for $3,000.
And Stone left this out of the movie?
(64)
(Some
Guy)

2009-04-06
Dumbass [Main] Wearing pink fishnets
and carrying your baby around in a car full of kiddie porn and crack
pipes while driving on a suspended license with an outstanding warrant
for your arrest is no way to go through life, son
(121)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-04-02
Spiffy [Main] Some Guy on the Internet
found out using the code word "bailout" during online ordering
resulted in a free Domino's pizza. 11,000 free pizzas later, Domino's
wakes up and pulls the plug
(153)
(Telegraph)
2009-03-31
Fail [Main] White House press kit
states Britain is "slightly smaller than Oregon." Because the
Oregon is a unit of measurement everyone in Europe is familiar with
(205)
(Cracked)
2009-03-30
Amusing [Main] Welcome to the Kingdom
of Redonda, a tiny island nation one square mile in area, which is also
a tiny island nation one square mile in area
(84)
(Some
Guy)

2009-03-30
Weird [Showbiz] Remember that old saying
about there being no such thing as bad publicity? Michelle Rodriguez
roadtests it by showing up in a wheelchair in a Mexican airport, then
leaping up and attacking reporters
(30)
(Some
Guy)

2009-03-30
Interesting [Main] Colorado to require massage
therapists to be state-licensed. "We were lucky that our surfboards
were already waxed and ready to go," says Double Entendre, a local
masseuse
(35)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-03-30
Sappy [Main] Two rare Clouded Leopard
cubs born in captivity. Forecast for today: Clouded but awwwww
(30)
(retroCrush)
2009-03-30
Amusing [Showbiz] New Wonder Woman DVD
set is allegedly true to the comic's roots, but since the review
doesn't mention anything about Amazonian bondage I give it a resounding "meh*." (*"Meh" not
safe for Internet usage in some states)
(67)
(Some
Guy)

2009-03-26
Obvious [Main] Colorado Springs meteorologists
cheerfully admit forecasting snow is a "total crapshoot." Also
warns everyone they're all gonna die in a blizzard this afternoon
(103)
(Metro)
2009-03-24
Weird [Main] Kung fu master swallows
chopstick, forgets about it until it's surgically removed 20 years
later. Bonus: Photo helpfully captioned "Some chopsticks, not lodged
in a kung-fu master's stomach"
(86)
(Daily
Mail)

2009-03-24
Scary [Main] Nanny State using spy
planes and thermal imaging to harrass homeowners whose houses are wasting
heat
(96)
(Yahoo)
2009-03-23
Asinine [Showbiz] "Five Reasons
Julia Roberts Is Too Old." Surprisingly, "Because Hollywood
is as superficial as a 12-year-old girl" did not make the list
(102)
(9
News)

2009-03-23
Fail [Main] Firefighters rescue 2
dogs and 15 puppies from fire, but then "we had to cut them in half
to fit them in blankets." Not sure if this constitutes cruelty to
animals or cruelty to grammar, but same tag is warranted either way
(90)
(Statesman)
2009-03-23
Dumbass [Main] Louisiana governor wants
to invest $20 million in getting a chicken-processing plant to move in
state; PETA suggests he instead spend the money on a "Chicken Empathy
Museum." Surprisingly, he does not leap at the chance
(95)
(Some
Paranoid)

2009-03-21
Dumbass [Geek] "Contrails? Nuh-uh
— they're CHEMtrails. The government is spraying something sinister
all over the sky all the time. I hope it's something to stop global
warming." There just isn't enough tinfoil
(193)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-03-21
Amusing [Main] Clorox offering $5,000
and a year's worth of cleaning supplies to catch "Toilet Torcher." Of
course, if Adrian Monk catches him, that year's worth of cleaning
supplies is going to cost millions
(40)
(Wall
Street Journal)

2009-03-20
Interesting [Business] The 90% AIG bonus
tax bill, if enacted, will actually tax some employees' full wages
at 102%. Congress overjoyed, looking for ways to go back in time and
tax executives before they were born
(119)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-03-19
Obvious [Politics] House passes 90-percent
tax on AIG bonuses. Don't worry, though; they'd NEVER treat average
Americans like that
(763)
(9
News)

2009-03-17
Scary [Main] If your friend asks you
to come over and help him fix a pipe in his crawlspace, be sure to brush
up on your "Raiders of the Lost Ark" one-liners ahead of time.
Specifically: "Asps. Very deadly. You go first"
(84)
(LiveLeak)
2009-03-16
Hero [Video] If you think you can
park wherever you want, just make sure it's not in a boatyard where
the owner has also parked lots of handy, powerful forklifts
(29)
(LiveLeak)
2009-03-16
Dumbass [Video] There's a reason
for everything. For instance, the reason no one else is parking on that
beautiful, empty, shining parking lot is because it's a pond
(18)
(Washington
Times)

2009-03-05
Spiffy [Politics] Dems decide that since
they own the House, the Senate and the Executive Branch, they should
spend their time and energy in a pissing match with Rush Limbaugh. Which
is good, because it keeps them from actually trying to run the country
(457)
(Wall
Street Journal)

2009-03-05
Obvious [Politics] Obama, last month: "You
can't go to expensive parties on the taxpayer's dime." This
month: Cocktail parties with live music every Wednesday in the White
House
(460)
(Some
Guy)

2009-03-03
Dumbass [Main] Education appointee sends
friends an e-mail saying Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles always smile because
they don't know they're black. Surprisingly, some people have
a problem with this
(193)
(Houston
Chronicle)

2009-02-24
Asinine [Main] If you live in Houston
and are buried in credit card debt, the city council knows it's not
your fault and wants to pay them off for you. The sound you just heard
was 250 million responsible adults doing a facepalm
(154)
(Some
Guy)

2009-02-24
Obvious [Politics] Democrats realize
it's all well and good to throw money at climate change — unless
you don't have any money. In that case, the planet can DIAF
(89)
(Boston
Globe)

2009-02-23
Strange [Main] So what happened was the
gospel singer and his wife were offered accommodations at the church,
until the pastor noticed they didn't have wedding rings and asked
them to prove they were married. Then things got all arsony
(46)
(Some
Guy)

2009-02-22
Amusing [Main] A sleeping bag that looks
like a bear might seem like a great idea, unless a bear tries to mate
with you. Or as furries would call it, "dying and going to heaven"
(253)
(Financial
Times)

2009-02-19
Obvious [Main] The UN discovers, to its
utter shock, that Iran has enough uranium to build nukes. Why didn't
anyone warn them about this before?
(418)
(NewsOK)
2009-02-19
Scary [Politics] No anti-Obama signs
on your car, citizens. Unless you LIKE being investigated
(371)
(Telegraph)
2009-02-18
Weird [Main] No one expects the giant
Spanish rabbits of Caerbannog
(82)
(London
Times)

2009-02-16
Asinine [Main] Great moments in socialized
medicine: New antibiotics would fight infections picked up in hospitals,
but NHS doesn't want to use them because they cost money
(184)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-02-16
Obvious [Main] Judge decides not to toss
68-year-old woman in jail for painting a fire hydrant yellow
(47)
(Wired)
2009-02-16
Weird [Geek] In space, no one can hear
you die when your spacesuit is destroyed by old orbiting frozen astronaut
piss
(60)
(Daily
Mail)

2009-02-15
Asinine [Politics] Prince Charles embarks
on a 16,000-mile Green Crusade on his private jet. Meanwhile, Obama takes
the weekend off before signing his "emergency" stimulus bill.
Meet the new change, same as the old change
(154)
(Yahoo)
2009-02-10
Interesting [Geek] Actual headline: "Grandma's
Moistening Kettle May Have Held Off Flu." In related news, subby
can't decide if "Grandma's Moistening Kettle" is a
great name for a band or a really disturbing euphemism
(31)
(AP)
2009-02-10
Obvious [Politics] Fact check: Why, there's
actually no pork in Obama's stimulus bill. Oh, there's tons of
lard, bacon, ham, sausage, crispers, ribs, shoulder butt and loins. But
no actual pork
(115)
(Washington
Post)

2009-02-09
Obvious [Politics] Biden to EU: "Since
you guys just love Obama we're sure you're eager to help us pay
for things in Afghanistan." EU: "Get real"
(49)
(Huffington
Post)

2009-02-09
Stupid [Main] Actual headline: "Obama
Isn't Who I Didn't Think He Was. But He Might Be." Bonus:
Written by a former congressional speechwriter
(72)
(Some
Guy)

2009-02-06
Interesting [Music] Meet Yo Majesty, the
best lesbian Christian hip-hop duo you'll hear pretty much ever,
even though one of them is in jail right now
(17)
(Some
Guy)

2009-02-03
Interesting [Geek] Experts discuss the feasibility
of the technology shown on "24," including a single firewall
protecting the whole government, whether a hacker could control airlines
and why Jack can get cell phone coverage in a submarine
(66)
(London
Times)

2009-02-03
Scary [Main] Bad: Drunk airline pilot
whaargarbles on the intercom. Worse: Passengers revolt. Worser: Airline
officials board plane and assure passengers that since the plane's
computerized, it doesn't matter if the pilot's drunk
(95)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-02-03
Stupid [Politics] Obama: "Can we
talk?" Iran: "Drop dead, infidel." France: "See?
Just proves the Bush Doctrine was a failure"
(332)
(Google)
2009-02-08
Photoshop [Main] Theme: Quentin Tarantino
starts producing ads for PETA
(0)
(NYPost)
2009-01-30
Asinine [Main] Eliza Dushku: "I
like bow-hunting. I eat everything I kill." PETA: "You know
who else ate everyone he killed?"
(446)
(Telegraph)
2009-01-29
Scary [Geek] Infecting patients with
worms could cure asthma, cause skid marks on the rug
(26)
(Bloomberg)
2009-01-29
Obvious [Politics] Bloomberg: "Hey,
President Obama: Got a few questions about that openness pledge." Obama: "No
problem; I — LOOK: A UFO"
(195)
(New
York Daily News)

2009-01-28
Amusing [Politics] Obama tries to walk
through a window. No doubt this proves he's an idiot, as will be
proven by billions of copies of the embarrassing photo being posted in
the forums
(281)
(Chicago
Sun-Times)

2009-01-27
Dumbass [Politics] Now that he's
won his protracted battle to get into the Senate, Roland Burris wants
you to know that without him, Obama would not be president
(60)
(Huffington
Post)

2009-01-25
Asinine [Politics] Old and busted: Sarah
Palin never returned those expensive campaign clothes. New hotness: Well,
actually she did. But they're stored improperly at GOP headquarters.
Oh the humanity
(77)
(Some
Guy)

2009-01-23
Obvious [Showbiz] Actual headline: "Winning
Posthumous Acting Oscar Not Easy." For starters, you have to be
dead, and where's the fun in that?
(9)
(The
New York Times)

2009-01-23
Interesting [Main] New Yorkers find out the
hard way that biodiesel turns into biolard when it's cold. Where's
global warming when you need it?
(115)
(RedOrbit)
2009-01-23
Weird [Main] British penguin afraid
of water. Quick — someone call Morgan Freeman
(33)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-01-23
Asinine [Main] Today's attempted
murder of someone allergic to peanuts comes to you from Canada and a
disgruntled guy who smeared peanut butter on his fiancees car door
(66)
(Huffington
Post)

2009-01-21
Amusing [Politics] Stephen Colbert so
happy about Obama's inauguration he covers himself with mascara and
snot
(50)
(Reuters)
2009-01-21
Strange [Main] New Zealand PM's to-do
list: 1. Go to work. 2. Fall down stairs, break arm. 3. Hand out rugby
awards, shake hands with 120 rugby players. 4. Go to hospital
(28)
(Wall
Street Journal)

2009-01-20
Interesting [Politics] The Opacity of Hope:
Why Obama's going to really piss off almost everyone in the next
six months
(159)
(London
Times)

2009-01-19
Ironic [Geek] Scientists finally figure
out what's causing climate change: The giant supercomputer used to
monitor climate change
(37)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-01-19
Hero [Showbiz] "Starbuck — Lost
in Castration": Dirk Benedict reveals how he fought the network
suits and finally pulled off one of the finest character portrayals in
history. With a straight face, no less
(154)
(Telegraph)
2009-01-19
Silly [Main] In addition to running
the country, now Obama's responsible for "redefining the male
physique." Give the poor guy a break already
(277)
(Bloomberg)
2009-01-15
Sad [Main] Black Angus Steakhouse
files for bankruptcy. Something about going broke buying letter G's
to fix their constantly vandalized signs
(177)
(The
Sun)

2009-01-15
Stupid [Geek] Headline and first paragraph: "NASA
finds life on Mars." Twelfth paragraph: "We have no proof of
anything but we'd like to look more"
(27)
(Wall
Street Journal)

2009-01-13
Amusing [Politics] Obama is serious about
having the Clintons in his cabinet. You can tell because he's wearing
his chin down, don't-fark-with-the-One, I'm-serious frowny face,
instead of his chin-up, gazing-at-the-stars, yes-we-can leadership face
(53)
(Some
Guy)

2009-01-13
Stupid [Politics] Not wishing to be
left out of the pointless biatching about Inauguration Day, NAACP whines
that "Trail Maid" dresses remind them of "Gone With the
Wind." Frankly, Obama just doesn't give a damn
(90)
(Yahoo)
2009-01-12
Interesting [Politics] Gay Episcopal bishop
to offer prayer at inauguration event. Activist groups immediately complain
that left-handed redheaded transsexual Jewish Kwaanza pastors are being
excluded
(129)
(Yahoo)
2009-01-08
Stupid [Politics] Russ Feingold wants
Obama to restore Constitutional checks and balances, which is a fancy
way of saying "give all Executive Branch power to the Senate"
(97)
(Yahoo)
2009-01-07
Strange [Geek] Experts puzzled as to
why sick, disoriented and bruised pelicans are showing up all over the
coast. It's not even spring break yet
(19)
(Yahoo)
2009-01-07
Weird [Main] Mexico launches War on
Gum. Sounds silly until you realize the average square yard of sidewalk
in Mexico City has 70 discarded pieces of gum stuck to it
(126)
(Reuters)
2009-01-07
Amusing [Main] Smoking ban forces French
to surrender their Gitanes in cafes — but they vow you'll apply
deodorant only to their cold, dead armpits
(35)
(Wall
Street Journal)

2009-01-06
Obvious [Main] Remember that study that
said teens taking virginity pledges have just as much sex as other teens?
Nice work all around, except that it's completely untrue
(257)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-01-06
Followup [Main] This week on "CSI:
Paw Paw": CSI's crack investigators need only three weeks to
figure out that the heart found in a local car wash belonged to a deer,
not a human
(60)
(Breitbart.com)
2009-01-06
Scary [Main] Stuff you don't want
to find when sorting through your grandfather's belongings: 1. Pictures
of a mistress. 2. Adoption papers. 3. A live mortar shell
(81)
(Daily
Mail)

2009-01-05
Sick [Showbiz] Paul McCartney might
be an ex-Beatle. And he might be a knight. But you still don't want
to see his pasty flesh and hairless old man pipecleaner legs at the beach,
no matter how hot the chick he's with is
(55)
(AP)
2009-01-03
Weird [Main] Judge rules that the First
Amendment doesn't guarantee woman's right to smuggle endangered
monkey meat into the country
(52)
(London
Times)

2009-01-03
Amusing [Main] EU's new president
says climate change is a myth. He can tell because of the pixels, and
because he's seen a few other myths in his day
(241)
(Some
Guy)

2009-01-01
Unlikely [Geek] Ireland's soon-to-be-former
environment minister thinks manmade climate change is a con. Good thing
the scientists involved enjoy dissent and healthy debate
(22)